Hey everyone, I'm new here. I finally scheduled a therapy appointment for myself after a very low week in which everything looked bleak as hell and I felt sure I couldn't take hiding this persistent part of me anymore. But now that the brunt of the low feelings have eased off everything is weird. I'm kind of mixed with odd relief over having told my husband and my mom about my gender identity issues, but also the same old fears and some new ones regarding the entire thing.

I feel pretty torn. I know a lot of people are adamant that once you come to terms with being trans, that you seek out some course of action towards transition at the expense of all else. And I know the reasons why this is such a powerful and prevalent opinion. But at the same time I love my husband very deeply and he loves me just as much (hell, maybe more). I'm not sure I can handle sacrificing our relationship even if it looks like it's doomed from either side. There has to be some middle ground, I keep thinking. Some compromise. One of the building blocks of a good relationship is compromise. I just worry that if I (for example) got top surgery to deal with my biggest dysphoria that in the end it wouldn't be enough.

My mind's buzzing with all this crap. And fears that I'm just sinking back into the same old denial defense mechanism. I may feel out of place in my body and unhappy with myself, but I like my life. On top of this is this weird sense of resignation or relief or something. I'm not even sure what it is.

Obviously the only real option I have is to wait until my appointment next week, but I guess I wanted to know if anyone here had a similar "calm but not calm" period before actually seeking official help?

Also, if there's anyone who's sought transition that was/is married to a straight man, please say hello. I feel utterly alone there. I can find plenty of stories from MtFs about their female spouses, but it's just not the same.

Hi Chimera,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. I'm just sooooo pleased you have dropped in and trusted us with part of your life's story. That's not easy for you, and we highly regard and respect your confidence to do that. Shows you are made of strong stuff, that will keep you together through this journey.

Congratulations for making those hard decisions in the face of a perceived adversity. I say perceived, because love (which appears to be strongly mutual in your case) abounds in your relationship and will no doubt win out against adversity. You need to be extremely proud of yourself at the moment as well, for putting into place a winning plan to see a therapist. I hope they are familiar with gender issues.

Hopefully, one of our fabulous FTM's will be by shortly, who can guide you through the appropriate rooms here and help you with the answers to your questions. One thing for sure, there is a lot of friendships waiting here for you.

Quote from: ChimeraInside on July 10, 2012, 08:46:03 AM
But at the same time I love my husband very deeply and he loves me just as much (hell, maybe more).

Just focus on that issue and that issue alone for the minute. It appears to be a powerful strength that binds your relationship. Don't focus on the negative. It invariably never happens.

Quote from: ChimeraInside on July 10, 2012, 08:46:03 AM
I'm not sure I can handle sacrificing our relationship

From what you've said so far, I believe you have the strength to deal with whatever hand is dealt you. And I'd be inclined to think your husband is going to be by your side. Just remember, HE married YOU. You haven't changed, you're just being totally open and honest with yourself. He still loves YOU for the person you ARE. Nothing more, nothing less. He didn't marry you for your body parts, he married you for your personality, intellect and a whole host of other wonderful attributes you still have , and will continue to have, irrespective of your gender.

Quote from: ChimeraInside on July 10, 2012, 08:46:03 AM
There has to be some middle ground, I keep thinking. Some compromise. One of the building blocks of a good relationship is compromise.

With the strong attitude you have and the belief there is middle ground to be found, both of you are going to drift into that realm. It's a win-win situation all round. Keep up the good work.

Quote from: ChimeraInside on July 10, 2012, 08:46:03 AM
I just worry that if I (for example) got top surgery to deal with my biggest dysphoria that in the end it wouldn't be enough.

You probably know the answer to that one already. You know your feelings and follow them. This is where your therapist will be able to guide you through the plethora of feelings and emotions, so you can make well informed and balanced choices.

Quote from: ChimeraInside on July 10, 2012, 08:46:03 AM
And fears that I'm just sinking back into the same old denial defense mechanism.

Try and resist those thoughts at all costs. After all FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

Quote from: ChimeraInside on July 10, 2012, 08:46:03 AM
but I guess I wanted to know if anyone here had a similar "calm but not calm" period before actually seeking official help?

Once you admit you need assistance and create the opportunity, yes there is an amazing calm that can behold you. When I finally decided to cross 'that' line and start the transition process, I experienced such a feeling of liberation and freedom I have NEVER experienced before. And the opportunities that opened up after that, and continue to do so, is absolutely amazing.

Also, if there's anyone who's sought transition that was/is married to a straight man, please say hello. I feel utterly alone there.

Hopefully as I mentioned before someone will be along soon to help you with this one.

In the meantime, remain positive, it's your strength machine; and keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Firstly, welcome! A big English welcome here :p

I think Catherine pretty much said alot of what most of us would have said, and in good depth!

What I think is important is when you go to your appointment, is to be as honest as you have been here. And with your husband, to also share all youre feeling and all the possible steps you may take.

