To be frank: I'm male-identified, male assigned at birth... and don't identify with my penis.
I've done a lot of soul-searching, and I know that I'm not MtF-- I have no desire to be physically and socially female, and would never want to medically transition. However... I often find myself wishing either that I could get SRS, or that I'd been born physically female and had FtM therapy-- testosterone and top surgery, specifically. My ideal physique is decidedly male, with one exception: genitally. That said... I have no idea what I am. MTFTM? MT(FTM)? I know labels aren't the be-all and end-all, but... it feels like I'm the only person who has this problem, and as if there's no term or identity for me.
I identify as a heterosexual male, and have had romantic relationships with both transwomen and genetic women. I've never actually taken any of these relationships to a sexual level, however, much to the chagrin of at least one of my exes; I feel this hesitance on my part is due to my peculiar form of dysphoria. I feel like if I were using a prosthetic penis rather than the equipment attached to me, I wouldn't have any problems with that, and it would actually more feel natural and right to me.
It's kind of a jumbled mix of feelings, with regard to the penis itself. I'm okay with using it to masturbate, though there is a caveat to that. When it comes down to it, I just don't like the idea of using it in a sexual contact with another person present.
The caveat to using it asexually is... I have to imagine I don't have it, paradoxical as that is. The only way I can find relief is to imagine myself as a man with a vagina. The penis usually becomes some form of prosthetic in these imaginings-- often a feeldoe or other double-ended toy, so it makes sense that I'm having sensations, etc...
I guess to me, my identity feels kind of ridiculous... as if it's so out there that no girl would ever actually accept it.
It seems like feeling and identifying this way will only lead people to think I'm a MtF butch lesbian or such, which I'm just not. :/
As I alluded to earlier, although I would never transition, because I don't identify as female, I'd jump at the chance for SRS.
And I know labels become useless after a point, but if I did have the body I envision, my identity as a heterosexual male does seem like it might not hold anymore... since I'm pretty sure I would actually want some level of attention given to my vulva and vagina, up to and including getting penetrated. The thing is, currently, I have no desire to receive anally, and I doubt I'd want to in either case. So far, in whatever sensual dealings I've had (largely in the form of roleplaying/cybersex), I've only felt comfortable as the dominant, usuallly penetrative, partner.
I get to wondering whether 'lesbian' labelled acts (ex. tribadism) would destroy a genetic girl or post-op transwoman's image of me as male, and the even more complicated case of having this anatomy and using it to interact with a pre/non-op transwoman. Would it make her dysphoric? If it didn't, would we both have to be doing mental gymnastics to make it work?
Are there others who feel the same way as I do? Who have a focused, solely genital dysphoria, and don't desire any other changes, physical or social?
