I've been feeling a bit weird lately about having had top surgery.

Don't get me wrong, it feels great and I look great and it's awesome. But I think that back when I originally set the date and had the surgery, I was in so much distress that I lost sight of some things I should have thought about. What I did think about was myself, my body, and the relationship between the two. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that though, and in fact it's probably more important than what I'm thinking about now.

Now, the initial excitement has worn off. I'm over the thrill of my new body, and I'm finding myself unsure of how to navigate the world from inside it. I've been applying and interviewing for jobs, and I puzzle over the 'preferred name' space on the form and how to present for interviews. I'm (fairly) newly single, and I don't know when, how, or what to disclose to the people I've been meeting.

Sometimes I even think I should have gone without the surgery, and continued to present in a way that would let me blend in rather than stick out. Which is ridiculous, considering the wonders that top surgery has done for me and my outlook. But there's that part of me that insists it would be easier that way, to move through the world as just another woman, attracting and dating straight men.

I've come to a point where I'm comfortable in my body, but it seems that the rest of the world isn't comfortable with it yet. I guess this is social dysphoria. I'd love to be seen as something other than a man or a woman, but I don't really have that option. I'd love to find lovers that don't see me as an atypical woman, or the 'exception' to their orientation, but that hasn't really happened yet.

Anyone know this feel? Where you're just fine, it's the rest of the world that has a problem?

I have no idea where this post is going, or in what form any input should come. This would have been better off as a blog post or journal entry, but I don't keep a journal or a blog where this might belong.

It's the rest of the world...

With the exception of us that just don't know how or where, to find each other.

Ativan

Hi Julian,

I really relate to what you are feeling.  As I explore, and get more comfortable, with my sexuality and gender identity (although I am still far from reaching my intended presentation of my gender) I sometimes feel that after everything is settling, I look back and I feel alone.  I have laboured on, ignoring my parents, my friends... etc. because I felt that I have something inside of me that i needed to explore, but once I am reaching this thing, I am realizing that I may have left a lot of people behind and they didn't take this journey with me.

I am not sure if this is how you feel or maybe are you not 100% sure of the surgery.  I have a feeling that it is a combination of both.

When I brought this topic up with my therapist, that I feel that I left so many people behind taking this journey (I was vague about the journey because I doubt he would even start to understand what a non-binary gender is), he commended me for taking the journey and he said that it was the right thing to do.  I realized too that he was lonely too for taking a journey that is personal to him.

I like the way you describe it as a social dysphoria.  I guess we deal with it as people are still trying to understand what we are going through.  I am sometimes mean and use it to make fun of people .

I think that it is a good thing we are doing and we will wait for people to catch up.

Ady

You're a trailblazer, I think.  Even though you didn't get top surgery just for androgyne visibility -- I'd question your sanity if you did -- it's still a pretty strong statement.

Hell, I just put a genderqueer pride flag decal von my car next to the HRC decal, and I feel pretty pleased with that... even though very few will recognize it yet.

Someday though.  As more people become aware of nonbinary gender and the issues we face, more people will recognize themselves.  Momentum will pick up.  The whole nature of gender in society will change, hopefully to everyone's benefit.

Quote from: foosnark on July 17, 2012, 09:33:48 AM
Someday though.  As more people become aware of nonbinary gender and the issues we face, more people will recognize themselves.  Momentum will pick up.  The whole nature of gender in society will change, hopefully to everyone's benefit.

I'm pretty sure you're right. It seems like that might be happening to some extent. It seems like younger people (even though I am not one of them!!) might see me as gq, maybe in the 20 something college educated range.

@Julian: I sure do know what you are talking about!! I am currently on summer break from teaching but kind of have started worrying about the school year. Not the things I normally worry about (will I have any behavior problem kids) etc. But how am I going to present and how I am going to tolerate being called Miss every day multiple times a day.

--Jay Jay

Quote from: Metroland on July 16, 2012, 03:44:33 PM
I really relate to what you are feeling.  As I explore, and get more comfortable, with my sexuality and gender identity (although I am still far from reaching my intended presentation of my gender) I sometimes feel that after everything is settling, I look back and I feel alone.  I have laboured on, ignoring my parents, my friends... etc. because I felt that I have something inside of me that i needed to explore, but once I am reaching this thing, I am realizing that I may have left a lot of people behind and they didn't take this journey with me.

Hi Ady,

I think I get that. My mom asks me questions about my gender sometimes, and I almost get confused before I realize she hasn't been privy to all of the soul-searching (and internet-searching ) that I've been doing. I'm essentially where I want to be, but I haven't shared much of my journey with her. Likewise with my friends. They know I've had top surgery, but I haven't shared with them what it means and what it's done for me.

Quote
I think that it is a good thing we are doing and we will wait for people to catch up.

Quote from: foosnark on July 17, 2012, 09:33:48 AM
You're a trailblazer, I think.  Even though you didn't get top surgery just for androgyne visibility -- I'd question your sanity if you did -- it's still a pretty strong statement.

I wish I didn't have to be a trailblazer. I wish it wasn't as much of a statement as it is. But I guess that by being one of the growing numbers making that statement, I'm helping make it less unheard-of, less radical. I've got maybe 10, 15 people who know now that this is a thing that happens, where they didn't know that before. I'm helping my friends be more open to nonbinary identities. I'm helping my doctors and therapist become more educated in this type of thing. Reading and mulling over your responses and typing this all out has helped comfort me. Thank you.