Well, just figured I'd give everyone an update........  I postponed my FFS, and also (gasp) my name and gender change. (judge was very kind with this)

I've had some freak out moments..... which are probably just fear, but whether it's fear or something else, I have to get over it before I go farther.  Obviously something is coming up for me.  Seeing my therapist twice as much now, so we'll see.

Just wanted to say hi since I haven't been around...  just kind of in my own world lately.

So that's the update.  Blah.

Hope all is well with everyone!

Whatever you do, I hope that you do it when you feel it's right. Having said that, I don't think it's such a good idea to let fear affect your decision making. I don't feel like doing that either, since I don't personally know you and wouldn't like to make you do things you'd probably regret later, but I feel that you're being overwhelmed by the situation you're entering into. Don't fear that. Fear is a mind killer. If it's something else, or related, it'll pop up sometime soon. I hope that you can work it out, then.

Take care, girl.
E

Well what are your fears, hon?

I was thinking of you this week when I hadnt seen you around, pre surgery jitters are common, and yours being such a huge life changing decision just compounds it all.

You know how to reach me, please feel free to talk if it helps!

Big hugs!!

Sometimes, very good things [VGT's] and very wonderful days [VWDs] can be powerful triggers. If you are someone like me who deals with panic or trauma issues, approaching a VGT or VWD can put your excitement level high enough to put you over the threshhold into full panic attack, even though it is a VGT! You may be overstimulated, and find that it is just your body responding to your positive feelings of excitement, even though it puts you into the same physiological state that you get from emerging flashbacks or traumatic memories. Knowing this in advance, we can work with our therapists on self-soothing exercises so that we can lower the excitement level enough to enjoy the wonderful transitions in our life.  Good luck Aubrey! It gets better. For me, it's sometimes enough just knowing that I am overstimulated but I don't have to let the traumatic feelings and memories intrude today, on this moment. <breathe>

Hi Hon,

As we know this isn't a race, sometimes we need to take a breather and have a rest. There is nothing wrong with that.
Just have a bit of  a rest and then move on.

Hugs

Cindy

fear leads to the dark side...come to the dark side...

Quote from: MadelineB on July 01, 2012, 02:39:51 AM
Sometimes, very good things [VGT's] and very wonderful days [VWDs] can be powerful triggers.

Oh that they sure can! Most to all of my WTF moments came on the heels of some absolutely positive experiences along my journey towards.... whatever    Much of that triggered by lifelong feelings of not deserving anything good in your life (for all the usual trans reasons). After I experienced such great joy being out as the real me I use to totally freak out. I DON'T DESERVE THIS! THIS IS NOT FOR ME! 

I can't even tell you specific fears, that's the wierd thing.  If I could say 'I'm worried about THIS", it would be easier.  Honestly, except for my own stuff, this transition has been pretty easy for me.  No problems with work, friends, or family, been blessed not to have to struggle financially through this, etc.

But I would get in these mind patterns that get awful.  Like changing my mind each minute.  "I can do this, no I can't, yes I can, I love my female self, I love my male self, I can be in the middle, I don't want either of them, did I leave the iron on?"

And after a while, I just stopped looking forward to going any further.  And I just don't think that's right.  Shouldn't I be at least a little excited?  Shouldn't I be looking forward to it at least a little bit? I mean, I was awfully excited about it at one point!

And it's not like I'm looking forward to continuing the male life (or, more correctly, the life I live "in between")

I do know that part of me feels like I have to start my life all over again, and I can't seem to comprehend that my life, outside of me, won't change.  Same job, same friends, same "status" if you will...... so why I have that feeling of loss, I have no idea.

But I know that it's ok to take time.  I just seriously have to look at if I'm doing this out of fear alone.  And if that's true, then I'll never do it.  I'll always find an excuse.  So I guess that's what I'm looking into.  I just want to find a warmer feeling towards this before I go and do things that can't be undone. (Like the face).

Thank you all as always for your support.  It really helps. 

Quote from: auburnAubrey on July 01, 2012, 07:06:59 AM
I do know that part of me feels like I have to start my life all over again, and I can't seem to comprehend that my life, outside of me, won't change.  Same job, same friends, same "status" if you will...... so why I have that feeling of loss, I have no idea.

