A lot of this has been scattered about through other forum topics so I'm hoping to bring it all together under one 'roof'.  Please feel free to repeat yourselves if you've spoken before.  I'm not going to lead off with any specific examples because I would like your responses to be completely unprompted.

I'd like to get a general understanding from the MTFs primarily, although everyone elses' input is certainly valuable, what exactly were the mental and/or physical symptoms of your GID before you started treatment.  Were there any other things you experienced that didn't seem to be directly related which improved during HRT?  What were you certain of and what surprised you?  What problems did you have interacting with and relating to your peers and how did this change?  What revelations or 'lightbulb moments' did you experience and when?

I'm trying to develop realistic expectations and figure out what should be part of the discussion when I get a therapist.

 Given that I was very well-studied, I had looked into everything and expecting everything. One thing that I did not expect was, perhaps, the extent of what would happen...

For about ten months I was positively giddy most of the time, and I became much better at socializing - my confidence and self-esteem, as a result, improved dramatically. I expected to be happier, or calmer - I hoped merely to feel. But I got more than I expected, and I am grateful for the experience.

I believe what you've experienced is my primary goal.  It is wonderful to know there's a good chance I can get my life not only back to normal, but better.

I see that a lot of people have viewed this thread but still no other responses.  Certainly there are more of you with stories to share.  I'm greatful for anything you guys have to add.

I think there is a lot more than asking how hormones changed things. The changes, as I see them begin with an acceptance of your self, discussion with therapists, commitment to what you wish to do and then decisions on hormonal and then surgical treatment.

The order of these changes will vary from person to person of course.

I personally think that acceptance of yourself is a primary goal that the rest build on that acceptance.

The light globe moment?  I'm happy. I hadn't realised how unhappy I was.

Hormones? I'm free, I have made my commitment, now there is no turning back (there is turning back but I've been on antiAA and oestrodil for long enough that there is no return to 'male' function; thankfully).

Surgery? I haven't been there yet.

My overall response? Happiness.

Cindy

It's a bit hard to say what I felt pre-HRT because about 3/4 of my life was spent pre-HRT and I didn't always feel the same. I would have to say that coming to terms with and accepting being trans made an equally big change in how I felt as when starting HRT. I guess the main thing I felt before starting was a sense of it all being just a pipe dream. It was hard to imagining ever making it all the way through and that scared me because I couldn't see any possible way life could continue in it's old form. Starting HRT was wonderful and I felt a sense of it all becoming real, the train finally left the station if you will. But it was scary too because I felt very deeply that I was heading down a one-way street, there was no way I would ever want to or be able to go back. One way or another I was going down this road even if it'd kill me, so the prospect of not making it to my destination was very scary in deed.

Most of the time going through transition I was very happy, almost like a little kid, but every so often I would wake up with an overwhelming sense of doom, that I was completely nuts to think I was ever going to be able to pull this off.

GID was probably at it's strongest right before HRT but it wasn't until I started passing that it really started to subside. Post-ffs it was pretty much gone so srs made little difference in that department.

My transition was pretty much all DIY so I really can't say anything regarding discussion in therapy and how this all relates to that.

Quote from: Cindy James on July 05, 2012, 04:35:34 AM
The light globe moment?  I'm happy. I hadn't realised how unhappy I was.
Cindy

Bingo.
Before HRT, I didn't feel like me.
After, I felt at home in my own skin (and like my warring body and mind had signed an armistice and exchanged presents!) for the first time since before my first puberty.
Other people noticed the change in me.

