Other than the bully of course....should the blame be put on the parents?  The teachers? The Principal? The bully only?

I've had my not-so  fair share of bullying and I can only speak from my personal experience.  I remember this one girl my senior year (she was a junior) who was in my EMS class who constantly harrassed everyone especially me.  I loved the class but hated going because she was there.  The teacher would say things like "I'm not tolerating anymore.  I will not let people disprut my class and take away from those who want to learn."

However this girl kept disrupting the class and the teacher would just tell her to stop talking and behave basically.  I felt let down.  This girl had harrassed me and someone else so much that we stayed behind to talk to the teacher about it.  The teacher basically told us that writing this girl up wouldn't mean anything because they wouldn't suspend her.  At most they would just give her a verbal reprimand each time and send her back to class.

I felt let down by that statement.  I felt as though the school did not care.  Afterwards I told the teacher that I wanted to shoot that girl execution style and I even motioned my fingers in such manner.  She smiled at me and said that's illegal.  I'm surprised she didn't suspend me for that but I was the top student in her class and nearly made high A's on everything so I guess she could sense that the situation made me really upset.

There are other times where it seemed as though teachers were entertained by bullies (which often lead to bullies getting by on their humor)  or even too scared to say something to a bully.

A friend of mine who is a teacher told me that she witness someone get bullied constantly but the school would never do anything about it no matter how much she reported it so she actually taught the victim self-defense.

There are thousands of children that are left mentally crippled for life because of school bullying and I think teachers need to stop making empty threats that the bully will be punished.  Principals should also follow through with suspension and even expulsion for continuous bullying.

Again, these were just my opinions based on what I've experienced.  I know that not all teachers, principals. or higher staff officals do not act in such manner.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject matter.  In your experience who do you think is to blame?

My personal view is that each case is unique, although it may share similar experiences with others. No doubt many people here were bullied as a child, but where the blame lies could be a mixture of all of the above, dependant on the circumstances.

The way things are now, with the advent of cyber-bullying, it's no longer limited to the school, and sometimes school staff may be completely oblivious to it since the victim may be too scared to speak out. In which case, I don't see there's a whole lot they can do.

In my own experience, I think I was most to blame for it, since I allowed it to happen. As a child I was the quiet, sensitive kid at the back, who would absorb everything said and offer nothing but a smile. I allowed it to happen because it was my former best friends who were doing it. For what reason, I still don't know. I refused to acknowledge it for what it was, and believed that because they were my friends, there must be something wrong with me and they were entirely justified in the psychological hate campaign waged against me. Not to mention I felt something intrinsically wrong with myself, the way I looked and how I didn't fit in as 'one of the lads', although I didn't know what it was at the time. I suppose part of it was that I thought that was what they were picking up on. There was nothing anyone could have done at that point because I thought I deserved it. So I said nothing.

I blamed myself because I didn't know better. Unfortunately, being self-critical is a trait which has stayed with me. As has being very careful who I am friends with.

Ultimately a society based on who is the best is always going to have bullies, and this is mostly due to our nature of the strongest are superior because they can force. It's a learned trait, it's very much like war. No one really wants war except for the ones that do, so we have to wage war to stop war. Which is a gross oversimplification, but the point is I think almost everyone is to blame, which is like saying no one is to blame.

I'd like to say the blame ultimately falls into the parents hands, or whoever raised them. Because if every child was raised strictly to be kind, there would be no bullies (because kids often become bullies to avoid being bullied, or because they think it is normal to act that way).

Which is a silly thing to ask all of society to fix, Unfortunately bullying is just like any other crime against someone else, almost 100% unpreventable, If it's going to happen, It'll probably happen. And often times it may not, and when it goes overboard people die.

It's really sad. Harsher Punishments might work, but at some point your not solving the problem, your just forcing the bullies to become more clever, people can be sick and go to any length to hurt someone.

Many parties could be to "blame."

Part of it is probably animal instinct/tribalism: persecute the "other."