I hear myself in your words dear!

I almost never trust statements containing always or never. That said, more than one wise person has said that every transitioning person has to go through a grieving process. Grief is its own ball of wax (or whacks!) and has its own time table.

Time spent to honor the person you were - and grieve for his or her passing - is time well spent. It can sneak up on us especially when the transition goes more smoothly than we expect; at least it did for me. You can even feel selfish finding yourself grieving when you are "so lucky", but it isn't selfish at all.

I'll pass on advice that was given to me--

You have been a marvelous person, and that man and his life and accomplishments should not pass into the realm of memory without at least a deeply felt "thank you" - for his heroic action in getting you safely to the threshold of your new life - and acknowledgement for what he sacrificed for you. All he was, and all he did, made it possible for you to be born.

More literal minded folks would say that grief accompanies any major life change and leave it at that, which works too. Either way, the process is real, and it hurts, and it is worth it.

Hugs!

Life is not easy. What is in the past is in the past. Just set goals, small ones you can do. Then one by one you will get to the big goal

Quote from: MadelineB on July 01, 2012, 08:17:47 AM
Time spent to honor the person you were - and grieve for his or her passing - is time well spent. It can sneak up on us especially when the transition goes more smoothly than we expect; at least it did for me. You can even feel selfish finding yourself grieving when you are "so lucky", but it isn't selfish at all.

I'll pass on advice that was given to me--

You have been a marvelous person, and that man and his life and accomplishments should not pass into the realm of memory without at least a deeply felt "thank you" - for his heroic action in getting you safely to the threshold of your new life - and acknowledgement for what he sacrificed for you. All he was, and all he did, made it possible for you to be born.

Wow.  That was pretty powerful.  I appreciate that, and I'm going to think about that for a while..... it may be where my fear lies.

Thanks!

Quote from: auburnAubrey on June 30, 2012, 07:38:43 PM
Just wanted to say hi since I haven't been around...

Hope all is well with everyone!

Hello ^_^ .

Quote from: MadelineB on July 01, 2012, 08:17:47 AM
more than one wise person has said that every transitioning person has to go through a grieving process. Grief is its own ball of wax (or whacks!) and has its own time table.

I don't remember going through a grieving process.  Just a relief process.

I really can't relate to any grieving process.  I was just glad to be alive for the first time since I could remember.  So it is difficult for me to relate to this.  I know it is pretty common for a lot of people.  I had 'no' as in absolutely no life prior to transition, my life had been on hold.  I wasn't even a person.  I was only an observer, watching other people have lives, watching time pass me by.

Someone recently told me that I can't forget my past.  But the joke is on her.  I had no past.  I didn't get married, have kids...  I didn't have a career that was a part of me.  I didn't have any social life.  I didn't date...  I wasn't alive.  So if you do have a past then you have more than I ever did.  And no doubt that comes with it's own set of difficulties including this grieving process I have been hearing about.

I hope you get it sorted out Aubrey.  I honestly can't relate and to be truthful I am sorta glad.  It made my decision to transition a lot easier.

As I go along my own path on this life change, I have been researching and have read some posts here at Susan's that say this:

That loss and fear for some people is the passing of one life and moving into another. You are mourning th eloss of your former self as you once were and are becoming someone new in a new life.

Quote from: MadelineB on July 01, 2012, 08:17:47 AM

Time spent to honor the person you were - and grieve for his or her passing - is time well spent. It can sneak up on us especially when the transition goes more smoothly than we expect; at least it did for me. You can even feel selfish finding yourself grieving when you are "so lucky", but it isn't selfish at all.

I'll pass on advice that was given to me--

You have been a marvelous person, and that man and his life and accomplishments should not pass into the realm of memory without at least a deeply felt "thank you" - for his heroic action in getting you safely to the threshold of your new life - and acknowledgement for what he sacrificed for you. All he was, and all he did, made it possible for you to be born.

More literal minded folks would say that grief accompanies any major life change and leave it at that, which works too. Either way, the process is real, and it hurts, and it is worth it.

Hugs!

The above could not have been better said!