Hello there folks,
I am new to the forum, so I apologize if I break some forum posting etiquette.
You can call me Dobbs. I'm a 24 year old, pre-op, pre-hormone therapy FTM. And I'm here because I could use a little support right now, and because I would be more than happy to return the favor to everyone here.
But I guess I will start by getting these things off my chest. I'm not sure if there's going to be a request for advice somewhere in here... or what have you. But I just really feel like I need to put this out there somewhere, and this place seems safe.
I happen to be gay, and I am currently romantically involved. This relationship has, so far, been long-distance. Meaning: we haven't actually been in each other's physical presence yet. He was born physically male and identifies male, and he is gay. He knows I am transgender, and that I am pre- ... everything. He loves me, regardless of what I refer to as my birth defects. He has also pledged to stay with me and that he will love me no matter what - whether or not I am able to complete all the aspects of my physical transition which I am planning on. And I feel very blessed for all this. My partner is wonderful to me. But I still have worries - and I'm sure I'm not the only one in a situation like this who has these kinds of worries. I worry that when things work out such that we can finally get to spend the time together we have been planning (which is made difficult because of my job, his schoolwork, the fact that I don't drive, and the fact that his vehicle is currently uninsured), and when eventually we make our way to the bedroom, so to speak, the way my body is right now will make more of a difference to him than he thinks it will. Also, I am worried because I've never been intimate with a cis-male before... my only previous serious relationship having been with another pre-transition FTM. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me... And I also know from experience that for me, at least, physical attraction is preceded by and mostly founded on a deeper connection. ("Eye-candy" being an entirely different matter altogether.) Still I can't help but worry. And I have told him I worry. And like the wonderful man he is, he always reassures me. But I guess these fears will never be completely quelled until that fateful day.
Also, today I got a call from one of my aunts, asking for my mailing address so that she could send me an invitation to my cousin's wedding reception. My cousin is already married, but she lives out of state and is coming back for a visit, and her parents are apparently throwing her and her husband a wedding reception. Well, of my entire extended family, only one cousin is on-board with my gender-identity. The entire rest of my family calls me by my given name (which I haven't yet been able to legally change, and several have used that as a stipulation to calling me anything other than my given name) and I have never exactly openly announced to them that I am transgender. It has simply never been appropriate, as the only time I ever saw any of them was at family get-togethers which were always held because of some cousin's graduation or a funeral or some occasion that was decidedly NOT about me. So I decided it would be in poor taste to try to get it out in the open so to speak. Well, here comes another of these functions. And my aunt specifically asked me if I was seeing anyone, because she was making a point to tell me I was also invited to bring a "guest." Now, going in the first place is a sticky business, because my family makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. I mentioned this to my partner, and he said he would be happy to go with me, if we could work out how we'd get there and such. And the way he sounded, it kind of seemed like he *wants* to go with me. (Melt my heart! He *wants* to meet my family! Even though I warned him that they all insist on calling me by my given name and continue to use female pronouns.) This function isn't for a couple weeks, so I have time to figure out what to do. But right now I am torn. Part of me desperately wants to show up with my partner, dressed to the nines, and show him off to them gladly. Another part of me is screaming to make up SOME excuse to stay faaar away from them all.
And, I am, technically speaking, out at my workplace. My chosen name is on my name tag, and on the schedule. And during orientation I explained to the manager that I am transgender and as such male pronouns would be most appropriate for me. But only two of my coworkers respect this, and use male pronouns. And I apparently do not pass, because the customers all seem to think I am female. It does not help that my coworkers say "she can help you at the other register." (I work at a convenience store.) Unfortunately, I am not really in a position to correct the customers, and as far as my coworkers go, I just refuse to be aggressive about the issue. I have tried, in the past, to assert my gender identity more aggressively than I have been in the three months I've worked there, and it only served to alienate people. So I am at a loss right now for what to do. I am considering finding time to talk with each of my coworkers individually and explain that I am uncomfortable with the female pronouns, and then hope from there that customers will catch on. Restrooms aren't an issue, since ours are single-stall and I simply use the mens by default, or the women's if the men's is occupied (like any other male employee). Because I am full-time, and because I have been with the company for almost the 13 weeks it takes for health coverage to kick in, I may very soon be able to get my physical transition underway. This will probably help matters quite a bit. So, I am somewhat biding my time until this starts, and hoping that will make it all easier. Though I'm not sure how to handle this. I am blessed enough to be living in a city that is particularly diverse, and probably the most GLBTQ-friendly place in the state. But that doesn't mean it's going to be easy as pie. *sigh*
Not passing is probably the reason for my lack of confidence in my ability to stand up for myself with regard to this workplace dilemma. Despite my best efforts, I simply do not pass. I *think* a lot of this has to do with my voice being as high as it is. Also, I am a rather swishy little femboi. It used to bother me that I wasn't more of a macho kind of dude. I used to feel as if this invalidated my transgenderedness, so to speak. I can thank my father for that, as he spent quite a bit of time during any conversations we had on the subject pointing out how I don't "act" like a guy, and citing that as a reason he refuses to believe that, whether or not it is truly possible for one's gender and one's birth sex to be different, mine are. But I have come to embrace who I am, and love myself as I am and as I will be, as I continue to grow and become more myself throughout my life. It was just as harmful to my mind, heart, and soul to pretend to be more macho than I am, as it was to pretend to assume a female identity. Now, this is all fine and well for the condition of my soul... but it doesn't exactly help me pass.
So, all-in-all, I love who I am, and I have worked hard and done lots of soul-searching just like everyone else here, to get to this point. And I'm just getting so tired of having to explain myself or being made to feel like I should make some sort of excuse for myself. I have been open about my gender identity for over four years. I'm over it. It's time for the other people in my life to get over it, too. (Co-workers get a break, since they've only known me for 3 months... but that's not the point.)
*sigh*
Okay... well... I hope someone reads this and can give me some feedback on some of what I needed to vent here. And, please keep in mind that much of this comes from a place of frustration, and that I do understand patience is a virtue (and by virtue I mean skill) and that things can't be rushed or forced.
That's it for now. (As if it weren't enough?? XD)
-Dobbs
