... Is the USMC Hymn "The Halls of Montezuma". I've come to a point where I am naturally able to not cry now, whereas before I know I'd be tearing up at least, but this hymn is the one thing that sets me off. I can restrain it to a quivering lip and tears streaming down my face, but otherwise I'd be balling.

It was long a dream of mine to join the USMC, as my father had once been a Marine himself. It's the only part of him that I can continue to respect and it is the one thing I know I want to do. I'm lost in college and work, I know nothing of where I want to be, but I know had I been able to join I could be a better person than I am now and be happy. Before I even had the real thought of being male I imagined myself as a male Marine, in a male uniform. It wasn't until after high school when the thought finally struck me that I realized it couldn't be that way. I would be subject to being female and wearing the female uniform. If there is/was something I could to do to join, I'd go against the wishes of my SO (though not a deal breaker, just a severe concern of hers) and drop my life now to have that life.

I knew a guy who did the Army as female, but I couldn't bring myself to that, especially now. I feel stupid and petty, but my heart flutters and sinks whenever I see the propaganda to join and whenever I hear this song. I want it bad, but I can't give this up either.

I'm really just rambling. So say what you will: comment, concern, agree, disagree. It just feels a little better to have it out there. It'd be even better if someone would let me know they understand.

i hear ya brother i always saw myself following my fathers footsteps as a grunt in the australian army. those types of songs get me going to

My blood family were all military (mostly Navy but also Air Force) and I still have strong feelings about it. I feel rejected and left out, but at the same time I'm proud that I didn't join. It wouldn't have been honest to join as a woman. For me, anyway.

I understand man.  War music touches me. It's hard for me to when I see all the signs of "support our troops" or "thank you for your service" etc. Veteran's day.  It was my dream to join the millitary and to die on the battlefield protecting my country.  I was in NJROTC and I loved it and it was the closest thing I could come to for the millitary.  I thrived in it and it was the only thing I had a true passion for in high school.  A combination of being out of shape, obese, and trans is hwat's keeping me.  Even if I lost the weight and got in shape I still wouldn't join.  That would just mean for me delaying my transition which is something that is being too long delayed.  There's a guy at my church who decided to join the guard.  It's really hard to be around him or any vetreran.  He's a sweet guy but I try to avoid him so my depression about not being able to join won't totally consume me.  My dad was in the Marines and Navy.  I wanted to be in the Army but I would of joined the Navy or Air Force or Coast Guard too.  I wanted to follow in his footsteps and join.  I try to tell myself that no matter what that I will always be a soldier on the inside.  It doesn't help though.

The worst part is I can't really express my feelings like this around others because I know they wouldn't understand.

Sorry for going off on a ramble but t thank you for posting this man.  It really hit my heart.