Part of it are the bullies themselves. It could be that their parents and other authority figures have tried to teach them to not behave that way. But if the bullies don't learn the lessons, or don't want to learn the lessons, I think that the authority figures aren't necessarily to blame. However, if they aren't teaching that bullying in unacceptable or they aren't teaching that properly, or even encouraging it then they are definitely part of the problem.

Those who dismiss bullying as "boys will be boys" or "it's just kids being kids" or "it's just part of life" are also part of the problem.

Abusers are responsible for their behaviour same as everyone else. However, letting an abuser get away with it reinforces the idea that it's ok.

Had to make a comment on this since I was bullied horribly when I was in 6th-7th grade.

I blame the people that used to be my friends, I told them a secret, and they might have been afraid of it, or they might have been angry, but whatever it was, there was no reason to threaten my life.
I blame the teachers, because when I was sitting at an empty 24-seater table, they sent the 'troublemakers' to sit with me as punishment. They recognized me as punishment for other children.
I blame my mom for not seeing how miserable I was, and not doing something to stop it.
and I blame myself for letting them bully me. I didn't stand up for myself, and looking back I think that if I had, they would have stopped. Instead I let them do it, and I let it affect me, and they saw that and it got worst and never got better because me and my family moved away.

I'm not saying that everyone who was a victim of bullying is to blame, but that sometimes I step back and realize that there were things I could have done differently. I think what made it difficult was that the teachers didn't help. They saw that I was being bullied, it was obvious. To when I would sit at a table and they would all move away, to just me standing there with my tray for a good five minutes, trying to figure out where I could sit that wouldn't leave me ostracized. While teachers really can't do much for bullying these days (and probably less so in... ah *thinks* 1996-97), there were other methods to get me away from that environment. When I'm crying into my macaroni, because a girl has just come up to me and told me that 'if you don't stop ____, we're going to kill you.', it's better to give the option to eat somewhere else. But instead nothing.

Of course, this is all opinion based, from my own experiences. In a general wide spectrum, I will say that those who teach are more responsible. Whether it be parents, teachers, an officer of law, or television. If the idea of bullying is not addressed in a way to limit and stop it, then it will keep occurring. I think that bullying is almost an instinct for a lot of people, whether out of fear or confusion. I've learned that, generally, people don't like to feel that, and sometimes they become aggressive in their attempts to stop their own discomfort. If they aren't taught that it is a bad thing, they will keep doing it, and will teach the same thing to generations that follow, if not by word, than by visuals. Sometimes I wish that more money was put into 'Stop Bullying' programs that 'War on Drug' programs. How many times did I sit through a D.A.R.E program about how drugs are bad? How many times did I sit through a program where I was taught that bullying was bad?

I work in a high school.

My perspective is that the children don't know better. It is up to us, the adults, to create an environment where respect is valued and bullying is not tolerated.

Children who are being bullied need to feel safe enough to come to an adult and ask for help. The adults must repeat the message in lots of ways, that we welcome children coming to us for help, and that we WILL help.

In a school environment where the victims feel empowered to ask for help, bullying is much more difficult. In a school environment where that does not happen, the adults are at fault.

My daughter is a bully, or would be if she was socially clever enough. She has a mean streak a mile wide and a desire for power that seems to be rooted in a need for control and security.

She's also been bullied quite a bit. One kid told her he put a snake in our house that only bites white girls, and that it would sleep in her bed. For months she wouldn't go to bed if I didn't check for that snake first. I couldn't talk her out of believing it, but I knew she was over it when one day she came to me in tears and gritting her teeth and told me that she was going to tell him that she had a snake that only bites mean people.

Now that she's older, she gets bullied mostly for behaving childishly. Her hygiene is iffy at times, and she talks to herself. She carries a stuffed animal with her most of the time. She usually doesn't seem to notice when people make fun of her. But it puts a knot in my belly and ashes in my mouth. I need to just get used to it.

