My name is Monica
  I've been reading the forums and chatting off an on for a while and thought I would start posting and stop hiding.  I've wanted to be a girl for as long as I could remember.  I fought with it off and on for so long, I'm tired and beat.

  I always thought is was wrong when I would rather hang with girls and wear their clothes.  I't was hard growing up knowing that something's wrong and you could not fix it.  I always felt out of place/not a part of anything.

  I'm 36 and still in the closet hiding from everything I like to do.  I've become cynical and anti-social with pretty much everything and everybody in life.  I try to show my female side to people, but my in-built defense I've built kicks in.  I go shopping only to chicken out or walk around in circles like an idiot.

  I just want to be girl, simple, not.

Hi Monica, and welcome!

So why do you feel what you want to be is wrong? If you have been hanging out here for awhile you must realize you are certainly not alone!

When I was young, I knew what I felt and the rest of the world told me it was "wrong" to feel that way. Thirty two years ago I did something about it and my life since then has proven that I was right and the world was wrong!

We only get one shot at this life so follow your heart!


[edit]Just fixed the tags[/edit]

Hi Monica,

Welcome to Susan's. Here is somewhere where you can express your feminine side safely and without judgement provided you follow the rules.
As you have said you have been reading the forums for a while so you probably are aware of the rules and the WIKI which is a valuable source of information.

QuoteI always felt out of place/not a part of anything.

I think that you will find that this is a sharing place and that by sharing it will help you to feel part of this lovely place.

QuoteI go shopping only to chicken out or walk around in circles like an idiot.

Shopping for the first couple of times can be a fairly daunting experience however it does get easier. There are a number of ways to ease the discomfort including shopping "for someone else".

Good luck on your journey Monica and I hope you continue to sahre with us.

Shelley

Hello Monica,

Let me add my welcome to the others.  I know that you are going to find that Susan's is a great place to be.  There are many, many, others here that have experienced the same issues as you and so there is a lot of support out there.

I myself suffered as you did trying to pluck up the courage to go shopping, but have patience it will happen. 

If you like why not tell us why you are so cynical.

Again welcome to Susan's, relax you're among friends.

Steph

Quote from: Moni on November 11, 2005, 12:20:52 AM
My name is Monica
   I'm 36 and still in the closet hiding from everything I like to do.  I've become cynical and anti-social with pretty much everything and everybody in life. 
  I just want to be girl, simple, not.

Hi Monica,

Welcome to Susan's.  Your story and feelings are very familiar to many of us.  The cynical antisocial attitude describes me before transition.  It is a common way of dealing with gender dysphoria.  Hope you stay awhile.

This is something of an introduction for me too and a cautionary tale.  I began posting under this name (DawnL) in April of 2004.  I changed my name and profile with the beginning of my RLT.  That other name was unusual and given the power of Google, I became identifiable and may have placed myself in some danger.  So that profile and name has disappeared to be replaced by my original pseudonym, Dawn. 

Dawn

Hello Moni,

                    Welcome to Susan's.  Your story and situation are very familiar and many of us share the same experiences.  I have some advice that I think will help some during this time. Just act like yourself, do not put up a male front. Cry at weddings, say the things you want to say as a woman, hold and kiss the babies you can even soften your voice a bit. Just try to be yourself. I did this for many years and no one had a clue. The visual perception of gender is so strong that unless you change your visuals, walk, appearance etc no one will know.  They will say you are sensitive, a "nice guy" but never connect the dots. It is not the same as completely being yourself of course and will not replace that but I found it very helpful. I just found out that it also helped with coming out, I was told "Oh, now everything falls into place and makes sense" and from a daughter, "I was always glad you wern't a "Dad" Dad like the other kids had and now I know why."

beth

As you say Beth,

Fortunately sensitive males are no longer stereotyped as gay or effeminent.

There is hope that one TG'swon't be stereotyped either.

Shelley

Hi Monica,

May I extend a warm welcome also.  I'm sure everyone here knows exactly how you feel about buying girl clothes for the first time.  You think that everyone in the store is looking at you and your heart starts pounding louder and louder, your legs get weak and you not sure if you have the strength to walk out of the store.   That pretty much describes my first experience at trying to buy girl clothes.  I had to make several attempts before I actually did it.

The first item of girl clothing I bought was a dress.  Even then, I remember standing in line and almost turning around and putting it back.   But I stood my ground and tried to keep from blushing as I paid for the item. 

