I'd like a little relationship advice from the MTFs at any stage of transition:

If you haven't read my introduction yet I'm a 35 year-old recently self-identified as transgendered with a primary attraction to women. 

In my past as a genetic male I've fallen into the common trap of becoming a girl's best friend all the time and getting virtually nowhere with relationships.  Now I'm beginning to understand why this dynamic kept developing.  These were girls who PURSUED ME so they certainly saw something they wanted.  I greatly valued and welcomed this kind of friendship but it eventually became clear that it never set off the right emotional queues to make it anything more.  It didn't help that I had a vitually dormant sex drive because sex as a male never appealed to me.  This always eventually led to confusion, distrust and hurt for both sides.  I grew so tired of the routine that I ended up swearing off relationships.

What I've noticed upon looking back through my life is that I was always attracted to 'boyish' girls.  They could be very sweet but they always had a certain look and behaviour.  Some had a dominant side they felt conflicted by.  Interestingly ALL of them that expressed a mutual interest in me or became close enough friends made pretty clear comments of various sorts that revealed they were in gender conflict themselves.  I guess none of us really understood ourselves well enough to be comfortable expressing what we needed or to believe the other could provide it.

Flash-forward to the present where I am now understanding my female side and considering transition.  I'd just finished having this breakthrough with myself and gotten somewhat comfortable with the idea, and after a great amount of research was getting to the point of figuring how to come out.  Then it happens - I find out another girl is very interested in me and someone else is trying hard to press the point by playing matchmaker.  I like her a lot and I'm strongly attracted to her but it looks like exactly the same thing is going to happen again.  Only this time it's almost guaranteed to blow up in my face because of my transgender issue.  They are also a co-worker so if I'm honest even in part with her about who I am, even up front as a disclaimer, I may be outed to my entire company in a very embarrassing way.

It would be nice to be able to trust my instincts and the 'matchmakers' instincts about this girl.  It would be horrible if I passed up a chance at a wonderful and supportive life partner just because I was too afraid to be myself with her.  Unfortunately I think the risk may be too high.  But I'm getting backed into a corner now on this one and my anxiety is through the roof.  I'm not asking any of you to make the decision for me but I could certainly use your input in this delicate situation.  Do I chance that this girl has the maturity and intelligence to be considerate of me and my privacy if I'm really not what they're looking for?  How the heck do I even guage that?  I'm considering very cautiously trying to diffuse this situation so that I can try to be ordinary friends with her first but I'm not sure I can.  These girls in my past kept making up their minds ahead of time that they wanted a relationship and if it didn't follow a formulaic script then they would get really upset.  It's hard to be friends with someone who has a crush on you.  I'm greatly concerned this is all happening again.  Trying not to get way ahead of myself here but I just can't shake the fear.

I can't discuss this with any of my family or friends yet because then I'd have to go through my entire life story and announce my TG discovery (along with complete explanation) before I was ready just so I could explain.  It's too much to take all at once.  This feels like a one-in-a-million shot and I'm getting freaked out.  What would you do???

Thx,
  Violet

 I would not date before my transition was complete. A potential partner would have to be bisexual for it to be on the table as a decision, and they have to be a very special kind of person - transitioning on someone is a very unfair thing to put them through if it's during a relationship.

Find out about her sexuality before you do anything. You mentioned she has a crush on you... it is likely that she is straight.

You require someone who is bisexual, or ideally pansexual, and who loves unconditionally and purely at this point in the game - if you wait to transition, however, then the rules that apply to everyone else return. If you still like women at that point, then you just need a lesbian, and the love doesn't have to be unconditional - such people are a lot easier to find.

I am taking things slowly and making friends in the local Lesbian community.  It seems like a good move anyway.
I am open about being pre-op TS once I get to know someone a bit, and also that I am not actively pursuing a relationship. I make no secret of the fact that I  am open to starting one though if the right person appears, and if friends know anyone likely to be interested they can feel free to pass on my mobile number.
  I figure something will happen sooner or later with a woman who wants a relationship with a person, not a gender or a bodily organ. 

Karen.

I've struggled to figure out exactly what it is that attracts people to me.  I've been described as "really cute", been told I have beautiful eyes, and many women say they are jealous of my long eyelashes and extremely slender figure.  One said I should be a model because I "have that look".  None of these particular women had any intentions towards me however.  They still felt compelled to say these things though.

Despite that I still don't get why girls would be attracted to me because I'm not very masculine at all.  In fact I could be considered quite androgynous or feminine.  I'm 6'1", 140lbs and have never been able to build any major muscle mass or keep extra weight on.  For the longest time I've worn clothes that hide my body because it isn't masculine in shape or bulk.  I'm totally the 'girl's best friend nice guy' type, shy, introverted and anxious in most social situations.  I hardly even have any masculine mannerisms.  Recently I even realised that I walk like a genetic female.  All of this is out there plain to see for everyone.  Everyone thinks I'm not normal because of these things and I frequently get asked if I'm gay.  So are these girls that went for me just really confused?  Or do they have a different definition of the masculine ideal much in the way that I have a different definition of the feminine ideal?  The best I can figure is that they are incredibly shy or insecure and consider me non-threatening.

The current girl in question, despite being kinda shy, is very independent, driven, and smart and fiercely proud of it.  This is exactly the stuff that makes my heart flutter.  Physically, although extremely petite, she has a very androgynous body form with extremely narrow hips.  What really got me wondering what the deal is with her though is that she tends to walk in a knees-out masculine way.  Could it be that I'm instinctively trying to balance out my female qualities with a masculine-leaning girl and her the reverse?

