A few weeks ago I went to a therapist who said she specialized in transgender issues. Well that was a bust. Just a horrible experience in general. She wanted me to be in a year of therapy just so I could go on T. I went on the WPATH website to look up and see the time it says you need for therapy because I knew it wasn't one year. Long story short, I took a long look at the side effects of T. The ones that stuck out where the increase in risk of cancer, and bone density loss. These things scared the crap out of me BIG time. I went in to a big moment of panic and with that moment of panic came the "I can handle not being on T" conversation with myself. As well the "I'm not really trans, I'm just gender fluid blah blah blah". I keep lying to myself and it sucks so bad. I thought I could handle it. And I'm seeing this amazing therapist now who is actually good with me. I told her I didn't want to be on T and that I would just have to deal with things. She is so supportive. But now I don't know how I can handle a life of a big lie. Like I was thinking about everything. And I'm simply not comfortable being called "wife" or "mom". I convince myself that it doesn't matter when I get called "she" or "her" but it isn't true. It bothers me. My mom knows I'm trans and is fully supportive but it does bother me when she does these things because she knows. I had a bad experience with the switching of pronouns in my family and I don't want to re-experience this.

And I'm not "uncomfortable" with my body other than my breasts, but I do feel this sense of hopelessness because I'll never have male genitals. No matter what surgery, it won't ever truly be the same. (For me anyway. I'm totally supportive and glad that other people can get the surgery and feel complete)

I'm starting to think that maybe all of this is just my brain's way of trying to protect me from the fact that it does hurt a lot. I don't know. I don't want to be a woman in men's clothing.

But things scare me and I freak out. Like any little thing. I get scared of dying and it's crazy. The side-effects are the parts that give me "doubt" and make me hesitate.

I guess I see many trans guys who say they have never had doubt and never hesitated and everything was easy for them in terms of seeing who they were. And I feel like the odd man out.

Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this.

i've never had panic about trans related things, other things certainly, so I know what you mean. but honestly, yes there are risks. just like there are risks with aspirin and insulin and cough medicine. you could get cancer. you could also get cancer if you don't go on T. you could get osteoporosis. you probably will when you get older even if you don't go on T.
the way I looked at it was " yea, there are some scarey sounding side effects, but they don't know everything because research is spotty at times, and I know that I'd be more miserable dying of not cancer and having been a girl than possibly dying slightly younger of cancer, but having lived my life as I should have been."
also, that shrink was bogus. try to find another one. if you live is Southern CA, I have one I can recommend. Laura's Playground also has a list of therapists by state.
good luck and let us know if you need anything!

"Has anyone else experienced doubt?"
Most of the time, yes. Especially since I probably am gender fluid (much as I hate to admit it right now) and everyone else's opinion seems to be "I'm not really trans, I'm just gender fluid blah blah blah."

Quote from: Stewie on July 22, 2012, 01:24:46 PM
I guess I see many trans guys who say they have never had doubt and never hesitated and everything was easy for them in terms of seeing who they were. And I feel like the odd man out.

This is a huge source of doubt. The other is the fact that I used to be female and, as so many people ask, how could someone not know if they're a guy? Also dysphoria comes and goes and that little inner voice that says I'm a dude isn't always loud and firm.
I am actually quite to relieved to read that I'm not the only guy with doubts.

Hey Stewie, I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't personally identify with your situation, but I have a close friend that is going through a similar thing as you where he is having a lot of trouble working through his doubts as to whether or not transitioning is right for him. He actually said the same thing to me as you said where he wished it was as easy for him to come to the decision as it was for me. So you're not alone in that, I bet there's a lot of guys that had to do a lot of soul searching and let a lot of time pass before they were able to make a decision one way or the other. Sometimes with my friend I think it is that he worries about it so much and thinks about it all the time and that actually makes it worse for him. He tries to dissect why he has these feelings and what they mean and I think sometimes it makes it more complex and harder to know. I try to tell him to listen to his gut, what he feels is right but is unable to be dissected because it's a feeling, but I don't know if that is the best advice.

