Hi all! LuckyMe here (still haven't decided on a woman's name yet). I decided to post in this forum rather than continue my thread in the introduction forum, so as to not have a lengthy conversation throughout the "Hi my name is X" posts. Don't want to steal the spotlight, I guess.

But a quick recap if you don't feel like reading my original thread (and it helps get my own ideas in order too). Up until very recently, I have never really thought of myself as a woman within a man's body, at least not in those words. I had a difficult childhood which included sexual assault by a pedophile, so my theory is that perhaps I built a wall of "normality" around my gender issues and tried very hard not to ever let them come out to the surface... But since at least my teenage years, I've been thinking, regularly and often, about what it would be to become a woman. Most of of it has been fantasying about the more physical aspect of it, and it's been so permeating my thoughts that I found myself in a state of arousal much more often than should be comfortable. I've had a probably standard sex life (half a dozen partners, all girls), other than having some slight erectile issues (which I attributed to my aforementioned traumatizing experiences). Right now, I'm married and I have a 21 month old daughter, I have 3 half-sisters which I love very much (2 younger, 1 older). About a month ago, my wife, who knew about my fantasizing, told me in so many words that if I were to get SRS (but only the operation, basically the ultimate stealth), perhaps I would be happier and she'd be alright.

That opened a floodgate of emotions and thoughts, led me to start researching ->-bleeped-<- and transsexualism, seek out this forum, post an introduction, have lengthy and complicated conversations with my wife (who doesn't exactly recall the "trigger conversation" and actually would prefer me to do everything but the op, oddly enough), get extremely confused about myself, see signs of GID from my past that I was previously disregarding... and today, calling a therapist for a first session. End of recap (yeah, I'm very verbose).

My point here is that even though I'm starting to have the feeling that this has been a long time coming (I'm 31 now by the way), it all seems so sudden and quick. I mean, at my age I haven't really experimented with cross-dressing, even in private (except one single exceptional occasion that I did so in public with a dozen close friends for support of another), and as I said I never really thought to myself as a woman "out loud/in my head". It's moving very quickly, but not faster than my wife and I seem to be able to cope with.

What scares me the most in this is that I'm not even 100% convinced that I'm actually a woman, inside. I'm so confused about my past and my experiences, about the fact that I've spent all my life (except in my fantasies) as a heterosexual male, about my wife being so understanding yet half-heartedly trying to guide me to other options... But at the same time, my driving force is that through all this, I strongly believe that I want to be a woman whatever anyone says, that even if a therapist told me that she could get "rid" of this desire (the sexual fantasy), I wouldn't want that. My wife told me during a conversation that me being so keen on changing was "taking the easy way out", to which I responded that years of therapy, hormone changes, multiple surgery, possible rejection and humiliation from peers, friends and family... was far from the easy way out!

Ugh. I'm rambling on I know, but it feels good to let it all out, whatever shape it takes in a literal sense. The more time goes by (and, hell, I had my first conversation with my wife no more than a week ago!) the more I feel that I'm changing. I've been looking at women in a very different way - from an objective point of view, rather than with envy or jealousy; I look at myself differently, finding myself somewhat uglier that I ever did (though I never found myself particularly attractive, sexy or beautiful), I imagine myself not just feeling like a woman's body, but actually *being* a woman.

Maybe I'm suffering from a positive reinforcement "syndrome" - or maybe it's just the "Great wall of Gender" that is showing its cracks, bursting apart at the seams, flooding me with thoughts and feelings that have been there all along but never dared show their faces. It would explain so much...

Gah! I'll leave some for the therapist, who should be calling me for an introductory phone call and an appointment setup sometime this afternoon. Thanks for listening to me and silently help put order into this chaotic thought process! Feel free to share your thoughts...

I feel very similarly, as regards the Great Wall of Gender maybe crashing down.  I've had to slow things down a bit for myself by putting the subject on the back burner inside my mind, just get other things done and let the subject simmer, in order to avoid being overwhelmed by it all.  Particularly when I met some ladies in the midst of transitions who have been experiencing some incredibly rocky times, one attempting suicide five times.  As they said, it's something of a crap shoot as to whether or not you get a smooth or a rocky transition, but if the alternative is to feel terrible in your present body then it's a choice of either one bad situation or another.  Anyway, I see what you're going through here.  It's good you'll be meeting a counselor.

