sorry if this triggers anyone but I'm in a really bad place atm. I'm being buried under all my issues in life not just my v. possibly being ftm. I'm completely in a daze most of the time and have lost all hope for the future. Even just being still here next year brings shivers to my spine let alone growing old with this stuff swirling around my head.

I;m thinking things I shouldn't but I'm scared that if I ended up in hospital, no-one would know to refer to me as a guy.  I'm terrified to come out to my family and only some of my friends here at home (as opposed to away at university [that is a major stress right now but the less said about University the better)). So basically I'd be found or whatever with my male looking clothes and my binder underneath which I'm terrified about my fmaily seeing and it would be very uncomfortable for everyone involved I just can't shake these thoughts though. I feel os much shame as well as guilt and regret and just pure dar dark depression.

Sorry, it's late here but I just need help with these worries and some sense tlaked into me

I'm stuck in limbo it seems

I'm sure a lot of us can relate to feeling stuck in a situation with no hope for it getting better. It's hard to see a light at the end of a tunnel when your world seems completely dark.

Anyone that's been there though and lived through can attest to the fact that it's not always going to be dark and despair. Life is full of ups and downs. When you're on the down, you have to focus on the fact that it's not always going to be down - you will come up at some point.

I take it your stuck at home with your family during the summer? Writing out how you feel in a journal or something might help if you're not able to get out on your own to see a therapist or something like that. Also, as silly as it sounds, use your imagination. Imagination is just as powerful as your conscious thoughts that everything is crap right now. If you can "get away" in your mind for even a little bit each day and imagine things changing in your life, things falling into place for you, things just generally getting better it can help. That alone has gotten me through some rough points in my life.

hey easy there buddy. hopefully these will help more than i can


Dare to Believe in Yourself!


you are strong just believe in yourself
remember there is always a better way,

If you are still questioning just relax. You don't have to find the answer right now. Some guys don't find it till they are really old and that is ok. The clearer your head is the clearer your answer will be.

You will always be you no matter what the other people think. People can mistake you for things that you are not and that is their error not yours.

Also as far as hospitals go I am assuming you mean mental health hospital. Most people there are pretty accepting. If you simply explain your identity to them they should respect you. It is their job to make sure you are healthy, mentally and physically. It may take them a bit to get pronouns right but most doctors and psychologists I have spoken to have been respectful. If they give you any crap speak to their supervisor.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on July 09, 2012, 11:13:08 PM
Anyone that's been there though and lived through can attest to the fact that it's not always going to be dark and despair. Life is full of ups and downs. When you're on the down, you have to focus on the fact that it's not always going to be down - you will come up at some point.

This. Ever get that feeling when you are starting to get out of the depression? It feels truly awesome. So there's that to look forward to not to mention what if something good were to happen and you'd miss it? There's also some pride to be had in the fact that you are still alive. However, if you're anything like I was, that probably won't kick in until the depression is lessened.
Ask for help. Even if others can't help you defeat the depression, they can help you wait out the really bad times and offer suggestions for what works for them.
If you can get into therapy with someone you get along with and who is familiar with your issues, I highly recommend it. For me, behaviour therapy which teaches skills for emotion regulation was very helpful. A therapist may also be able to give you advice on coming out among other things.
When things get really bad, I'd recommend putting off attempts. Take it one minute at a time if you have to, but do what you can to wait it out. Eventually, things will get easier and you'll be able to say you beat it.
Also, try to get enough sleep, eat healthy, and exercise. Take time to relax (that may take practice). Treat yourself once in awhile. Just little things, but they do have an impact over the long term.

(This is just my advice based on my experiences. There is no need to take it if it doesn't work for you.)