As for your concerns of the side effects of T, I think the chances of those two things happening are not very common. I'm pretty sure the cancer part relates to cancer of the "female organs" and if you plan on having those removed eventually, that might not be as much of a concern. If your family has a history of those sorts of cancers that might be a reason to really worry about it. What I think of is all the other things that can cause cancer aside from T, and there are quite a lot and not all of them are things you can avoid, so if it happens it could be for a variety of reasons. I'm not sure if that reasoning would work for you, but that's my thoughts on it. Anyways, since you said you've got a receptive therapist now, definitely talk to her about these things. I hope all goes well.

Quote from: Edge on July 22, 2012, 01:42:34 PM
"Has anyone else experienced doubt?"
Most of the time, yes. Especially since I probably am gender fluid (much as I hate to admit it right now) and everyone else's opinion seems to be "I'm not really trans, I'm just gender fluid blah blah blah."This is a huge source of doubt. The other is the fact that I used to be female and, as so many people ask, how could someone not know if they're a guy? Also dysphoria comes and goes and that little inner voice that says I'm a dude isn't always loud and firm.
I am actually quite to relieved to read that I'm not the only guy with doubts.

Hey Edge! I'm glad you can identify with this...well, I'm sorry that you do! But I'm glad it helps to know you're not alone!

Quote from: henri on July 22, 2012, 01:45:51 PM
Hey Stewie, I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't personally identify with your situation, but I have a close friend that is going through a similar thing as you where he is having a lot of trouble working through his doubts as to whether or not transitioning is right for him. He actually said the same thing to me as you said where he wished it was as easy for him to come to the decision as it was for me. So you're not alone in that, I bet there's a lot of guys that had to do a lot of soul searching and let a lot of time pass before they were able to make a decision one way or the other. Sometimes with my friend I think it is that he worries about it so much and thinks about it all the time and that actually makes it worse for him. He tries to dissect why he has these feelings and what they mean and I think sometimes it makes it more complex and harder to know. I try to tell him to listen to his gut, what he feels is right but is unable to be dissected because it's a feeling, but I don't know if that is the best advice.

As for your concerns of the side effects of T, I think the chances of those two things happening are not very common. I'm pretty sure the cancer part relates to cancer of the "female organs" and if you plan on having those removed eventually, that might not be as much of a concern. If your family has a history of those sorts of cancers that might be a reason to really worry about it. What I think of is all the other things that can cause cancer aside from T, and there are quite a lot and not all of them are things you can avoid, so if it happens it could be for a variety of reasons. I'm not sure if that reasoning would work for you, but that's my thoughts on it. Anyways, since you said you've got a receptive therapist now, definitely talk to her about these things. I hope all goes well.

Henri, thanks. Yes, my therapist is really great. And I will be talking to her. Hopefully she can tell me how to shut my mind off for once and go with my gut! I don't have plans on removing female organs. I don't want to be on hormones for the rest of my life. I'll be happy with a low voice and facial hair. If it wasn't for my breasts/voice, I know people would see me as male.

Meh, most things that I do have risks.. I'd rather risk anomalies than not be on T

@Edge--Genderfluid IS trans. It might not be transsexual (some guys hate that word). I don't know any genderfluid people who (I know) have taken T. But I actually know quite a number of gf people who have adjusted to this. I am guessing if you are really fluid you would not like T, as it would block your female side. Of course, it is still possible you are not fluid, but that it is an adjustment or something.

As for the question, Panic-- no. Confusion, doubt-- yes. Doubt is my new middle name. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

But I think your therapist is full of it. I agree with RS on this one.
Here's the link he was talking about:
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

There are people who will see you online and via Skype if you aren't in a good place for this kind of thing.


