Wow, this is so embarrassing!
I joined this forum back on July 15, 2012 in a flurry of activity to research and consume information about being trans, about a week after I finally admitted to myself that I had been unable to repress my trans nature, and then forgot I had joined here. If you will forgive me for not returning, I would like to catch you all up on what I've been up to, and this time I promise I will stick around and contribute more in this forum.
About a week before I joined here I was about to walk in front of a commuter train, terrified to admit to myself that I was trans, and fortunately, instead I began calling local gender therapists from my car, sitting less than a hundred yards from the train tracks, till I finally got someone on the phone.
I began gender therapy and for the first time in my life, in my late fifties, told another human being that I have always known I needed to be, should be, felt like, a girl/woman. (my full history is at the link below in my signature)
The first therapist I went to was not yet fully licensed, and didn't have any experience with MTF, but referred me to a local GP that works with TS patients.
The Doctor began me on a very small dose of Spiro right away at my request, which were gradually ramped up till they are now 8x the starting dosage.
My Doc in turn referred me to a much more experienced gender therapist who I have been seeing for about four months now, for a total of 6 months of therapy.
My therapist sent a letter to my doctor last month approving me to begin full HRT, and I have now been on E for just over a week, again a small dosage at first which she will probably ramp up soon.
I have had about 10 hours of electrolysis and have recently realized I need to ramp it up aggressively to about 2 to 4 hours a week. If I had the budget to support it I would go to E3000 in Texas.
In July, I created a blog (linked below) and began writing a wide variety of things, some fantasy, a prose imagery piece, some trans documentary things, some TS related analysis, etc. I also have a Facebook page and just began using Pinterest.
In the midst of this flurry of activity, I joined this forum and a couple others which I have been active on all this time (again, let me apologize, I just completely forgot I had joined here, which seems very rude of me, I hope you will forgive me).
Almost right away I began reading TS biographies, and related things and have posted a reading list of the better ones on the sidebar of my blog. I also found several VLOGs which I found extremely helpful and which are also mentioned on my blog.
My therapist tells me she has never had a patient who has done as much personal research as I do on my own, and she has had over a thousand TG patients. It's just who I am; I have been an engineer, entrepreneur, writer, teacher, photographer, and have two business degrees, all of which has left me broke and in debt in this current economy.
Soon after beginning therapy, I came out to a casual GG woman friend. She saw me experiencing a serious bout of dysphoria one day, not knowing what was the matter, but knew something was wrong. She felt compassion and asked if she could help; she had a nursing and teaching background, and I first told her that I could not talk about it, but after a couple of weeks of her persistently pursuing the subject, I relented and laid it all out to her. It turned out that in a short span of time she discovered she knew several TS people of different ages and I became a resource to her, pointing her at various trans information resources to learn more.
In October I decided to come out to a pastor and an elder in my church, men I have been extremely close friends with for many years, partly to try to encourage them to learn what I had learned about this to see that it isn't what they think (long story there for another time). They were absolutely stunned, and yet very caring and kind, but unpersuaded and retain a rigid anti-trans prejudice. I have accepted that once they realize I am transitioning, my relationship with them will become very difficult.
Just before Thanksgiving I came out to my wife of 30 years, actually I had sort of told her in the first year of our marriage about thirty years ago, but I don't know that I really explained very well, I was still in denial myself in those days. I had wanted to transition in my twenties, but back then the information was hard to come by and I didn't know where to turn. In the meantime I had repressed it with enormous pain and difficulty while our kids were growing up, and I am sure she thought it was just a passing phase I had outgrown or something. Anyway there is more about that in my history essay.
My wife was very compassionate and understanding, but decided to move out at the thought of me cross-dressing at home. Our marriage had not been good for a decade or more. I expect we will probably be better friends now that we're separated than we have for a long time; long story, lots of very complex issues, hers and mine. She had threatened to leave many times before, and I secretly wished she would.
When she moved out, I immediately began buying a wardrobe (again, which I had last done in my twenties), literally at the black Friday and Cyber Monday sales after Thanksgiving. I already now have the makings of half a dozen nice outfits, lingerie, nightgowns, jewelry, makeup, perfume, and bought my first wig. When I showed a picture to my wife a week or so later she couldn't believe it was me and thought I looked amazingly good (which was VERY kind of her). I would not be able to pass any real scrutiny in public, and have not tried at this point, but it has been wonderful to be able to dress en femme, even if just at home.
In terms of my body, in July I began dieting, just cutting down on the quantity of food, but eating a well balanced diet, and I have now gone from 252 pounds down to 187, or 65 pounds lost. I am six feet tall, so I still would like to lose another 30 or 40 pounds. I began shaving everywhere, and for Christmas bought myself an epilator (aka personal torture device, but I do like the results).
I am desperately wanting to get FFS in about a year so I can go full time then. That will require a new job, which will be a challenge. My job now pays well, but the company is very anti-trans anything.
My next major hurdle is "coming out" to my two grown sons in their twenties, and a daughter-in-law. The youngest and I are extremely close, I often say he is my best friend, and he's home for the holidays from college (literally in the next room). It is tearing me apart trying to work up the nerve to tell him. Both kids are very caring and compassionate, but we've also been a pretty conservative religious family, so this is going to be a nuclear shock for them. I desperately want to tell them, but it will break my heart if I lose my relationship with them.
Well that pretty well catches you up. As you can see, it's been a whirlwind six months.
As for my decision to transition, I finally decided that I had a choice, I could either write a "coming out" letter to my family, or I could write a suicide note to them. I have written a long coming out letter which my wife and friends have read, but not my kids yet.
Thanks for reading all of this. I will try not to be quite so long winded usually, but lots to catch up.
Cheers!
- Heather