I'm wandering a bit here but at least you'll have a better understanding.  I have to get back to figuring out how to read her properly and settle this situation down carefully for the moment.  I agree that it would be better to remove myself from the equation and wait to try with different people after transition.  Still very unsure how I'm going to worm my way out of this one.

Maybe you should just ask her out and see what happens.

I'm trying to figure which one of you two women is the angel and which the devil whispering in my ears.  Or do you also fall within a spectrum when it comes to good and evil?  Anyone ever heard of a 'transdeity'?

  or  ?  I'll let you know after the Queen's Ball on Sunday night. 

Touché,  ma soeur.

If she wasn't a co-worker I would say go for it.  But since she is I would tell her that you're not currently interested in a relationship.  See if see wants to go to a movie or dinner as just friends.  Then you can get to know her a little and maybe get a idea on how she feels about transgender people.  You have to be careful because she is a co-worker.  Otherwise you'll be outed at work before you want to be.

No offense, but this screams bad idea all over.

1) Transitioning is a stressful, messy and complicated process. Trying to start a serious relationship during it is tapdancing in a minefield to begin with. And you don't sound like you want something casual. Add in the fact that you are entirely pre-transition, and she's perceiving you as male... and, like dude, so bad idea. Or to put it another way - chances are this is gonna end in heartbreak (most relationships do), you want that ON TOP of dealing with transition?

2) She's straight. I mean I don't know this 100%. I can't guarantee it. But.. she's straight. Most people are, regardless of whether they harbour hidden fantasies of a same-sex fling. Straight is normal, most people are normal. And straight doesn't work for you and won't work for you. Hell, even the faint chance she's bi is no guarantee. You'll look different post-transition. Just 'cause she was attracted to how you looked as a guy, does not mean she'll be attracted to how you look as a girl. You may become entirely un->-bleeped-<-able in her eyes. Being attracted to girls does not mean being attracted to ALL girls. And pansexuals are so rare they don't even register on surveys outside of queer communities.

3) That she likes pretty boys doesn't imply anything regarding her sexuality other than she is attracted to pretty boys. It doesn't mean she sees you as female. Not even a little. I'm sorry. I was the pretty boy too. That she's androgynous doesn't, sadly, guarantee anything regarding her sexuality either. One of the hottest, dykeyist-looking tomboys I've ever met is married to a bloke with two kids. (So sad.) Yes, there is a somewhat higher chance that she's queer. But the interest she's showing in you is actually evidence against her being interested in you.

4) If this goes badly (and most likely it will). You'll be kicked out of the closet before you are prepared, before you can talk to your family, your friends, your boss, etc. Being outed by someone who probably may not like you very much at that point, who will tell the story her own way (and not to your benefit), is not exactly the best method of coming out. This would be like holding on to a hand grenade with your eyes closed, praying that the pin hasn't been pulled. How well do you know this girl again?

5) It's not just hard to be friends with someone who has a crush on you, it's actually much harder to be friends with someone you have a crush on. That may not be a thing you can or should ask of her. The wanting doesn't generally stop, at least not for a good long while. She may look like a friend after a while, but she's still quietly wanting to screw your brains out. It makes for complicated friendships.


So... ya, this is probably a terrible thing to do. And you should stay way the hell away from this girl. But if you recognize those problems, and you think it's worth it anyway... well, go for it. I did. And it was wonderful and terrible and then it was over. I still don't know if I regret it or not. *Shrug*

(I think I'm the devil.)

I really appreciate all of your comments.  Overall I believe this is a risky proposition even though I won't be starting any kind of physical transition likely for about a year.  My past experience with other girls made me avoid showing any direct interest in her since I first saw her about a year and a half ago even though I immediately saw she was a little different from the rest and liked her.  (That means interaction was restricted to job-related stuff only, not even casual small talk.)  I didn't mean to suggest that a relationship would have been a good idea, transition or otherwise.  The problem for me now is that an outsider is pressing the point trying to play matchmaker and I'm going to be forced to somehow explain to them why two smart, nice people who like each other shouldn't even try.  One way or another I'm automatically going to come away from this looking bad.  Hopefully I can find a way to keep the number of people who decide I'm an idiot to a minimum.

I'm afraid that my only way out of this is to start talking with her enough to say I'm not interested or to make some excuse about how it's a bad idea, obviously framing it in a way that says I'm concerned about her feelings.  Privately she'll likely take it personally, but that's how it always goes.  Better now than a breakup.

Dating is complicated for the trans community well outside of it even as post op the whole thought scares me

i have been in a long term relationship and long distance
sadly though my waiting and personality faults ended up ruining the only thing i loved

what you choose i wish you good luck

I've grown quite well accustomed to being alone except for family and a few trusted friends to talk to, so I can handle staying that way.  I've seen so many people fall blindly into relationships with stars in their eyes believing they can mold a partner into something they're not.  Human nature, I guess.  My struggle is to keep my disappointment and loneliness from blinding my judgement.  I'm not sure though how I'm ever to know when someone is truly going to be right for me.  Your stories, good, bad or ugly are very informative and welcome.  Keep them coming.

If your going to transition know that most lesbian women do not want us. If you date at work it can mess up work. You sound very nice and might be a transbian attracted to others like yourself. You also might like FTM's. However, you need to figure out what your going to do. You might even like men (gaggh) as you say you are attracted to tomboy girls. You haven't gotten HRT in you which can change you. You sound open to growing and evolving as you do not have a big past sexual or intimacy herstory. Many straight women want a husband and see you as potential material because your not overly sexual and seem very sane. I would be careful getting married then needing to transition later and well debts and child support etc etc..