I got bullied as a kid, sometimes. We moved around a lot, and sometimes I was popular, sometimes I was invisible or average, and sometimes I was at the bottom of the heap. I never said anything. I could have stopped it but I felt like I didn't have a voice or the right words.

When more than one person is involved in a problem, all share the blame to some extent

I am reminded of the 12 year old child from my neighborhood (only four blocks away) who took his own life a few weeks ago do to being bullied at school    I still shed tears

Everyone involved in the circumstances that lead to such a terrible event share in the blame

Just my opinion

Where I am in the workplace the onus on controlling bulling is on the supervisor. That means we have have the legal responsibility to stop bullying or we are held responsible. I'm OK with that in the work force, as long as the person being bullied lets me know.

At school growing up I was the only girl in a Christian Brothers College school. I was subjected to constant bullying. It was so common I thought it was normal.

But it did wear me down. I hated school. Even though I did well, it was my fire that kept me going, thank goddess for giving it too me.

I find the concept of hatred and bullying rather bizarre. I really do not understand the concepts. How can you hate someone? Yes you can learn to hate someone who abuses you or yours, but just plain out hate. The same for bullying, how and why do people do it?

In school I remember one particular foul day when we had to do gym. My underwear was stolen so 'they' could see if I was a boy. Why? Sadly, I had the tumours and growth. But they knew that, so why bully me? I'm just perplexed in what such people want to achieve. What is the purpose of bullying?


I'm very sad for such people, they are lesser people and don't know it.

Cindy, remembering bad times

When I was a freshman in high school (9th grade - age 14+/-), I was a stocky kid, about 5'9" and 170 pounds.  It was the practice at the time for those in the physical education classes to shower at the end of the class, in communal showers, and dress out at their lockers.  The P.E. classes typically were not segregated by age, so you had boys in the classes from age 13 to 18.

About a couple of weeks into the fall semester, I was dressing at my locker, when an older, smaller, wise-ass kid came up to me and made a remark about my somewhat obvious beasts.  He then attempted to pinch my tits!

My first reaction, standing in my underwear, was to knock his hands away, and then in anger, I clocked him with my right fist, sending him sprawling over the bench and onto the ground.  Within a couple of seconds, one of the PhysEd teachers was there, saying, "You two get dressed and get into my office!"  I knew I was in big trouble.

Up in the office, which had a big glass window, overlooking the locker room, so everyone could see, the teacher asked what happened.  I told my side.  When questioned, the smart ass said he was just kidding.  The teacher then sent the smart ass out to go to class and kept me.  I was sh**ing bricks.

The PhysEd teacher was a scarey big man.  He had been a football player for the Cal Poly team that had been involved in an airplane crash that had killed about half the team.  He survived the crash, but was covered with burn scars on his arms and head.

He looked at me and said, "Have you ever considered playing football?"  I said, "No, coach, but I was thinking of trying out for basketball."  "You'll be a good forward," he replied, "Now get out of here!"

I was only at that school for one year.  I never had a problem with that kid again, nor did anyone try to touch me.  There were still some verbal kidding about my gynecomastia, but I think it made me a stronger person, and certainly one who could empathize with those who were bullied.

Quote from: Cindy James on June 03, 2012, 05:05:23 AM
What is the purpose of bullying?

Not at all baffling to me. Bullies are scared. They are so scared that something bad is going to happen to them, that they try to deflect the badness on someone weaker. They are scared they will not be liked. Some of them figure they'll look better if they put someone else down. Others use it to feel powerful so they don't have to face their own powerlessness. For some the cruelty is like a drug-rush that distracts them from their own negative feelings.

Quote from: Jamie D on June 03, 2012, 05:48:04 AM
I was dressing at my locker, when an older, smaller, wise-ass kid came up to me and made a remark about my somewhat obvious beasts.  He then attempted to pinch my tits!

My first reaction, standing in my underwear, was to knock his hands away, and then in anger, I clocked him with my right fist, sending him sprawling over the bench and onto the ground. 