One step at a time! Slow down, and smell the roses, babe. The path through GID issues is not straight nor is it necessarily certain where you'll be at the end. Go talk to your therapist, calm down, and carry on until you need to make real decisions. Doing this in a state of mania is *not* a good idea.

You're both right of course, I understand that I need to breathe. Compared to others who have taken years to think it through, with bouts of denial and depression, it seems like up to now I've had it relatively easy, but the road ahead is unpredictable and treacherous...

For the moment, I will limit myself to research and reading, and continuing to talk with my wife about our feelings and our possible future. Thank god I have my first therapist appointment on Monday, hopefully that will help, even though a single hour will seem so short!

Thanks for the support girls, I appreciate it.

Read as much as you want but be careful of a few common pitfalls:

Identifying with everything: A lot of us want to glom onto everything that we read as 'proof' of whatever... this is a mistake. You are you. You have your own journey. You do *not* have to have the same effing story as everyone else.

Rationalization: Do not try to make absolute sense of this. It happens (or this community wouldn't exist) but the hard evidence of 'why' isn't there yet. There's no magical proof that you can find nor is there a test that you can take that's going to say "YOU!!! YOU are TS/TG."

Reading too damned much: The more you read, the crazier you'll get. Be educated. Read the best stuff. Try not to spend your next six months reading EVERYTHING. You've got time.

Basic reading list:
"Whipping Girl - Julia Serano"
"She's not There - Jennifer Finney Boylan"
"TS Roadmap (http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html)"
"Second Type (http://www.secondtype.info/)"

Stick with these until your therapist recommends anything else. Aside from that, talk. Talk a hell of a lot. Talk allll the time and *don't* get stuck in your head.

~Love and Regards~

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on July 19, 2012, 10:23:54 AM
Aside from that, talk. Talk a hell of a lot. Talk allll the time and *don't* get stuck in your head.

Excellent advice.  Another thing is, it's important to realize that YOU have to do all your own research.  Do NOT depend on whatever health practitioners you have available to know what they are talking about.  If you are VERY lucky, you will find a  knowledgeable therapist early.  I was that lucky, my therapist was a GODsend.  Above all, deep breaths... you have a very long and arduous path ahead of you, no matter how lucky you are.  You will do a LOT of waiting, trust me on this.  Get used to it.  It's just the way things are.

You remind me a lot of myself a few years ago.  Your story sounds very, very familiar to me.  That being said, as Victoria said, you are YOU.  We each have our own story, our own path.

QuoteWhat scares me the most in this is that I'm not even 100% convinced that I'm actually a woman, inside. I'm so confused about my past and my experiences, about the fact that I've spent all my life (except in my fantasies) as a heterosexual male, about my wife being so understanding yet half-heartedly trying to guide me to other options... But at the same time, my driving force is that through all this, I strongly believe that I want to be a woman whatever anyone says, that even if a therapist told me that she could get "rid" of this desire (the sexual fantasy), I wouldn't want that. My wife told me during a conversation that me being so keen on changing was "taking the easy way out", to which I responded that years of therapy, hormone changes, multiple surgery, possible rejection and humiliation from peers, friends and family... was far from the easy way out!

This (the bolded part) is what you have to come to grips with.  That is the whole crux of the matter.  And again, I could have written that myself.  In fact, I'm sure I did.  Don't try to correlate "past experiences" with TG, other than perhaps recognizing dysphoric feelings pervading your life.  Don't manufacture them where they don't exist, tho.  Just be clear with yourself on who you are.  Don't worry about coming up with a female name, one will suggest itself to you in due time.

Bluntness (sorry):
As far as the pressure from wife and others, that's to be expected.  Don't forget, she fell in love with the man you presented to her.  To her, that's who YOU are.  Even if you are NOT that guy, that's who she married.  It's a rare woman who can stay in a relationship where her mate is changing to such a degree.  I think such a woman would need to be at some level bisexual, or pansexual, for it to work.  Unfortunately, that is very, very rare.  If your wife is such a woman, you are very, very lucky indeed.  Bottom line, you should be prepared for your marriage to end.  I had to leave my wife of nearly 32 years.  I still love her.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I did have to do it.  We are all okay, and my wife and I are still friends, but it's been a very painful process.

