Hi all,

I wanted to ask your advice.  I've been transitioning for about 18 months, on E and spiro for about 15.  I've had FFS, but no other surgeries.

I am pretty lucky that I pass quite well (my Avatar pic is not long after FFS so I look better than that now, but can't seem to capture it in a photo).  I get a lot of attention when I'm out and about, which is what I've always wanted, as most girls here have.  I've even been called 'Gorgeous' twice by two random people while walking around London.

Yet despite all of this, I can't seem to find happiness.  I know that this is the right path for me, of that there is no question.  But I don't seem to be able to shake that unhappy feeling that makes me want to cry ALL the time.  It could just be the hormones talking of course but it feels like more than that.  I still look in the mirror and hate what I see, I'm paranoid that I'm the traditional inverted V; and I am.  And I know I should be happy with all the compliments I get, but I'm afraid that this is as good as I'm EVER going to look, and that it's just not good enough for my stupid head.

Damn I didn't want to be another one of those girls on here crying 'help me'.  But what do you know, I'm the same as everyone else!

Thanks girls, you're a truly wonderful bunch.

Siobhan xx.

Hi Siobhan (I've always really liked that name by the way),

Most people I know - whether cis or trans - are unhappy with their body, aside from a lucky few. I've been on hrt for nearly three years, have lost a ton of weight, and I'm still not all that happy with what I see in the mirror, so I try to focus on other things. If you're not happy with what you see in the mirror today, especially after 15 months of hrt and FFS, I don't think you're going to be much happier with what you see in the mirror 1 year from now - it will NEVER be good enough (at least not in your own mind). Bone structure doesn't change after all.

Let me ask you - are you happier now than when you started transitioning? Can you imagine how things would be 10 years from now if you hadn't halted the masculinization that comes with age? People are complimenting you on how beautiful you are, but I'm willing to bet that if you're anything like me you don't believe them, do you? When somebody compliments me, I try to find as many ways as I can to invalidate the compliment: "Oh he just likes trans people", "Oh his past drug use has addled his brain and he can't see me as normal people see me", "Oh he's just trying to get me in bed", "Oh they just wear glasses." It's terrible thinking isn't it?

Bottom line though, is you ARE getting complimented. You ARE getting what you want. It's time now to focus on things other than the mirror (and camera). It's far too easy to become mentally bogged down in obsession over one's own appearance, especially as a trans person. But the time must come when you should just start living your life away from the whole body-focus thing. Focus on your hobbies. Take up a new hobby. Find more self esteem BEYOND your physicality.

Keep in mind, you're not done transitioning, physically or mentally/emotionally. There will still likely be changes and those can take years, not months.  It took me around 5 years before I felt I was anything but butt ugly, a couple more to come to the conclusion that I'm not so ugly and nowadays I'm happy enough at so-so most days.  But then I lacked a real support network in my life for much of it.

Your mind and your body has to adjust to everything and as its adjusting, there's more change to adjust to, so yeah, its a lot for your emotions to deal with. It does get better though, that's pretty much for sure. It just takes longer than some would like to think it does.

I think a lot of us have issues with appearance. As others have said you're still changing, but spending too much time at the mirror won't help. You'll just make yourself sad. I got rid of my mirrors for this reason.
Btw, love the name 

We are our own worst enemies a lot of the time.  A couple of weeks ago one of my friends said she was thinking of getting Botox injections for her wrinkles.  Her girlfriend and I had to tell her that we were having trouble seeing them.  I asked her what she thought of my beard shadow. She said she couldn't see any, and my reply was, "my point exactly."

I am 6'2" in the old money, with broad shoulders but have no problem being accepted as a woman 99.9% of the time, a confident attitude and a smile can work wonders. 
I know that sounds impossible when you are feeling low, but I started by just acting like a confident person, even though I was not.  Eventually it became a habit.
Getting rid of the mirrors is a good move.  I refuse to look in them except to do specific things.
I have a fairly deep voice but find that if I keep the volume down it just sounds husky, which hopefully sounds sexy too.    

Personally I think you look pretty good, so can understand the compliments.  Just accept them like a lady and move on.  Unless you fancy them of course.

Karen.

There are so many paths to confidence and all girls, especially girls have problems with their appearance. Some of the most gorgeous movie stars and models make comments of their body shape, and name any bit some one will not like it.

But confidence in your self is key.

This might sound silly but try it.  For a couple of days walk around with a smile on your face and humming a happy tune. Smile at people. See how you feel. Then try a few days of being glum. See how you feel. I think you will find that your spirit and self acceptance will rise by 'creating' a happy outlook. Then you will grow into it as the happy endorphins kick in.

BTW you look great. So remember the rules, smile, push the girls out, walk with confidence and enjoy being you.

Hugs.

Cindy

I've never been one who could accept compliments about my appearance.  I always feel embarrassed initially and then immediately doubt that the sentiment is genuine, like as if it's meant as a tease.  When people say "cute" I hear and feel "cutesy" and recoil.  I guess I could never accept that the elements I was always teased for growing up would now make me an attractive male, especially now that I see those features as female.  I can't say for sure if I'll ever get past that during or after transition.  It will probably be with me always as a part of my excessively humble character.  Mental practice is likely to be the only thing that helps with this, independent of anything other people have to say.  In my case, the more I realise just how androgynous I already am starting out and that I like it, the closer I move towards the target without really doing anything.

One of the most damaging things to me in my life is that the vast majority of people interpret my shyness and humbleness as lack of self-confidence.  It is incredibly important to remember that if you give off any of those cues that people are going to leap all over it.  I accept that a certain amount of acting will be required to polish off my 'public face' so that people will look up to me instead of down and respond appropriately.