--Jay Jay

Quote from: Stewie on July 22, 2012, 01:24:46 PM
A few weeks ago I went to a therapist who said she specialized in transgender issues. Well that was a bust. Just a horrible experience in general. She wanted me to be in a year of therapy just so I could go on T. I went on the WPATH website to look up and see the time it says you need for therapy because I knew it wasn't one year. Long story short, I took a long look at the side effects of T. The ones that stuck out where the increase in risk of cancer, and bone density loss. These things scared the crap out of me BIG time. I went in to a big moment of panic and with that moment of panic came the "I can handle not being on T" conversation with myself. As well the "I'm not really trans, I'm just gender fluid blah blah blah". I keep lying to myself and it sucks so bad. I thought I could handle it. And I'm seeing this amazing therapist now who is actually good with me. I told her I didn't want to be on T and that I would just have to deal with things. She is so supportive. But now I don't know how I can handle a life of a big lie. Like I was thinking about everything. And I'm simply not comfortable being called "wife" or "mom". I convince myself that it doesn't matter when I get called "she" or "her" but it isn't true. It bothers me. My mom knows I'm trans and is fully supportive but it does bother me when she does these things because she knows. I had a bad experience with the switching of pronouns in my family and I don't want to re-experience this.

And I'm not "uncomfortable" with my body other than my breasts, but I do feel this sense of hopelessness because I'll never have male genitals. No matter what surgery, it won't ever truly be the same. (For me anyway. I'm totally supportive and glad that other people can get the surgery and feel complete)

I'm starting to think that maybe all of this is just my brain's way of trying to protect me from the fact that it does hurt a lot. I don't know. I don't want to be a woman in men's clothing.

But things scare me and I freak out. Like any little thing. I get scared of dying and it's crazy. The side-effects are the parts that give me "doubt" and make me hesitate.

I guess I see many trans guys who say they have never had doubt and never hesitated and everything was easy for them in terms of seeing who they were. And I feel like the odd man out.

Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this.

Hey Stewie - actually, I know exactly what you mean. I live every day knowing that my body will never be a functioning male body like I need it to be in my mind. I know that no amount of hormones or surgery will ever satisfy my brain. I'm glad that works for a lot of people but it doesn't work for me. I even tried it. I had convinced myself that if I didn't try it I'd never know if it would be of any help (even though the side effects are something I wasn't cool with and I'm pretty anti-prescription drug in general). The only reason why I did it was because I was able to circumvent a year of therapy, etc. I had seen therapists, yes, but I was able to get T shots directly from the doctor I was seeing (who understood my situation). Well, I don't know if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy in action but that didn't work out at all. It made me feel terrible and I had immediate side effects like high blood pressure, cholesterol increase, hellish mood swings and anger issues ... I felt on a par with how wrong I felt when I was given a form of estrogen when I was a younger. Basically, I had to face the reality that my body was "perfect" the way it was and ANY other hormones just send me off into left field. Sometimes I'm seriously envious of guys on here who get T and it's just this amazing thing for them that makes them feel better. Lucky them. In the 3 years since that's happened I've even looked at other ways to take T (like gel), but I know it will just be wrong. Besides all of that, even if it had worked out for me I would have only taken it long enough to make small changes (like voice drop) and then I would have stopped (and I wouldn't have transitioned anyway), because my personal feelings on being a "slave" to a substance go against everything for me. I don't want to have to rely on prescriptions to look like how I want to look or be the person I really am. And those are my feelings, not anyone else's. I understand most people don't look at it like that. They just see it as a necessary thing - like any other medication. But I just can't. And the fact that it doesn't make me feel good at all just seals the deal for me that it will never work.

So what do I do? Basically I have to deal with the bulk of society treating me like a women. Am I happy about that? No. What counterbalances it? People in my life who understand me and DO see the real me. Believe me, having a "significant other" who sees the real you and loves you regardless of whether your outward appearances matches society's notion of what male is, makes a hell of a lot of difference. To me, it makes ALL the difference really. If I didn't have that and a few select friends that also know, I'd be truly lost.

