Since i am currently battling with my inner self:

Have any of you had trouble accepting yourself for who you really are?

I mean, dont get me wrong, i am open minded to almost anything and everything and i know more than most people that other people dont matter in these situations. I know what i am, but it's like something is really holding me back. Maybe it's lack of confidence - or maybe it's hard to accept myself truly being around people who aren't 'as' accepting.

I know in time i will see my own true colours and will eventually be free from the chains that shackle me. But being stuck on the road there is difficult to cope with.

Wishy,

Almost all of us have been through what you have described in other posts... or at least the part about wondering who and what we are. Somehow, you'll work through it. But you do have to work through it.  If you just let it slide, you'll be plagued with those thoughts your whole life.

Cindi

Quote from: Cindi Jones on April 26, 2007, 03:21:04 PM
Wishy,

Almost all of us have been through what you have described in other posts... or at least the part about wondering who and what we are. Somehow, you'll work through it. But you do have to work through it.  If you just let it slide, you'll be plagued with those thoughts your whole life.

Cindi

Cidy speeks the truth, I Knew when I was 8 there was something wrong with me and finally worked it out when I was 15 years old but I egnored it and didn't except that that was right. 15 years later Im still battling with GID. It gets harder and hard each year and I now only just excepted that transition may be the only was to sort me out for good. I have waisted my whole life living a lie I could have been living my dream by now and be the woman that I know that I am. I only have my self dout, and lack of acceptance to blame.

If you think you have an issue to sort out better get it out in the open when you can and not to sit on it and egnor it.
Wish I had anyway...

Good luck Wishy, hope you get what you need

Luv Lucy

It just feels like all i'm waiting for is my first appointment with the GR clinic. I feel totally useless right now. Like i'm on this long pause and i dont know when the play button will be pressed again.

All i'm doing is thinking "This is what i want, this is where i want to be"... and i cant for the life of me find a way to do something about it myself while waiting for that moment i get to sit in that room with the man or woman that can finally say "Go!"

Without that, and without the hormones i feel like nothing. I feel like i cant be me. And i'm betting there is an answer out there, i bet there is something i can do in the mean time... it just hasn't clicked yet.

The only thing i can think of is to talk to people (you guys) and make sure i'm not the only one and find answers from other peoples experiences that may help me try to figure things out.

But at the end of the day, i know deep inside that only i can figure things out for myself.

Wishy,

I think the younger you are to address this "stuff" the better.

The thinking part of me says absolutely no the feeling part of me says absolutely yes.

It has taken me decades to be absolutely stuck.  I don't feel useless I have become useless.

It will be great for you to go and talk to someone!  It is great to continue to talk at this forum.

W

Wishy,

I was living my life as a female (except for work) before I received therapy and HRT.  I could not wait for those things. After two sessions with my therapist, I TOLD her that I was going to start living my life as a woman full time. She advised against it, but hey, I couldn't hold it back any longer. It would have been better for me to be more emotionally prepared, for I did have a meltdown.  But once my secret was out, I had to do it.  I suppose that I would not have had that meltdown had it not been for my religious affiliations.

But it all worked out.  Life is good.

Chin up!

Cindi

i wish i could just start living as 'me'.

But as i stated in my rant on the 'just us' boards - it's difficult for me to get round the reactions people have of me. At the minute my hair looks pretty girly (when i look in the mirrow i see a guy - everyone else doesn't think so) But maybe i'm just seeing me and they're all seeing the person they think they know. But the hair is for a good cause (i need it as is for now cos i'm dressing up end of May and need the hairdo).

But i wish i could grow my hair long and people would see a guy/girl and not a girl trying to look like a guy.... i bet people just look at me and think i'm some sort of a butch lesbian or something. I dont want them to see that. And no matter how much i tell myself that what other people see isn't important - IT IS!!! and i blame human confidence/awareness for that lol

I dont want to dress like an average guy. I dont want to look like an average guy with short hair in jeans and t-shirt. I want to be me. I want the long flowing hair, the tight bootleg trousers, the platforms (they have a height advantage ^_^), the tight tops showing off my flat masculine chest or maybe the fishnet top showing off my pale, clean-shaven masculine chest... I want to be able to paint my nails any colour i want and still be called a guy. I want to be able to wear eyeliner and not get called 'darling' for the soul purpose that all someone see's is a girl.