The main point is, this is something where the changes are fundamental, and the ramifications are far-reaching, and will affect each and every person around you, not just you.  Deal with the confusion first.  Move forward to a next step only when you are CERTAIN that it is what you MUST do.

Seek out other transsexuals.  Join a support group if there's one nearby, but also see if you can meet happy-normal-well-adjusted people near you who are well into their transition and/or post-transition.  They can be incredible resources.  I've been helped immensely by such people.  Some of those people, who are now very, very good friends, often described me as a "runaway train" because I approached my transition so single-mindedly.  My surgery will take place just 2 years almost to the day after my very first therapy session.  Quite the timeline, but not for everyone.

Best of luck.  I will be watching you... 

Edit:  Oh, and if it feels to YOU like you are running, you're likely going too fast.  Signal to slow down.  For me, I was moving at what felt to ME like a snail's pace, but those around me, especially those who had been through it or were in process, were like, "Colleen, slow DOWN!  You're going to crash!..."

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on July 18, 2012, 09:24:59 AM
One step at a time! Slow down, and smell the roses, babe. The path through GID issues is not straight nor is it necessarily certain where you'll be at the end. Go talk to your therapist, calm down, and carry on until you need to make real decisions.

So very very true! If you asked me 2 years if I'd be where I am today I would have said "Are you F'n crazy!!!???"

Making real decisions requires considering all the consequences of them and especially the costs. Not in dollars but to your life, and those you love. Odds are pretty good you will loose many/most friends & family, perhaps even gainful employment. Passing may be important to you yet difficult. How thick skinned are you?

It can take a long time to sort out your feelings on where you stand today. Knowledge is power. Knowing what to do or try in response to what you learned may be hit & miss. There is a nearly infinite number of options available. Each carry a cost.

The options I tried in response to my GID varied from denial, HRT, experimenting with transition twice to finally settling on lots of diversions and distractions with the occassional need to cross-dress. It worked for 30+ years. The cost? Becoming a non-person leading an essentially joyless life. Would I have been better off following through on one of my transition attempts? Probably not. No way was I emotionally ready or mature enough to face it.

These days I know I am able to face it. Between therapy and especially finding an outstanding TG group in my time of crises changed my life in so many positive ways. If it wasn't for the financial hit I probably would go full-time. However, for now, part-time has made me a real person again. Over-thinking what the future holds has caused way too many WTF freak outs. As I said earlier I never saw, or even thought was possible, the future I am now living.

Victoria, thanks a lot of the reading tips. I've just bought "She's Not There" for my Kobo so I'll be reading that first. I already had read some sections of the TS Roadmap and Second Type, though there's too much material to assimilate in such a short amount of time. Thankfully, I love reading, I'm a bookworm .

But don't worry about me taking other people's experiences as my own. Ever circumstance is different, every person is its own, every experience is personal. I've learned to be able to take some and leave some; to filter out information that's presented to me in a way that makes it easier to digest and understand. I don't take anything at face value, and I don't jump to conclusions easily.

However, I'm also known to be very passionate about things I care about and to get a little enthralled. It's nothing new to me to spend hours every day researching something, reading up, and getting worked up about it. Then, I eventually run out of steam a little and my feet get back on the ground. I can't just turn it off though, I have to let this initial boost run its course. I have plenty of energy to spare and love to give, so don't worry about me hitting rock bottom in a while - whatever happens, I can probably take it standing.

Which brings me to say, Colleen, never hesitate one second to be blunt with me. I don't take offense at this - indeed, it is the one single thing that I think is missing in this world - honesty. Like Billy Joel said, it's a lonely word, it's hardly ever heard, but it's mostly what I need to hear from you (and anyone else in my life). I expect nothing less.

Anyways, this was just a short stop on my way to bed, I had a wonderful date with my wife tonight at our favorite vegetarian place, followed by some tea and baklava, and this weekend is going to be all about us, our daughter, and the house. Time to mow the lawn, take care of the pool, do the groceries and clean up the house (literally).

I'll see you all on the other side of Monday, after my first therapist appointment... :|