I really wish I didn't have tits as well but I can't bring myself to endure surgery. It's another thing I actively oppose unless there's an actual disease process going on. Again, this is MY personal opinion that only applies to MY body. I'm hoping that someday I could see it differently, but I'm not placing any bets on it. I hate the fact that binding sucks, that it's not comfortable at all (neither are bras for that matter), that it has the potential to damage my body if I'm not careful and yet it still makes me feel more confident in public. I truly hate that. I hate that I have to rely on "crutches" like that just to feel comfortable ... that I can't just go out into the world, tits and all, and be, "ya know what? f*** you and your notions of gender!" I just am not there. But I have built up a measure of confidence about myself over the years. I've gone through wanting to "end it all". I've been through having a problem with alcohol (which I stupidly thought was a "ticket" out of having to deal with reality). I've been through a lot of s*** in my life and I'm still here and I'm still learning more about myself and how to find comfort and how to be okay with the body I've got. Some days I'm just thankful I'm alive, some days I'm thankful I have a healthy body ... I just try to take it day by day. My imagination definitely helps too. In my head, everything is the way it should be and for a long time I relied on that to get through. It's not a delusion. I'm well aware of what reality is, but it's my own brand of "medication" and it's not like plenty of other people out there (yes, even non-trans people) have a notion of themselves in their head that doesn't exactly match up with reality but gives them courage, confidence ... whatever ... to enrich the reality they live in.

So for me, transition isn't an option. If it were okay to just declare yourself male and be done with it, hell yeah I'd do that. But our society isn't that far along and there's a lot of logistical problems associated with that because of society's rules. So I'm stuck having to be "female", but that's not how I identify. That's not who I am. That's a stupid illusion that most people see and can't see past. But I know the truth, and there's people close to me who know the truth as well.

Quote from: aleon515 on July 22, 2012, 02:12:39 PM
@Edge--Genderfluid IS trans. It might not be transsexual (some guys hate that word). I don't know any genderfluid people who (I know) have taken T. But I actually know quite a number of gf people who have adjusted to this. I am guessing if you are really fluid you would not like T, as it would block your female side. Of course, it is still possible you are not fluid, but that it is an adjustment or something.

As for the question, Panic-- no. Confusion, doubt-- yes. Doubt is my new middle name. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

But I think your therapist is full of it. I agree with RS on this one.
Here's the link he was talking about:
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

There are people who will see you online and via Skype if you aren't in a good place for this kind of thing.


--Jay Jay

Thanks for the link but I have an amazing therapist at the moment. Well, she is a psychiatrist. So I'm really glad I have her. She is an MD so she knows about T and everything. She is awesome. I don't care how long it takes me to get on T at this point. I will just deal with it. But I need to talk to her about everything. It helped so much last time I saw her. My next appointment is in a couple of days so soon I will be able to get things off my chest

Quote from: insideontheoutside on July 22, 2012, 02:18:33 PM
Hey Stewie - actually, I know exactly what you mean. I live every day knowing that my body will never be a functioning male body like I need it to be in my mind. I know that no amount of hormones or surgery will ever satisfy my brain. I'm glad that works for a lot of people but it doesn't work for me. I even tried it. I had convinced myself that if I didn't try it I'd never know if it would be of any help (even though the side effects are something I wasn't cool with and I'm pretty anti-prescription drug in general). The only reason why I did it was because I was able to circumvent a year of therapy, etc. I had seen therapists, yes, but I was able to get T shots directly from the doctor I was seeing (who understood my situation). Well, I don't know if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy in action but that didn't work out at all. It made me feel terrible and I had immediate side effects like high blood pressure, cholesterol increase, hellish mood swings and anger issues ... I felt on a par with how wrong I felt when I was given a form of estrogen when I was a younger. Basically, I had to face the reality that my body was "perfect" the way it was and ANY other hormones just send me off into left field. Sometimes I'm seriously envious of guys on here who get T and it's just this amazing thing for them that makes them feel better. Lucky them. In the 3 years since that's happened I've even looked at other ways to take T (like gel), but I know it will just be wrong. Besides all of that, even if it had worked out for me I would have only taken it long enough to make small changes (like voice drop) and then I would have stopped (and I wouldn't have transitioned anyway), because my personal feelings on being a "slave" to a substance go against everything for me. I don't want to have to rely on prescriptions to look like how I want to look or be the person I really am. And those are my feelings, not anyone else's. I understand most people don't look at it like that. They just see it as a necessary thing - like any other medication. But I just can't. And the fact that it doesn't make me feel good at all just seals the deal for me that it will never work.