I dont half choose the most impossible paths in life... i just have myself to blame. But i wouldn't be me if i didn't 

Quote from: wishy on April 26, 2007, 04:24:46 PM
i wish i could just start living as 'me'.

But as i stated in my rant on the 'just us' boards - it's difficult for me to get round the reactions people have of me. At the minute my hair looks pretty girly (when i look in the mirrow i see a guy - everyone else doesn't think so) But maybe i'm just seeing me and they're all seeing the person they think they know. But the hair is for a good cause (i need it as is for now cos i'm dressing up end of May and need the hairdo).

But i wish i could grow my hair long and people would see a guy/girl and not a girl trying to look like a guy.... i bet people just look at me and think i'm some sort of a butch lesbian or something. I dont want them to see that. And no matter how much i tell myself that what other people see isn't important - IT IS!!! and i blame human confidence/awareness for that lol

I dont want to dress like an average guy. I dont want to look like an average guy with short hair in jeans and t-shirt. I want to be me. I want the long flowing hair, the tight bootleg trousers, the platforms (they have a height advantage ^_^), the tight tops showing off my flat masculine chest or maybe the fishnet top showing off my pale, clean-shaven masculine chest... I want to be able to paint my nails any colour i want and still be called a guy. I want to be able to wear eyeliner and not get called 'darling' for the soul purpose that all someone see's is a girl.

I dont half choose the most impossible paths in life... i just have myself to blame. But i wouldn't be me if i didn't 

Oh, I understand, Wishy. You just want to be yourself, but you want people to know who you are, and not see a female. I understand. I feel the same way a lot. I wouldn't care how masculine or feminine my looks were if only people could see who I really am. But all everybody sees is a butch woman.

I agree with Cindi. What your hearing is the urge to leap. Thats when it is time to leap.

The feelings you explained happened to me also. When It was time for me to do the things to become that definition of who I am to me, those are the types of feelings I felt also. I think we all, or most of us probably feel that.  I also leaped like Cindi.

Its your turn...

You'll feel good that you did. Just keep it real, and listen to what you want, and stick to it. Do all you can.

Become this

QuoteI want the long flowing hair, the tight bootleg trousers, the platforms (they have a height advantage ^_^), the tight tops showing off my flat masculine chest or maybe the fishnet top showing off my pale, clean-shaven masculine chest... I want to be able to paint my nails any colour i want and still be called a guy. I want to be able to wear eyeliner and not get called 'darling' for the soul purpose that all someone see's is a girl.

After all, your mind and heart is already there...
KK

Quote from: wishy on April 26, 2007, 03:17:41 PM
Since i am currently battling with my inner self:
Have any of you had trouble accepting yourself for who you really are?
I mean, dont get me wrong, i am open minded to almost anything and everything and i know more than most people that other people dont matter in these situations. I know what i am, but it's like something is really holding me back. Maybe it's lack of confidence - or maybe it's hard to accept myself truly being around people who aren't 'as' accepting.
I know in time i will see my own true colours and will eventually be free from the chains that shackle me. But being stuck on the road there is difficult to cope with.

No Wishy, I have not had any trouble accepting myself for who I really am. As an adult, I have always been who and what I am. I don't want to be more of a 'guy', don't wish to be more of a 'girl'. I am simply myself, exactly as I should be. Changing the outside has no effect on who I am inside. My sense of self is not dependent upon other people's opinions. I feel no need to meet other people's expectations. I meet my own expectations, and that is sufficient and satisfying. As a transcendent Androgyne, I live and think with an overview that is outside of gender. It's a much different perspective from those who are caught up in the societal view of gender or those have an inner sense of acute 'incompleteness'. I am fully complete... and yet ever changing. And that makes me a success story. I understand the needs of others to be themselves, I feel that strongly too! But for me, being myself has no dependence upon what others assume about gender/sex - or even my orientation. My core essence would be the same in any presentation package.

If all you value is how people judge you on your appearance, then you cannot complain when people DO judge you on your appearance.
You have a choice:
A) Dress for yourself. (And ignore other's opinions. Their opinions say much more about themselves than it does about you.)
B) Dress for others. (And spend the rest of your life tweaking your 'look' in the hopes that one day everyone will agree you are a guy/girl instead of a girl/guy.)