You just have to tell yourself when you enter the store,  "I am not walking out of here unless I buy myself some girl clothes"  It just takes that one first time, then you will be surprised how easy it is.   You just have to DO IT!

I always feel a little more comfortable with a girl check-out clerk.  Here is another thought to, it's getting close to Xmas so people will think it's a gift for someone else.   Another thought, buy other items you might need so you're not just buying girl clothes.  If you shop at a store such as Wal-Mart this is easy to do.  Don't forget the first time is the hardest.

Happy shopping,


joanna

Hey Monica,
nice to meet you!
and Have fun shopping! you can do it!
Alex

Thanks for the greetings.

Stephanie asked me to explain cynical, what I should have said is negativity toward pretty much everything.

Hi Monica,
   Welcome to Susans. Here you should find all you need to know. Weither its here in the forums or in the chat where you can talk and ask questions and have fun. Nice to meet you.

Quote from: Moni on November 14, 2005, 11:41:43 PM
Thanks for the greetings.

Stephanie asked me to explain cynical, what I should have said is negativity toward pretty much everything.

Ok so why are you so negative about everything.  Start dwelling on the positive, and you've aready made a start at that by being here at Susan's.  If you need to vent or get something off your chest then go right ahead.  Don't worry, if we think that you've gone too far we'll just give you a kick in the butt (a freindly one of course)

Chat later,

Steph

I agree with Steph here Moni,

Susan's is a place where you can relax and be your true self. There is no need to be negative here. One advantage of being positive here is that it then helps you to be more positive in your everyday life.

Confusion is one of the things that leads to negative feelings. By reading the experiences of others and as I like to say try them on for size can help you to clarify your own experiences and help you to understand yourself on your journey of self discovery.

So good luck on your journey and give us a smile along the way.

Shelley

Hi Monica,

I'm new at Susan's Place too.
People here are very supportive.
I know how hard it is to buy cloths.

QuoteI go shopping only to chicken out or walk around in circles like an idiot.

I've been there too.
But I bought a blouse and skirt yesterday and when I got to the checkout counter the girl just assumed I was buying Christmas presents.
So go for it Monica, It really isn't that hard. You can do it girl and you will feel better afterwards.

See You Latter 

Jillieann

You wouldn't have liked the Frederick's stuff anyway. They are scartchy uncomfortable cheaply made pieces of c@#$, that fall apart the first time you wash them. JC Penny was the better choice. If you want sexy and have the extra bucks to spend, Victorias Secret is the place to go.

Cassie

Hi Moni,

Welcome to Susan's.

I really agree with Stephanie. You should dwell on the positive side of things. You're right now in a great place amongst good friends that understand each other, and can be very supportive. I hope that you enjoy yourself and get around to meeting all of us eventually.

Gina

I know I should be positive, but it is hard when you can not be yourself, for fear of being found out.

I am trying to do better, by saying to myself the heck with it.

I did go shopping and did not chicken out and it was at JCPenneys.  I was there for an hour just looking around even though I had already had in my hands what I wanted to get.  I had trouble deciding what else I wanted.  I try to buy stuff that I can wear to work, without it being suspicious .

Thanks for the kind words.  They do help.

Hi again. I know this feeling well, I was the say was at first,walking and looking. Really scared and as well as sweating!!!! But, I finally got over it and enjoy shopping.
   Cassie I have to agree with you on the Fredricks thing.
I myself love Victorias too. But, things like bras, I usely just go to Wal-Mart and get Vasserette

Hi Moni,

I did not get a chance to welcome you to Susan's.  I think you'll like it here.  I mentioned this in another post, but I think it might be helpful to you.  I went into a female clothing store with my cell phone up to my ear, and pretended I was talking to my wife while shopping for a bra.  I said things like, "uh-huh, uh-huh, let me ask the girl" and then I turned to the sales clerk and said, "my wife wants to know if you have an underwire bra in a 42-C"  the sales girl said yes, and I talked back into the phone and said, "yes they do, what color did you want" it went on from there but I think you can get the idea.  It made an uncomfortable situation more comfortable.  I hope this helps, and again, welcome, it's nice to have you on board!

Lisabeth

Way to go Monica. I knew you could do it.
I've decide tell anyone who ask me that I'm buy the cloths for my friend "Jillieann".
I'm just telling them the truth and they can interpret it anyway they like.
Hey girl when I'm out I like to buy something that has lace and is soft and frilly and is just for my own pleasure.
Jillieann