So what do I do? Basically I have to deal with the bulk of society treating me like a women. Am I happy about that? No. What counterbalances it? People in my life who understand me and DO see the real me. Believe me, have a "significant other" who sees the real you and loves you regardless of whether your outward appearances matches society's notion of what male is, makes a hell of a lot of difference. To me, it makes ALL the difference really. If I didn't have that and a few select friends that also know, I'd be truly lost.

I really wish I didn't have tits as well but I can't bring myself to endure surgery. It's another thing I actively oppose unless there's an actual disease process going on. Again, this is MY personal opinion that only applies to MY body. I'm hoping that someday I could see it differently, but I'm not placing any bets on it. I hate the fact that binding sucks, that it's not comfortable at all (neither are bras for that matter), that it has the potential to damage my body if I'm not careful and yet it still makes me feel more confident in public. I truly hate that. I hate that I have to rely on "crutches" like that just to feel comfortable ... that I can't just go out into the world, tits and all, and be, "ya know what? f*** you and your notions of gender!" I just am not there. But I have built up a measure of confidence about myself over the years. I've gone through wanting to "end it all". I've been through having a problem with alcohol (which I stupidly thought was a "ticket" out of having to deal with reality). I've been through a lot of s*** in my life and I'm still here and I'm still learning more about myself and how to find comfort and how to be okay with the body I've got. Some days I'm just thankful I'm alive, some days I'm thankful I have a healthy body ... I just try to take it day by day. My imagination definitely helps too. In my head, everything is the way it should be and for a long time I relied on that to get through. It's not a delusion. I'm well aware of what reality is, but it's my own brand of "medication" and it's not like plenty of other people out there (yes, even non-trans people) have a notion of themselves in their head that doesn't exactly match up with reality but gives them courage, confidence ... whatever ... to enrich the reality they live in.

So for me, transition isn't an option. If it were okay to just declare yourself male and be done with it, hell yeah I'd do that. But our society isn't that far along and there's a lot of logistical problems associated with that because of society's rules. So I'm stuck having to be "female", but that's not how I identify. That's not who I am. That's a stupid illusion that most people see and can't see past. But I know the truth, and there's people close to me who know the truth as well.

I understand you 100%. It's scary. I feel like it's an all or nothing deal sometimes. I can't be trans if I can't have T. I know that for some people, it works! And I am SO happy for them. I'm glad they can live life like that. But for me it's becoming an overwhelming reality that I'm just not okay with it. It's either be on T, or live life as a lesbian and that simply doesn't feel right. It used to, but now that they cat is out of the bag, I just can't do this to myself anymore. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could just be happy, but I can't. I know that I could live like that. But I know I wouldn't be truly happy.

Quote from: Stewie on July 22, 2012, 02:25:09 PM
I understand you 100%. It's scary. I feel like it's an all or nothing deal sometimes. I can't be trans if I can't have T. I know that for some people, it works! And I am SO happy for them. I'm glad they can live life like that. But for me it's becoming an overwhelming reality that I'm just not okay with it. It's either be on T, or live life as a lesbian and that simply doesn't feel right. It used to, but now that they cat is out of the bag, I just can't do this to myself anymore. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could just be happy, but I can't. I know that I could live like that. But I know I wouldn't be truly happy.

