Ok, so I consider myself a very blunt person. Not rude, but I don't snow coat much of anything. Is there a tactful way of correcting loved ones on their use of incorrect pronouns?  ???Something that will really "sink in"? I have pulled family members as well as friends aside and explained how hurtful this can be to my wife and that it is offensive and to please please please try to use the correct verbiage, and it's just never resolved. Im getting angry and frustrated. Is this going to last forever? Does anyone or everyone else have this issue? It's starting to really bother me on top of the pain it is causing my spouse. I am so defensive, and maybe it is just something that I am going to have to expect especially from family, seeing as they always knew her as "he". But then again, it's been a while now that she has been out and transitioned. I am at a loss here, if anyone can give me some insight, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I've found you have to be clear and blunt, even hurtful at times.  You have to make sure they know that they need to change.

I wish there was a politer way, but some people would take decades to learn if you let them.

My wife knows that using male pronouns hurts me. and she stll uses them. I honestly feel like she is ashamed to be associated with me. But I find that the people I work with can be more so. I've corrected so many times and only a handful have stopped using male pronouns. I don't even look like a guy anymore! today I just had to walk off the floor and outside to breathe because if I didn't I was probably going to lose it. I could look like Jessica Alba and these ignorant, insensitive... people would still call me 'He".

I honestly wanted to kick a guy in the groin because he told me "I shouldn't be so sensitive about my name!"
We pass each other now and not a word is said. I don't even call him anymore when I actually need his help.

I agree that you have to be blunt, and it's a shame that people can be so dense. There was a recent death in the family, and it has been worse than ever. My wife's family has been gathered at her Mother's house because of it and she has been faced with distant family that she feels she would have to explain things to because they don't know whats going on and also her immediate family in this time has been slipping up a lot with pronouns. I walk through the house correcting people as I hear it. I just don't think that they understand how HURTFUL it is. What if they were called something they didn't like? I think soon I will start calling THEM by the opposite pronoun. i.e. My wifes a**hole uncle who refuses to accept her as female should be referred to as "she" by me until he gets the hint.

Keaira,

I am so sorry that you have to go through that. Is there any way you can report this abuse? You shouldn't have to work in an environment where I am sure that any time someone addresses you, you cringe. I hate it for you. I personally have a problem with retaliation. I feel like if someone hurts me, I want to hurt them back right away and ten fold. It's a bad personality trait, but it's just the way I am. I know that is not the correct way to go about it, but if there is anyone like a superior that you can speak to about the work issue, I would do it. I consider every time that my wife is called "he" that it is a slur. And it's not to be tolerated.

And from your wife...i know that must hurt. I am sorry that she can't see how deeply that burns.   

It sucks. But people are gonna say what they say and think what they think. If they knew her before, it's not gonna change. I know when I saw my ex boyfriend(now girlfriend) I still called her by her boy name. My girlfriend constantly does it, but seeing as the two of them never see each other. I let it pass, I am not gonna argue with my future wife over pronouns about a mutual friend at this point.

After being reminded on many occasions and often being direct and blunt you kind of have to assume they aint goin to. The passive aggressive ones will likely continue using the wrong pronouns as a way to express their hostility towards her. The plain ole aggressive ones will let you know bluntly that they are never going to, usually followed by what they really think of it.

I think it will help that after the funeral and mourning is over, we will be speaking only to a few family members in her family, as well as in mine. My family lives 9 hours north, so we will hardly ever see them. Also, we are moving about 8 hours south so we will have a chance to make new friends and start fresh. I am so tired of seeing my wife in pain over someone else's ignorance.

You have to give them time to adjust. It takes some people longer than others. After a while they will get use to it. For now just keep correcting them each time.

Quote from: JenJen2011 on May 24, 2012, 08:03:08 AM
You have to give them time to adjust. It takes some people longer than others. After a while they will get use to it. For now just keep correcting them each time.

I found that a lot of people don't like to be corrected on that, politely or not. It seemed to make them more hostile towards the idea of changing pronouns. So I just started walking away if they started using the incorrect pronouns. It seemed more effective without having to say anything over time.