I think it represented three simultaneous changes for me:
1. Symbolic sign of progress. HRT is a tangible sign that I could put in my mouth and slap on my hip, affirming that my transition train has left the station and is picking up speed. Knowing that I was really doing it, did more to relieve my gender dysphoria nearly overnight than all the gradual steps I had already been taking.
2. Relief from Testosterone poisoning. Everybody's brain and body are different, but for me, testosterone was a terrible drug. It didn't matter that my body was the one producing it, my high levels made my body (and its urges) feel like an alien growth. The anger, the frustration, the fear, the fight or flight or freeze, and the resulting risk of depression if I took anger and turned it inward, all were much worse for me on Testosterone. Adrenaline surges when I felt pushed or under attack could make me shake. Desire like an outside force, focused down there, when it had been too long (5 minutes?) The first thing I felt on HRT, was the calming, leveling sensation as my T levels quickly reached the healthy female range. The brain I had before I went through male puberty was back. I even got floods of suppressed emotional memories from those times.
3. Say hello to my best friend Estrogen. I felt the effects of my estrogen levels rising from the start - more in touch with my happy, warm fuzzy, huggy, teary, gentle, sassy, outspoken, bold, diplomatic, easy going, motherly side. It became harder and harder to sit on emotions and not express them. I could tell the difference between the E effect, and the freedom from T effect, when after 2 months my doctor doubled my E dose. Same improvement in mood and affect and social outreach, only more so. I felt and feel great. Everyone I know could see the effect in me.
My wife and my sister both went on HRT themselves because they saw such positive effects in me.

Hi,

Depends on the person concerned, im different my body is different so how i react to meds is different in many ways some i dont tolerate so they dont work. & really im used to that,

So H R T, i expected about a 40 % help no more than that i was pretty right on.  fact is it was less,

My changes took place long before hormones or surgerys were a part of what i was going through.

19 years ago my body was changeing as i was being prep'ed for my change if you can call it that ,

Okay being Intersexed does give you advantages  your own hormones can work for you in a number of ways,  my mind was all ready set as a hard wired female from long before birth , so no changes there,

My body closeed my sexual side compleatly down. so im really a none sexual. in many ways that has been really neat,  there are of cause some disadvantages namly not haveing my womb so no children thats a really hard issue to have to work through.

when i went on hormones for my self they are for my maintance of my body as a female & as a woman. menopausal  & thats pretty much it . because i have lovely skin the meds just helped a little in the softness other than that nothing  my body does what it needs to do as being a woman,

voice included though some will say not possiable, i dont mind  my voice did change & no i did not force my voice in any way, fact is i could not be bothered

As a woman i had  what i needed to be one going back to being  a female does help.  did i have to learn any thing not really i just had to grow in the way that i needed to as a person first with out going  into my issues, as a person not wether im male / female  that really had nothing to do with being what i am .

many of those issues are still there just i dont let them stop me from being my self & being a woman.

Iv had a good many surgerys  just my last 4 were pretty neat was like the door i was going to go through was being opened like many others so yes my surgerys were fantastic to say the least, just lovely.

I accepted my self for who i was / am so no issues there, G I D means nothing to me  .

No spending time talking  about my self to Psychs or G P's or endos no need just told them what i told Jos im a woman ill live as one & i have & am , meds / surgery's done with in 3 years, & all at my requst, no if's or buts,

Im happy content in  who i allways have been i did not change from male to female or female to male,  being I S is really what i am & theres no difference for me .

simple maybe  different yes & happy being this way,    Oh ....YES....

...noeleena...

I really appreciate all the responses so far, especially to Noeleena for your perspective from an intersexed beginning.  (I used to know a wonderful intersexed female person in my teen years which was my first major exposure to gender variance.  She set a very positive tone at the time for my developing personal views of the gender spectrum and the LGBT community.)

To relate some of my story, I've gone through a slow but steady decline starting at puberty in my mood and my outlook on life.  Due primarily to my social anxiety and my inability to connect with other people effectively because I simply don't relate to them in a 'traditional and expected' gender role fashion, I have incorporated depression and avoidance behaviour into my life.  The most noticeable thing to my family is that I've almost completely lost my zest for life and spend little time on my hobbies and creative projects anymore which I used to be quite consumed by.  I've kinda shut down and spend most of my free time alone.  On top of having to put on a proper male act all the time I now have to put on a happy face to not put off customers and co-workers at work.  The moment a conversation ends the smile immediately drops into a scowl which is becoming troublingly permanent.