Yeah I know. I used to think it was "all or nothing" but the reality is that even if someone doesn't refer to you as "he" is shouldn't cast doubt on the person you are. Just like physical sex, I think gender (and various labels applied to it ... trans ... fluid ... etc. etc.) has a LOT of variation. It's not just black and white. Hell most things in life are not black and white. There's a ton of gray area. I definitely fall into the gray area and you most likely do as well. The real trick is telling our brains that is OKAY. You'll waste a lot of years trying to look for the perfect "thing" to call yourself ... I know I did. By psychological definition I'd be trans but that's not how I personally identify either. And trying to fit myself in that box ... to try to find some answers or to feel "normal" wasn't working because I realized early on that there would have only been a certain window in my life where I would have actually transitioned (basically pre-teen). Now, the weight of society is on me and the life I've actually built for myself isn't bad at all. I have a bitchin career, a nice house, people who love me, friends ... transition isn't as important to me. Like I said I still don't like to be referred to as female, but it's like a surface annoyance. I want to LIVE now and I want to live for as long as I can and dicking with my hormones I felt was taking life away from me, not giving me a happier life like it seemed to do for everyone else. I've taken some slack for that too. People have told me, well you're really a chick then if you can't even handle side effects of T. Really harsh stuff. People don't think sometimes when they run their mouths about other people's personal situations. Everyone is on their own personal journey and we're all just trying to find comfort and happiness. And if you're paying attention on these boards, hormones it's the "golden ticket" to happiness. Life throws a lot of crap at you and transition isn't a cure all. You have to experiment. I once saw a person on here that I think came on and really only did one post. They had felt like they were "in the wrong body" their whole life and were living life as a female and one day just went out and bought guy's underwear and that made them feel spectacular. So they integrated a few more males clothes into their wardrobe and that was enough of a boost to just go back out there and live life. I thought that was truly amazing and inspiring that something as seemingly silly as putting on a different pair of underwear could make such a huge difference. But you never know until you try. You may come to a point where you feel you need the hormones as well. Try it, be careful and under a doctor's supervision, and pay close attention to how it makes you feel. If you're only after certain changes, stop when you get them. Taking T for 6 months I don't think would do any permanent damage (even though i couldn't even hold out the 6 months, but I guess my situation is unique).

And hey if you ever want to talk more about it, hit me up on PM.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on July 22, 2012, 02:42:31 PM
Yeah I know. I used to think it was "all or nothing" but the reality is that even if someone doesn't refer to you as "he" is shouldn't cast doubt on the person you are. Just like physical sex, I think gender (and various labels applied to it ... trans ... fluid ... etc. etc.) has a LOT of variation. It's not just black and white. Hell most things in life are not black and white. There's a ton of gray area. I definitely fall into the gray area and you most likely do as well. The real trick is telling our brains that is OKAY. You'll waste a lot of years trying to look for the perfect "thing" to call yourself ... I know I did. By psychological definition I'd be trans but that's not how I personally identify either. And trying to fit myself in that box ... to try to find some answers or to feel "normal" wasn't working because I realized early on that there would have only been a certain window in my life where I would have actually transitioned (basically pre-teen). Now, the weight of society is on me and the life I've actually built for myself isn't bad at all. I have a bitchin career, a nice house, people who love me, friends ... transition isn't as important to me. Like I said I still don't like to be referred to as female, but it's like a surface annoyance. I want to LIVE now and I want to live for as long as I can and dicking with my hormones I felt was taking life away from me, not giving me a happier life like it seemed to do for everyone else. I've taken some slack for that too. People have told me, well you're really a chick then if you can't even handle side effects of T. Really harsh stuff. People don't think sometimes when they run their mouths about other people's personal situations. Everyone is on their own personal journey and we're all just trying to find comfort and happiness. And if you're paying attention on these boards, hormones it's the "golden ticket" to happiness. Life throws a lot of crap at you and transition isn't a cure all. You have to experiment. I once saw a person on here that I think came on and really only did one post. They had felt like they were "in the wrong body" their whole life and were living life as a female and one day just went out and bought guy's underwear and that made them feel spectacular. So they integrated a few more males clothes into their wardrobe and that was enough of a boost to just go back out there and live life. I thought that was truly amazing and inspiring that something as seemingly silly as putting on a different pair of underwear could make such a huge difference. But you never know until you try. You may come to a point where you feel you need the hormones as well. Try it, be careful and under a doctor's supervision, and pay close attention to how it makes you feel. If you're only after certain changes, stop when you get them. Taking T for 6 months I don't think would do any permanent damage (even though i couldn't even hold out the 6 months, but I guess my situation is unique).