Jaime,

That's a pretty good idea. Seeing as correcting people is not working as well as I thought it would, and its been almost a year now since full transition. If I put myself in the position of speaking to someone and then they walk away, I would wonder what I did and think about it more. Maybe I will just stop and walk away the next time.

Quote from: KollaredKittie on May 24, 2012, 08:55:56 AM
Jaime,

That's a pretty good idea. Seeing as correcting people is not working as well as I thought it would, and its been almost a year now since full transition. If I put myself in the position of speaking to someone and then they walk away, I would wonder what I did and think about it more. Maybe I will just stop and walk away the next time.

Just keep in mind that it also may cause some of them to basically remove themselves from your life, but hey, the way I figure it, its likely going to happen sooner or later with those anyway. The ones that actually care how you feel should eventually come around.

Jaime,

That is so true! I can be so over protective, and its useless when it's a lost cause. I need to learn to pick my battles with this because it does nothing but cause us both grief. Some family members, the ones who love and support us, are really trying. I know they are trying, because if the wrong pronoun slips, they go "oops!, I'm so sorry" and then correct themselves. I shouldn't waste my time on stubborn jerks who won't even put forth the effort. If they aren't, why should we? Thank you so much for your input.

Hello,
The pronoun issue can be a complicated one. My partner and I frankly don't care what people say, and don't expect people to use the "correct" prounoun. Think about it in other situations: would you be mad that someone didn't call you the correct racial label? Wouldn't it be better to just have no label at all? We also don't think it's realistic to expect family to change. If they have known a person since childhood as one sex, it can be hard to make that change. If they can do it easily, great, if they struggle, don't hassle them about it. They're (probably) not doing it to hurt anyone.

One major difference to add: this is not like racial slurs, because the person is (again, probably) not saying it to hurt anyone. If they are, the fact that they used the wrong pronoun is a lot less troubling than their motivation.

Alternatively, you can always recommend non-gendered pronouns such as "Hu" as an alternatively. Overall, being upset about what pronouns people use or don't use to describe you or your partner just gives an awful lot of power to other people that they don't deserve or need. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but it's easier to pick your battles, and if we had to choose between him using Men's restroom and being called an occasional "ma'am," we'd take the restroom any day.
Joe

I don't know if there's any good way of doing this. I found that some people in my family would resist it very hard. One family member even suggested we'd using a mash-up of my former and new name when referring to me to ease the change for them, and this was after I had had ffs and had been full-time more than year!

Some will be very quick to start using the new and new pronouns, and some of them again will actually be able to do it without it sounding contrived. My grandmother who was 81 at the time did best of all and never ever slipped up and got it wrong. Others would eventually getting it right after a long time, but after all the time resisting the change it makes me feel like it's a token gesture on their part when they use proper pronouns. It makes me feel like they don't see me as female but merely humor me to be nice. I hate that!

I have found that a lot, if not most, just don't get what transition is all about. It seems they almost think it's a dress-up game on my part and that I just want them to play along by addressing me with female pronouns. People would say the wrong thing and I would get upset, then other would comfort me by telling me how difficult it can be to remember to get it right every time and that given more time they will get so good at it they won't screw it up ever again. What they are really saying is that they still see me as a guy but will make an effort to humor me. Not only that but they also think this what is what I want. People suck.

I don't see the complication with the pronouns - it's simple: if you respect someone, you refer to them in a way that they want to be referred.

If someone doesn't care about the pronouns, or wants a gender neutral one, that's fine - and that should be taken into consideration when talking to and about them.  But if they want to be seen as (for example) a woman, including using proper woman pronouns, that's what shoould happen - anything less is disrespectful.  It's not about feeling that being a man would be an insult, but rather just wanting people to accept you for who you are.

There are a lot of non-slur racial terms that were created by outsiders, that, thus, are seen as offensive by the people they refer to (since they ignored what the people themselves called themselves, and thus disrespected them).  Pronouns are similar: if you have respect for someone, you'll learn to talk about and to them with words that they appreciate.

This was originally my post and soooo much has changed since then... We moved to Florida, away from family and friends therefore we have way less problems. It's been nice to not have to worry about pronouns all the time. My wife has had no problems at work or when we are out. Moving to a new state and starting over can really do a lot for a couple like us. lol! Thank you again to all of you for your input and help!