I have been trying to post this over a week now.  Starting, stopping, typing, then deleting.  Not knowing what to say or how to introduce myself with a modicum of tack and without going into a big sob story rant.

My story is not unlike most that I have read in the interweb-verse.  My time to this point in life has not been a blast.  Sure there have been good times, life does not completely suck, but as more time passes things seem to be slipping away.  I have the pre-requisite depression.  After an incident a few years ago a counselor pretty much determined that I have been suffering with depression since puberty.  I have to admit that I am not an easy person to be around.  Whenever I meet new people and start to develop a friendship I will inevitably pull them aside and tell them that I am a hard person to know and being around my mood swings is not pretty.

On of my biggest issues, in my eyes anyway, is the fact that I do not know how to perceive myself.  Here is what I mean:  When you look into a mirror, what do you see?  You may like your reflection or loathe that image.  For me I don't know what I see.  Throughout my everyday travels it seems like I am floating above myself, watching my very own Truman Show, from a seat in the balcony.  What that has to do with TGness, I don't know, but it could be a symptom.

So, how did I end up here?  Like I said my story mirrors may of your own.  Tiptoeing into my mothers room to steal a pair of pantyhose...yadda, yadda, yadda...I became a cross dresser.  My first...um...incident of manhood took place in a pair of navy blue pantyhose.  I would often take rain checks on gatherings with friends because I knew they would be out and that gave me an evening to dress in private.  In college, the booze got a hold of me and I drank myself into oblivion with fear of meeting a girl and having he discover my little peccadillo.  Once out of college I lost touch with most of my friends through avoidance because of what was swirling around in my head.  The couple that I do still have are blissfully in the dark.

So what changed?  Hell if I know!  I have always read various CD and TG forums because CDing was my hobby and who doesn't keep up with what's new.  I happened on a couple blogs and their life stories hit a little to close to home.  As in that could be me, word for word.  ...and I got scared.  I found myself going from reading the cross dressing tale and pictures to immersing myself in the transgender postings.  There was a crack of thunder as I realized what has been going on all these years...and I don't know how to proceed next.

I am absolutely terrified of what will happen next.  Am I to old (37), am I to muscular (college soccer player), and I too tall (6'1"), am I to fat now (maybe I will keep this one to myself), am I to poor (our of work for...god...three years now).

I have seen some amazing pictures in the MTF Before and After thread.  And I have grown to admire Vanna's beauty and intellect, Tazia absolute adorableness, Cadence's ocean blue eyes, and Natalie's expressive face.  If that were what the crystal ball would show I would jump in with both feet.

Who do I call on for mentorship?
What do I do with this enlightenment?
When do I start?
Where do I go from here?
Why, Why, Why?

I am absolutely terrified of what will happen next.  Am I to old (37), am I to muscular (college soccer player), and I too tall (6'1"), am I to fat now (maybe I will keep this one to myself), am I to poor (our of work for...god...three years now).

Scary - what we are.  Let me see if I can help a little.  We aren't therapists but many of us have a lot of experience.

I am age 65 and was diagnosed at age 61.  I chose to transition.  I have been living as my true self for about 3 years, and it is coming down to my having my SRS in three days.  So it is possible to find a way to be happy.  Did I mentioned I am 6'-2" tall?  I weighed 236 when I started.  I have no trouble being seen as the woman I am, mainly because of HRT, weight loss and tapping into my true self.

You start by finding and seeing a gender dysphoria trained therapist.

Lizzy

Am I to old (37)
No I started at 54.  I am now 58

am I to muscular (college soccer player)
No.  HRT will take some of the muscle mass away

am I too tall (6'1")
No.  There are super models taller

am I to fat now (maybe I will keep this one to myself)
Again HRT will help with that.  You may get lucky and it move to the boobs and the hips/butt

am I to poor (our of work for...god...three years now).
It is hard, but it can be done.  Work is hard to get right now, but keep looking.

Thank you for your words.  Those reply's were not unexpected.  I have seen my same questions answered a hundred times in the past to know the answers I would receive.  That said, that they were for me seems to give them more residence in my head. 

I have made cautious attempts to reach out to professionals near me.  About the best way I can describe the physical feelings is it is like the first time you though about asking someone out for the very first time.  The emotions swirling around in my brain were thoughts of rejection to be followed by "well what if i am accepted".  Those same butterfly's doing loop-d-loops in my belly. 

I have an email out to a leader in my transgender community.  This, however, has given me a fear to open my email in case there is a reply.  You see I am not one to take chances.  I am a careful person.  I over think any question with more then one answer.  I analyze both sides and allow logic to pick my best answer.  This one, in a cultural sense, should have a clear cut answer.  But, I find myself taking the opposite argument of logic.  I have allowed my self to envision what this future may look like.  It is a book of nice pictures, but I have to find the strength to make that happen.

This post seems to have taken a scatter brained life of its own.  There are millions of ideas running around in my head of a possible future that thoughts of my once inevitable future have taken a back seat. 

Ok, that is enough for now.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on June 24, 2012, 06:56:28 PM
Am I to old (37)
No I started at 54.  I am now 58

am I to muscular (college soccer player)
No.  HRT will take some of the muscle mass away

am I too tall (6'1")
No.  There are super models taller

am I to fat now (maybe I will keep this one to myself)
Again HRT will help with that.  You may get lucky and it move to the boobs and the hips/butt

am I to poor (our of work for...god...three years now).
It is hard, but it can be done.  Work is hard to get right now, but keep looking.

I tried twice and stopped in my 20's for most of those reasons and more. Burying myself in a career that was really a hobby paid well. No satisfaction since I was a giant phoney inside.

Tall - 6ft even
Weight - 250 lbs now 145
Frog hands, super extra large feet, barrel chest, deep voice, bald, stuttered, and I can go on and on. Yet I somehow pass scaringly easy. I chalk it up to gaining self-confidence after gaining a lot of self esteem.

Oh yes, I'll be 56 next week

You just hit on a subject that I did not include in my first post.  Finding that feeling of joy.  I know that in Jerry West's autobiography that he goes into deep details on how he never enjoyed any of his accomplishments in the NBA as a played because of his depression issues.  When his team won their championships he stayed in the background because he could not muster up any joy in his winning.  Truly sad, being one of the best in the world and not being able to enjoy it.

I know there is a component of depression in my revelations here, I have had it a long time.  I have read so many uplifting stories of the world opening up once transition starts than I am hopeful that I will be graced by those same beams of light.

For good or bad (we shall see, right) I have started to envision how my life will have changed in the future and I like where my imagination is taking me.  Now lets just get reality to catch up.

I can honestly say now I've led a joyless and passionless life. I am soooooo envious of a couple of women in my TG group. I hope when I finally grow up I can be more like them. Sure I've had some up periods but nothing that really inspired tons of joy much less passion. It is hard to get excited about something when your life is a fake. Major buzz-kill

While I've known and researched about being a TS since the age of 12 or so; been on HRT in my late teens and early 20's, experimented at transitioning twice, I was always a loner. Kind of like AA I needed to hit bottom and seek out help. Bottom also included moving from just outside NYC with its myriad of resources to the hicks. The closest support of any kind I found was 90 miles away vs 3. But the TG group I found was a life changer for me. Totally changed my perspective on myself. By my second meeting I knew I needed to be there. A lot sure has changed these past 2 years