Before my first appointment, Id reached that point you explained, where Id soldier forward with transition no matter what. Id already tried to deal with not being able to transition for my family, but my depression got so bad I was breaking down every day, it was like my spirit was just switching off.
However, its different for me as I was 15, obviously not married, didnt even have a girlfriend, and while me and my family, (especially Mum and twin) were very close, its a different type of closeness youre dealing with with your husband. After years of therapy and being messed around by professionals, I started T at 18, and things had been at their worst with my family for several years. I then had to move out and felt alone. But, if you saw us now, years later, you wouldnt guess that wed been at that stage. Me and my Mum are so close now, I feel shes finally accepting me. My twin still struggles, but is trying.
What Im getting at is, hopefully the love you two have (and you and your family too) with being able to bounce back just as strong if you do go through with more steps, now or down the line. But if you do, Im sure you know it wont happen without pain and sacrifice and difficulty.

But on the other hand, full transition may not be the answer for you. I think more talking, exploring and "soul searching", as they say, will help provide you with answers.
You mentioned compromise, and you may find that a compromise is all you need to be happy, instead of going all the way.  It may involve altering your gender expression without medical assistance, I dont know.

I hope that things can work out for you.
Hopefully someone who has been in a similar situation, i.e married,  can chime in now.

Catherine - Thank you for your detailed comment. My therapist is familiar with gender issues and also marriage and family issues, so I'm really hoping she's a good fit. I'll get to find out tomorrow!

I think with regards to my husband I'm respective of the fact that he's straight, he's sexually attracted to women and female bodies. I'm "people sexual" so I don't really care, though I do prefer masculine bodies when it comes down to strength of attraction. But that being said, I can understand and respect where he's coming from when he says that he'll always love me and be my friend, but that he wants to be with (romantically/sexually) a woman. I hate that sexuality and gender are so tied like they are. Makes everything feel too complicated.

Our relationship is definitely one of the biggest things I want to bring up with my therapist. I really need to make that list of talking points today 

QuoteYou know your feelings and follow them. This is where your therapist will be able to guide you through the plethora of feelings and emotions, so you can make well informed and balanced choices.

And that's what I desperately need right now. I'm feeling more even keeled the last couple days (had a birthday too, which is always nice) but also sort of on edge. I guess I'm feeling like the other shoe is about to drop.

Make It Good - Thanks for your comment too I'm definitely working more towards sharing how I'm really feeling with my husband, vs. just saying "I'm okay" or "I'm fine" because I don't want to talk about it. I'm very emotional, and I get so sick and tired of breaking down every time I want/need to talk about something heavy. I have this tendency to just bottle crap up until I can't take it anymore, which is bad.

QuoteId already tried to deal with not being able to transition for my family, but my depression got so bad I was breaking down every day, it was like my spirit was just switching off.

I feel you there. I was at that point a couple weeks ago when I decided I had better get myself to a therapist once and for all. There really wasn't another positive choice IMO.

QuoteBut on the other hand, full transition may not be the answer for you. I think more talking, exploring and "soul searching", as they say, will help provide you with answers.

You mentioned compromise, and you may find that a compromise is all you need to be happy, instead of going all the way.  It may involve altering your gender expression without medical assistance, I dont know.

I've definitely been thinking about this more in the last week. I got my hair cut like I prefer it, I'm only wearing clothes I like to wear and that make me feel okay with how I look, and I'm not leaving the house without a sports bra on. It's kind of stupid how such little things can tamp down a good portion of my anxiety, but at the same time I'm trying not to take that concept for granted.

Still, I'm not sure I can go the rest of my life with this chest looking like it does right now. I had figured out a way to ignore my dysphoria for almost a whole year last year, but whatever I was doing has stopped working and I'm not sure what it was anyway.  At any rate, I don't have the means to rush into anything other than therapy at the moment, so I'm very ready and happy with the idea of taking some real time to sort through all this stuff with the therapist. Trying to work through it and/or ignore it on my own is not doing me or anyone I care about any favors. I need to break out of this cycle.

Quote from: ChimeraInside on July 16, 2012, 09:44:09 AM
I've definitely been thinking about this more in the last week. I got my hair cut like I prefer it, I'm only wearing clothes I like to wear and that make me feel okay with how I look, and I'm not leaving the house without a sports bra on. It's kind of stupid how such little things can tamp down a good portion of my anxiety, but at the same time I'm trying not to take that concept for granted.

Still, I'm not sure I can go the rest of my life with this chest looking like it does right now. I had figured out a way to ignore my dysphoria for almost a whole year last year, but whatever I was doing has stopped working and I'm not sure what it was anyway.  At any rate, I don't have the means to rush into anything other than therapy at the moment, so I'm very ready and happy with the idea of taking some real time to sort through all this stuff with the therapist. Trying to work through it and/or ignore it on my own is not doing me or anyone I care about any favors. I need to break out of this cycle.

Having the small things to help you through each day and to help you feel more comfortable, I think is such a valuable thing to be able to do! I remember some of the very small things I managed to get away with at the very start of everything, such as my first pair of boxers, or secretly buying my first male body spray/deodorant. Even just using that made me feel better. So, finding these things that can help decrease your anxiety will do you good, as Im sure you know

And it seems that you have an idea of what direction you want things to go in for your life, and being able to talk this all through while you decide will hopefully make for the best grounds to make your life choices on.

I hope that all goes well for you.