Greetings, all. I'm not really sure where to begin, so... I suppose I'll just dive right into it.

You can call me Calvin; I'm male-identified, male assigned at birth... and don't identify with my penis.

I've done a lot of soul-searching, and I know that I'm not MtF-- I have no desire to be physically and socially female, and would never want to medically transition. However... I often find myself wishing either that I could get SRS, or that I'd been born physically female and had FtM top surgery. My ideal physique is decidedly male, with one exception: genitally. That said... I have no idea what I am. MTFTM? MT(FTM)? I know labels aren't the be-all and end-all, but... it feels like I'm the only person who has this problem, and as if there's no term or identity for me.

I identify as a heterosexual male, and have had romantic relationships with both transwomen and genetic women. I've never actually taken any of these relationships to a sexual level, however, much to the chagrin of at least one of my exes; I feel this hesitance on my part is due to my peculiar form of dysphoria.

On a non-trans* note, I'm a student currently attending university at UC Berkeley... well, not currently, as I'm not taking any summer classes. I'm into philosophy, psychology, and a whole world of geeky things, such as tabletop RPG's, video games, anime, manga-- the usual suspects, when it comes to things geeky. I'm also quite into creative writing, when I can find the time, and have a predilection for fountain pens.

Hi Calvin,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. You have a predilection to fountain pens. That proves you are OK.

I have adored them since school and constantly write with one. My son bought me one of the best I've ever written with, and it's such a joy to write letters to him.

But getting back to yourself, I really don't see anything to worry about. If you ascribe to the GID theory; it comes in so many shapes, sizes, dimensions and weights, how you've described yourself is quite natural. Just enjoy yourself, for who you are, and celebrate the fact you are open enough to yourself to admit it.

There are some members here who will identify immediately with you. There is also a mountain of information and resources here for you to deepen your self discoveries. So join in.

Hope to hear more of you in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Thanks for the warm welcome, Catherine. ^^
Incidentally, my favorite pen is a black, aerometric Parker 51-- it's my only vintage one, and it actually outperforms the ones I've bought new.

Joining this community is a big step for me, though that might seem silly. I do live in a liberal area of the US, and have plenty of friends who are LGBTQ, but I've shied away from attending trans* support groups because I was afraid people wouldn't take me seriously... I'm also not the most extroverted person in the world, so an online community is a more accessible one for me, in that respect.

Indeed a pleasure Calvin,

My work horse is an an el cheapo Lamy with a broad italic nib. I've had about 10 since school. I suspect people have borrowed with the intention of not returning it to see how they handled it.

But my piece de resistance is a Parker Frontier, again with a broad italic.

The beauty about this community, is there is no right way or wrong way to discover yourself. There is no manual, and if someone has a problem with what you are doing. It's exactly that. THEIR problem. They have to find the solution.

What you are doing through an on line community is great. You are building your self confidence and esteem. Nothing wrong with that. There is no timeframe, sequence, order or particular way in which to do things. Whatever you are comfortable with is good. If you remain open and honest with yourself, nothing can go wrong.

Enjoy your writing. Hope to chat some more.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Hey there, Calvin, and greetings from SoCal.

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Hi Calvin,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7379  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.


Janet 

Hi Calvin, it's nice to meet you! I prefer the pen on a chain at the bank. It turns out that stealing those is a federal offense. No matter, being in prison gives me plenty of time to post here! Just kidding! Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks for welcoming me! The warm thoughts and humor are much appreciated. ^^