From what I can see you look really good and I hope you can believe that within yourself.  I can only dream of getting compliments from strangers viewing me as female.  Maybe one day soon...

Dear Violet Bloom,

We are what we are and we build ourselves from the inside out. I was so shy i couldn't make a phone call. I was totally fazed when I started work and people would phone up people for  quotes. How the hell could they do that? I was so shy I would walk into a shop, usually after a few weeks of studying it and the people and then buy of the shelf for anything. Not clothes, just stuff, a chair, a TV anything. I was so shy I could not cope. Being TG was of course a really big advantage (sarcastic) . I couldn't think of a way to buy clothes or anything, I was totally humiliated sitting in the car outside a shopping mall by my self. Going into a shop and buying stuff?? Trying it on?

Now of course I have no problems.

Why? It wasn't easy but accepting yourself is the first step. Can you live being you? The real you? What would it mean?

Fear is an emotion that ties us down. OK we have to be careful. But what life do you want to live?

I suggest you should live your life as a happy, normal woman.

What is stopping you beyond fear?

Fear is the easy one.

Accepting your self is the hard one.

But once done the rest fade away.

Hugs

Cindy

1) Your avatar shows you to look like a genetic woman. That's not something I can say about every trans woman. You look great.

2) The inverted triangle body shape is the typical body shape of catwalk models. You know how many women would KILL for that?  Strut your stuff down the high street with confidence!

3) Did I say you look great?

Wow thanks for all the lovely responses everyone!

Thanks for all the compliments.  I'm trying to be happy with what I have and to stop looking and the goregeous girls with the hourglass figures and getting depressed.

I'm hoping once I have my BA I'll start to feel more genuine, and less like a cheap imposter.  It should be in the next few weeks as I'll be paying privately.

Thanks again everyone, as I said before you're a lovely bunch.

Take care.

Siobhan xx.

I think all of us are unhappy when we look in the mirror, but that is part of the drive that moves us toward self-improvement....

The key is to keep it all in perspective--who you are vs. what you are, and what you appear to be.

Be at peace knowing that the you before the mirror is the best "you" there can be!

Siobhan,
Looking at gorgeous girls with hourglass figures and getting depressed is what most women experience at some stage in their lives, so why should you be any different? Learning how to cope with it and getting on with life and enjoying it is the real trick.

Try looking at women in the street who don't look that good (and there are plenty of them out there) and consider how they must feel when they look at you looking slim, elegant and gorgeous, in your killer heels. You have received the compliments, you said so yourself, so enjoy them.

As for getting good photos! I often despair at trying to capture that attractive image I sometimes see in the mirror. For a start we're looking at a mirror image and nobody has an asymmetrical face. So, try uploading the photos into your computer and flopping them so you see a mirror image.

The other thing is good lighting and getting someone to take a lot of photos of you one after the other rather than you holding an iPhone at arm's length with your head tilted slightly backwards. Discard the crap ones and keep the good ones. Your avatar photo has been taken in terrible lighting conditions but still your feminine beauty shines through. You have an advantage many can only dream of.

I remember being at a party years ago where the host (who was a bit weird anyway) always had a movie camera set up on a tripod to film his guests. It was just left to do its thing. I hated it and always slunk around in the shadows to avoid being filmed.

When the tape ran out (yes it was that long ago) he would get everyone to gather around to watch the movie  I sat there hoping I had somehow avoided the camera's lens.

Usually, there I was in the shadows looking as awkward as I felt. It was the thought of being filmed. However, on one occasion I had arrived at the party a little late and had actually forgotten he would have the camera going. Towards the end of the evening (2am), we sat and watched the movie and there were my friends all having a wonderful time. Then I was aware of this quite attractive blonde off to the left with her back to the camera talking and having fun. She was so feminine, all her gestures were perfect, she looked gorgeous in profile and I said to my best friend: "Who's that?"

Her reply shocked me. She said: "It's you, you idiot!" I watched in stunned silence as this girl moved around the room with such feminine grace, talking to people and enjoying herself. She turned toward the camera... and it was me, i couldn't believe it. I was seeing me as perhaps others saw me. My friend, whom I had always been envious of, said: "Now, do you see I have been telling you the truth, you're gorgeous."

I sometimes wonder where those tapes are now! (Note to self: Must check YouTube) 

Recently, my cousin and I were sifting through some of her old photos from years ago when we happened across some photos she and her husband had taken of me during a visit in the 1990s. I had never seen these photos before. Even I thought I looked stunning, but I can assure you that at the time they were taken I know I was full of insecurities and self-doubt and tried to avoid looking in mirrors.

Now, as I write this I think yes, I was gorgeous then, but look at me now!  WILL I EVER LEARN??? 

So you're not alone, Siobhan! Most of us have experienced what you are going through at same stage in our transition. Sadly, some of us will always feel this way.

You look fantastic, girl, enjoy it. If you don't, 10 years from now you'll look back at photos taken now and think: "Wow, I was gorgeous then, how come I couldn't see it?"

Stay sweet

Caroline
x

@Cindy:

I really appreciate hearing your story of shyness because I was very much like you myself.  Sometimes I still over-think certain situations.  I improved by forcing myself through many things until I handled them better, especially because I realised that everything I wanted the most in my life always caused me the most discomfort.  I also eventually learned to separate real mental anxiety from some of the physical manifestations.  It turned out I wasn't actually scared of everything and everyone - I have high nerves completely independent of any emotions or anxiety.  True anxiety is hard because it is another step above this baseline.  This revelation dramatically improved my day-to-day attitude.  I may still feel like crap a lot but at least I know I'm not afraid nearly as much as I believed.  I dream that eventually the biological and emotional changes of transition can bring me the remainder of that peace which others have managed to achieve.