Haven't you learned by now that every individual will have a different opinion on your appearance? Your troubles will end when you stop trying to control other people's perspective. When you are no longer vulnerable to other people's opinions, you will have the total freedom to be yourself - exactly as you desire! 

This is NOT a gender problem. You are dealing with a self-esteem problem that hinges directly on what OTHER people think and what you want them to think.

Quote from: wishy on April 26, 2007, 02:56:09 PM
Thats my goal in life.....to confuse people with my true gender. I dont want to be a girl trying to look like a guy - i want to be a guy that looks like a girl!!!

Being a gender rebel, is short term "look at me!" goal. I hope you and your brand new therapist will work on the real issues of your core gender, your self-esteem, and yes, self-acceptance. Be honest with him/her and they will help you be honest with yourself!

Wishing you all the best!
-Emerald

Emerald - I envy you so much. However much i want it, it is difficult not to be phased by what other people say. When people look at me i want them to see something that has over-stepped the boundaries with confidence. I want them to see someone who's not scared to be different and i want them to see a strong person through that.

Ken/Kendra - Your words make me feel stronger. And have me been to sleep and woken up in a brand new day, that makes me feel stronger too.

It's time to conquer the world - though one step at a time, yah? 

Wishy, if thats what you want just do it.

Quote from: wishy on April 27, 2007, 02:45:24 AM
However much i want it, it is difficult not to be phased by what other people say. When people look at me i want them to see something that has over-stepped the boundaries with confidence. I want them to see someone who's not scared to be different and i want them to see a strong person through that.

Hi Wishy!

This seems to be the crux of the issue.  You want to over-step the boundries with confidence, yet you crave other people's acceptance.  One is either confident, or they aren't.  A confident person does not care if others accept...their self-assurance compells others to accept.

You can be very sure that, no matter how you look and act, someone somewhere will make comments about you.  They will whisper to their friends, point, laugh, make rude comments.  This is true whether you are transgendered or not.  This is also true whether you are male or female, old or young, skinny or "a few extra pounds", cute as a speckled pup or bug-fugly ugly.  We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, but you can be sure that not everyone will.  If you live your life trying to make everyone happy, it's not gonna happen...and the one who ends up being the unhappiest is generally you.

Quote
I dont want to dress like an average guy. I dont want to look like an average guy with short hair in jeans and t-shirt. I want to be me. I want the long flowing hair, the tight bootleg trousers, the platforms (they have a height advantage ^_^), the tight tops showing off my flat masculine chest or maybe the fishnet top showing off my pale, clean-shaven masculine chest... I want to be able to paint my nails any colour i want and still be called a guy. I want to be able to wear eyeliner and not get called 'darling' for the soul purpose that all someone see's is a girl.

Not sure how things are in your part of the world, but here in Texas, the only way to paint your nails any color and still be thought of as a guy is to paint them black and go for the goth look.  You may still get hassled by some rednecks, but at least they will consider you a guy...a weirdo...probably gay weirdo...but at least a guy.  Trust me on this one...I get strange looks all the time, while in "guy mode", because of my nails, and I generally don't go out with them polished a color that is easily noticed.

So, if you want to express yourself, do it.  Understand that society has its quirks, and when you bend their rules, some folks tend to not like it, so don't base your happiness on their acceptance.

Go get 'em, Wish

.......Laurie

You're right, Laurie... you are very right.

I'm just getting ready to go out now... and damn.. cant find a thing i wana wear :-/ And then i find something and my hair is short and i want it long again.... Just guna have to deal with it. And yeah, i fit myself into the goth scene. And about the nails... i once had an idol (not anymore becuse i'm not keen on his work no more) and i once saw a piccy of him in bright green and bright yellow nail polish. Automaticly i wanted to do it! But, because i was living as a girl then.... it just didn't feel all that appealing.

Really, i just wana go out there and knock 'em dead. At the minute i have a pair of girls tight trousers on (which go very nicely with my 4 inch platforms, a black tank top and a pixie hoodie over the top. I might get changed another 6 times before i'm actually ready to go get my bus :-/

I horribly regret not investigating who I was when I was younger.  I wouldn't be in the boat I'm in now with reforming my body so far past puberty, and I would be much happier.