I am not supposed to exist, but I do. I am aware that I am not supposed to exist and that makes me very uncomfortable. I am aware that everyone else knows that I can't exist and am painfully aware that I could never be accepted. I have gone to further lengths than any other otherkin I know to make it go away. I have gone through several years of severe depression strongly connected to the fact that I am not supposed to exist.
Then I was finally able to accept that this is not going away and I am not insane (and yes, I have gotten checked out several times). I am finally able to accept who I am inside. It feels great to finally accept myself and like being myself. That should be a good thing right? Not according to other people, no. I want to share my happiness, but I can't. Why?
Because as long as I feel happy about what and who I am, people will assume I chose this and that I am one of those stupid kids (who I despise) who are just pretending. I'm just trying to be happy to be me. I am finally succeeding, but I didn't choose this, I am not pretending, and saying so invalidates everything I went through.
I have to lie to everyone because they want me to and they will hurt me if I tell them what and who I am. Even people like me. I don't want to lie or be annoyingly cryptic. I want to tell the truth. I don't want people to make a big deal out of it or treat me like a freak. I want them to treat me like me. I want to be visible. I want to be wanted. I want someone to be happy for me and like me because I am me.
I have no one to talk to about this because I can't trust anyone. That's is so friggin sad and pathetic.

Quote from: Edge on June 11, 2012, 08:33:09 AM
That's is so friggin sad and pathetic.

No, Edge, it doesn't make you sad and pathetic. It makes you a human being in crisis. It's a very scary place to be not to have people around you that you can trust. Any person, no matter how strong, would find that distressing and difficult. Give yourself credit for bearing up under very difficult circumstances.

Please trust me when I tell you it will get better.

The world is full of accepting people. Really. Not always easy to find, and sometime it requires overlooking their weaknesses to establish trust, but you are a beautiful, admirable, courageous person. You have a lot to offer, and you WILL find people who accept you as you are.

Not overnight. But they are there.

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. I know how you detest weakness, but sometimes it takes strength to approach yourself in a nurturing way, the way you would a precious child.

*Hugs*.

Be nice to Edge. You deserve it.

Quote from: agfrommd on June 11, 2012, 11:05:20 AM
It makes you a human being

I understand that you are trying to mean well, but this is exactly what I am talking about.

Quote from: Edge on June 11, 2012, 07:14:54 PM
I understand that you are trying to mean well, but this is exactly what I am talking about.

That is awfully cryptic. Which is the issue, that you do not feel comfortable with what people want you to be, but that you are happy being who you feel you are inside and that nobody accepts who that is? Or do you just not want to be human?

It sounds like the problem is not you, but those around you. It may not be simple enough to change the people who are around you. My advice instead is find one person who supports you, change who you are, and let those causing you grief drift away from you. If you depend upon them, it may be near impossible, however.

Quote from: Sera on June 11, 2012, 08:15:00 PM
that nobody accepts who that is?

That one.
People can't change what they are no matter they want, btw, and that includes myself. I know for a fact that part wasn't cryptic.

I am not supposed to exist, but I do.

However, your reality is you do exist.  And from who's perspective is your existence supposition?

A kind of polymorph.

Quote from: Edge on June 12, 2012, 04:04:45 PM
A kind of polymorph.

I understand and accept that. In fact, I find it kind of neat.

However, cogito ergo sum does not only apply to humans.

Because you are a sentient, feeling, loving being, I value you more than, say, a rock or an earthworm.  (And as an earth scientist, I really, really value rocks!)

You have a right to exist and to express yourself - and to be yourself!

Quote from: Jamie D on June 12, 2012, 04:57:18 PM
(And as an earth scientist, I really, really value rocks!)

You're a scientist? Cool! I'm going to be one. My area of interest is brains though. Genetics too, but I can only pick one.
Thanks for the support.