Has anyone went through this, and how did it work out for you?

My partner is gay and MAAB. Sometime in the future, we would like to get married. Gay marriage is not legal in our state though. We are okay with getting legally married as "man and woman", because we know that it has no impact on our identities. I haven't changed my name or started T or done any of that yet, and am not sure if I ever will. I do go by my initials, and am pretty much only "female" at work and with my family. Everywhere else I'm free to be Konnor.

However, if we get legally married, won't we have to out me to everyone who attends? It likely won't be a huge wedding, but all of our extended families, people we went to school with, and various other friends would be there. Some know me as *girl name* and some as Konnor, some know me as his boyfriend and others his girlfriend. Until now, I've kind of been living two lives, and I don't think that will be possible to do anymore when we have a wedding because the two lives will be intermingled.

I'm not sure how to go about getting married while still keeping both of our identities intact, mine as male and his as gay/pan. We aren't sure how to explain our relationship to people who don't know us extremely well either. Any advice would be helpful, whether you've gone through this or not. Thanks!!

Get eloped, save yourself the costs and stress.

I know...not really an awesome plan, but you would be able to get your benefits and all without the stress. It also saves having to explain to folks why they were not invited.

Quote from: Nygeel on June 04, 2012, 04:58:03 PM
Get eloped, save yourself the costs and stress.

I know...not really an awesome plan, but you would be able to get your benefits and all without the stress. It also saves having to explain to folks why they were not invited.

Exactly. I actually would like a small sort of get together with family only but I don't care either way lol My fiancee though says she doesn't want a wedding. She just wants it to be the two of us doing it. Which is exactly what Nygeel is saying. Save yourself stress and money and have at it on the honeymoon! Think about it. All the money you put into a stressful event. OR put all of that money and effort into a honeymoon you will always remember!

I could never do this to myself, but best of luck.

@Stewie and Nygeel, funny you mention that, because his sister and her husband eloped and didn't tell anyone in the family that they were married until a month later. It seriously tore his family up for the next two years. His parents still complain about it now. So sadly, eloping is probably not an option. Even if we keep the wedding very small, his extended family will still be there, so the issue is still there.

Could do a civil ceremony with just the parents...or parents and siblings only.

Quote from: Konnor on June 04, 2012, 05:30:16 PM
@Stewie and Nygeel, funny you mention that, because his sister and her husband eloped and didn't tell anyone in the family that they were married until a month later. It seriously tore his family up for the next two years. His parents still complain about it now. So sadly, eloping is probably not an option. Even if we keep the wedding very small, his extended family will still be there, so the issue is still there.

I don't get this. It's YOUR day. If they want to have a wedding, they can have one. But it should be up to you guys to decide whether or not you want a wedding. There shouldn't be this pressure to do it.

Stewie...it's just the way his parents are. Particularly his mum. And the two of us do want a wedding...we just wish there was a way to avoid all the gendered stuff that goes with it, and disclose to as few people as possible. Guess we will think on it some more. Thanks for that suggestion Nygeel!

Well my priest is gay, and pretty untraditional in many ways, So I belive if I somehow felt the need to get marrige to a guy, and I still had my gender marked as a girl, then I could talk to him about it if he would do so. not as in "man and woman" way but as in a
gay marrige, like he would call me "he" and I could dress up in suit, and we could marrige as husband x husband.

Currently we dont have gay marrige either, we might get it later on but not right not, so the chance for me to get marrige is like 50% for whatever gendermarked I have at that time mixed with whatever gender I wanna marrige.

I am not really that interesting in marrige but in caise that was what I would do, I wouldnt like to be marrige as a "woman"
it just isnt me, so it would be a waste of time and money.
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I belive if your to get marrige you should make clear for all the people about your relationship before you invite them,
so theres no, out of sudden reaction or whatever who could ruin it all, Wait to you know peoples reaction on it, and when there used to the though you can get marriged.

Quote from: Natkat on June 04, 2012, 06:35:58 PM
Well my priest is gay, and pretty untraditional in many ways, So I belive if I somehow felt the need to get marrige to a guy, and I still had my gender marked as a girl, then I could talk to him about it if he would do so. not as in "man and woman" way but as in a
gay marrige, like he would call me "he" and I could dress up in suit, and we could marrige as husband x husband.

I belive if your to get marrige you should make clear for all the people about your relationship before you invite them,
so theres no, out of sudden reaction or whatever who could ruin it all, Wait to you know peoples reaction on it, and when there used to the though you can get marriged.

That's actually quite helpful, thanks NatKat! I guess that even though it will be a legal marriage on paper, we don't have to do anything in the ceremony that says anything gendered. I will definitely not be wearing a dress and my partner will always call me his husband. I agree...we should definitely let people know beforehand and give them some time to decide how they feel about it. If they don't come, fine, but atleast they know. Thanks for the advice man!

I'm married legally to a dude Coming up on my 7th anniversary actually. I'm not "out" to the family on either side so it just seemed all very "normal" to them and we didn't have a ceremony or anything. One day we just announced we were going to do it (we'd already been together for like 5 years). Most we did was send out announcements and my parents showed up at the court house for it. So we waited in line like 30 minutes and then got married then me and him and my folks went to an Italian restaurant to have our own little celebration.

I don't really know all that much about weddings, but surely something along the lines of 'You are cordially invite you to the wedding of Konnor and ----, and we ask that you witness the joyous union of these two men with us' in the invite would get the message across?

Granted, it's not the most tactful way of coming out, but this way your position is clear to anyone who attends, and if anyone has any questions they're likely to be answered by a family member or friend in the know long before the actual day. You're perfectly right; just because you will be legally female at the time, doesn't mean you or anyone else has to act like it on the day.

Quote from: Konnor on June 04, 2012, 07:12:53 PM
That's actually quite helpful, thanks NatKat! I guess that even though it will be a legal marriage on paper, we don't have to do anything in the ceremony that says anything gendered. I will definitely not be wearing a dress and my partner will always call me his husband. I agree...we should definitely let people know beforehand and give them some time to decide how they feel about it. If they don't come, fine, but atleast they know. Thanks for the advice man!

your wellcome, I wish you luck on the marrige.

That's awesome to hear inside, I didn't know you were married. We will very likely have a formal ceremony of some sort because everyone will want to attend...your way sounds so much easier though! We're coming up on a year together, so we have plenty of time to figure out exactly what we want to do. We have just been discussing it lately so I wanted to see if any of you guys had opinions

Bane...you're right. I still have a lot of therapy and stuff to get through to figure myself out, so we might keep it more gender neutral and just avoid using pronouns/"bride/groom"/anything like that. Putting it on the invite is a good idea though, or maybe including a letter explaining with the invites. I'm not sure if that is an appropriate way to come out to people or not, but it would just be extended family and friends.

You guys have given me some stuff to think about. Thanks again!