Yeah, for me the locker room before and after gym was a common place to be bullied. Unfortunately I was a little skinny kid. I was quick with my fists but I was so uncoordinated that the chance of my actually contacting something that would hurt anyone was virtually nil. Usually when I did succeed in hitting someone, the reaction was usually laughter.

That being said, 12-14 years old was hellish for just about everybody in some way or another. I probably survived better than many.

The students and parents should be at fault followed by the teachers and principal if they don't try and stop it after knowing about it.  However, there is only so much a teacher or principal can do.  If a student wants to keep bullying someone then they will.

I was bullied as a kid, but I never blamed the teachers nor the principal.  It was the fault of the bully and his parents.  His parents were the ones who didn't teach him how to treat others right.  The teachers tried, but (like I said) they can only do so much.

Now that I've taken courses to teach and am entering the work force soon, I've really realized this.  The teachers almost always have their hands tied in some way.  Blaming them entirely isn't fair because they can't always do something.  There is so much red tape for them that it makes it hard for them to do just about anything.

I think the blame is shared by everyone...well, everyone but the victim. 
I think people tend to try to make excuses for the bully, whatever they may be.

Teachers and administrators aren't therapists, social workers, or police.
That being said, both have an obligation to provide a safe learning environment for the students.

I don't have any kids myself, and I'm not sure how things have changed since my wonderful experiences 20 years ago, but the act of bullying is essentially the same.

The most prominent thing I remember from those times was the utter apathy on the part of those teachers and administrators.  I can only guess that they thought being subject to bullying was "character building" or some other short-sighted way of justifying or ignoring it.  When bullying happens in the classroom where there's some sort of supervision, yes, the teachers will obviously try to stop the symptom.  Bullies, while having the mental capacity of primates, aren't complete idiots.  They would retaliate and continue when it became safe for them to do it, be it in a locker room, the school bus, a hallway, or even within a dense crowd of students under faculty supervision.  They knew where they could succeed in exacting their efforts.

I try to think this type of behavior on the part of the faculty/staff is the exception versus the norm, however my personal experiences did not reflect that.  Recent propaganda seems to show the same.

Like others may have been on here, I was...different...growing up.  I remember an incident when I was in sixth grade and a couple of thugs attacked me in an active classroom, presumably due to jealousy or me being "different."  I did nothing to provoke this and did not associate with these individuals on a regular basis.  The teacher had stepped out to speak with another teacher one room over.  Approaching me from behind my back (naturally), one thug picked me up out of my chair and held me in a full nelson while the other punched me in the face.  Being in the full nelson, I couldn't defend myself and took the blows.  When the teacher finally came back into the classroom, I was sent to the principal's office.  I was suspended.  The other thugs were too, but the difference here is that I'd never been to the principal's office in my life.  I was in the honors program.  I gave a ish.  This incident truly opened my eyes (after they healed of course).

I wish I could provide the perfect solution.  I'm not sure I can for all scenarios.
I think that cementing "hate" as something that is looked down upon by society as a whole is a good first step...for our children, and for US.  After all, even monkeys can learn.

Quote from: JadeRose on June 03, 2012, 11:09:05 AM
Approaching me from behind my back (naturally), one thug picked me up out of my chair and held me in a full nelson while the other punched me in the face.  Being in the full nelson, I couldn't defend myself and took the blows.  When the teacher finally came back into the classroom, I was sent to the principal's office.  I was suspended. 

Jade, in my opinion, this is criminal child neglect. You were assaulted twice, once in the classroom and then again by the administrators.

Quote from: agfrommd on June 03, 2012, 12:07:09 PM
Jade, in my opinion, this is criminal child neglect. You were assaulted twice, once in the classroom and then again by the administrators.

This used to happen to my kid and I was told that by the principal that if he did anything it would be playing favorites, and that the children needed to work it out for themselves. When I was a kid and got bullied, I was always told that teachers couldn't do anything about it because I had no proof. Even when said teachers were witnesses.