I have also become emotionally and physically exhausted by a lifetime of high nerves.  This has also gotten progressively worse over this time to the point where I always feel like I'm waking up with a perpetual hangover and can't eat breakfast.  When I finally learned at the age of 30 to separate real anxiety from the general physical malaise I found a great sense of emotional peace which improved my depression a lot.  I'm not sure though how many more times I can stand to wake up feeling so bad at the start of my day.  My family doctor only deals in natural medicine and failed miserably at addressing this.  I'm afraid that when I get a new doctor I'll have to go through experimentation with anxiety medications which may also be a failure.  What I feel is rarely real anxiety - it's more a sense that my body has been screaming at me that something else is seriously wrong and all my life I've just been struggling through it and screaming back in my head "I don't know what's wrong!  I don't know how to help!  Stop torturing me!"

This is just part of the picture but I know that many trans people can relate to this at least in part and have seen improvement.  As has been said, this is part mental and part hormonal.  I'm not suggesting that HRT is some kind of magic pill even though some of you have experienced a world of change.  I'm just trying to gauge how much of what I feel could be at least partly related to my GID.  Any improvement in regards to a feeling of physical and emotional peace or calm would be a godsend.  I can tell you that the moment I finally understood the nature of my 'trans condition' was when a light went on over my head and I was just completely floored by the revelation and how it explained so much of the 'social disconnect' in my life.  I have achieved another great peace in my mind and am already feeling much less stiff, angry and 'contained'.  I was also thoroughly blown away when my sexuality finally clicked in my mind and I learned I was able to experience female sexual arousal and a very female-like orgasm already without any physical or hormonal 'adjustments'.  Until then my sexuality was virtually dormant ever since puberty wore off.  Finally I feel like I have something to share with a partner intimately and that I will know how to communicate it.  (Whether they be trans or GG I think really depends entirely on the individual and their own mindset.  I am now comfortable with the idea of both as long as they strike me as being female.)

What I am attempting to work out with this topic and your stories is breaking apart all the emotional and physical aspects of the condition so I can better communicate with doctors and focus my efforts effectively on the right things.  I believe that I'm already well on my way to a better state of mind but I feel from what I've read and heard from many others that I can accomplish so much more and that HRT can be a major contributor to that success.  Just to be clear, I learned about my trans condition from association with other aspects of my private life before a number of other pieces of the puzzle fell into place.  I have tried very hard to accurately and objectively assess my situation without saying "Oh, I've experienced that symptom too so I MUST be trans!"  I must say though that I've been shocked by the number of things that have lined up with my life experiences which I had not thought to associate with my GID.

As has been stated, HRT is something tangible. Pre-HRT life seemed adrift and very uncertain. That feeling went away very quickly, almost immediately, once I started. Filled with T and lacking E I felt empty, flat and fake. Life was just a uniform gray mass. Once on E things got shape, texture, contrast and color. I would lay in bed at night and just feel and be. There would be a continuity from the sheets touching my skin all the way to the inner core of my being. I remember once telling a friend that life before felt like my mind was operated my body as if it was a vehicle, after E the two became one and the same.

The signs and symptoms of our condition aren't always cut and clear, and even when they are I think we have a tendency to double-think. We explain away what we deep down know to be true. My first memory of my issues was from the age of about 5 I think. I was in the in the bathtub looking down at my body and in my minds eye would pictured a continuous curve from my belly to in between my legs, and what I saw in my mind felt so right, but what my eyes saw (the penis) filled me with a great sense of sadness and grief. From then on I would relive this experience every time I looked down at my body. There were other things as well, but this is one of the memories of my childhood that really stand out. At age 11-12 I came across an article in a magazine about woman that transitioned. Reading it I felt, hot, cold, dizzy, sick and close to fainting. Everything I read resonated so strongly with how I felt and I knew perfectly well why. Then the intense shame set in and the explaining away began.

I was a lunatic before HRT. Now I'm a slightly calmer and saner lunatic.

I found that I was an awful lot more prone to mood swings, and feelings of depression. I have a lot less anxiety and stuff now. It's hard to say whether or not it's a result of testosterone itself, or the result of a more stable hormone environment. I'm pretty sure that pre-HRT my hormones shifted quite significantly even in the course of a day.

I find that if I miss a T dose (even one gel packet), I feel that slightly off feeling returning. So that's why I think it may be an imbalance issue in addition to the wrong hormone issue.