And hey if you ever want to talk more about it, hit me up on PM.

I don't plan on taking T for more than a year and a half, or two years at most. And I don't plan on removing anything in the downstairs area because I just don't want to. Health wise, I'm not willing to do more stuff to my body.

As for underwear/clothing. The ONLY women's clothing I wear, are bras. EVERYTHING is male. I don't remember the last time I shopped in the women's section. And it does help somewhat. But I just feel like a girl wearing guys clothing. And so, I know I am gonna need to take it a step further.

I completely respect your decision. I'm glad you have found a way that is right for you

Quote from: aleon515 on July 22, 2012, 02:12:39 PM
@Edge--Genderfluid IS trans. It might not be transsexual (some guys hate that word). I don't know any genderfluid people who (I know) have taken T. But I actually know quite a number of gf people who have adjusted to this. I am guessing if you are really fluid you would not like T, as it would block your female side. Of course, it is still possible you are not fluid, but that it is an adjustment or something.

I would say im both genderfluent and transexual if that makes a point. I know gender-neutral/gender-queer people who are on T and one want to go on E so for me thats not very strange.
---
Steweei:
I know the felling,
Honestly its kinda hard to transition because of those confussing things or worries and all you has to think about,
we all undergo those, I think even the most "sure" transgender person, might had a period where he/she would try live or convince himself, and end up in alot of confussing and distubing..

Personally I had some worries once in a while because unlike many older transguys, I felt I never really was really a girl,
So its like.. I feel like I cant prove myself 100% from hating being a girl if I never really was like that.
sure I been having a female name and so but I was always boyish. never girly.
so I had those "what if I really is a girl but never tried it?" I feel like I cant fully prove it without having it clearly, but on the other hand I dont really feel like going out in a big dress for a time to "try it". maybe it would had been the same if I was living a very girly life and I would had the same worries about "maybe I could had been a girl if I was just allowed to be a tomboy" its not to say.
sure we all need to be somehow sure about things to transition, But generally its a very wierd thing, how do you explain being male or female? for me its just a felling but hard to decribe so I dont blame people for not understanding it either, as well as ourself.
-------
For the healt I been kinda lucky not to worry,
I never felt I going to live long, so I dont worryes so much of the risk.

but I understand your worries, as said if you has alot of people in your famely who had cancer then you might worry,
otherwise cancer is something everyone can get. You might be asked about those if you are to get T,
I was to answer questions of my medical background before I got T, and by that you might also be able to get answer for some of your worries.

Yo Stewie, I'm sorry you going feel the way you do. I can't relate but I do have a friend who is somewhat in your situation. He however takes hormones, but he doesn't want lower surgery and he is comfortable with his body, except for his moobs.

I am exactly opposite of you. I know all the side effects that can happen but hey I'm gonna die one day anyway. After 3 months on T, my glucose, blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, and hematocrit shot through the roof. My cholesterol was over 200, my blood pressure is usually 160/80, heart rate about 110 resting, and now I'm pre-diabetic, hematocrit is about 57%. Before hormones all of my counts were great. I'm supposed to be on medication but oh well.