It's mostly in the morning when I put my AndroGel on... I have like mini freak outs. Like what if I regret this? What if it changes me too much? My girl won't want me, etc. But later I'm so happy about my facial hair or my voice and all.

It sounds like you might need to talk to a therapsit if you're having doubts about your transition and then are fine with it later - perhaps a gender therapist or something?

I have a therapist and I've wanted this since I can remember. I was living as a boy at fourteen... I've been percieved by public as a boy since six years old. I've been out and Brayden for two years. I just don't do well with change, like I'm always scared of change and this is a huge change/adjustment (because you don't know EXACTLY how you're going to change).

I would think it is normal to fear the unknown.

I am totally freaked out, but then I am not so sure I am ftm. I'm even freaked out about the genderqueer stuff. No hormones or anything.

We are gender pirates. This is just big stuff.


--Jay Jay

I have been on T for about 8 months now and I still have moments when I have moments of doubts.  My therapist has said it's perfectly normal.

Quote from: Brayden on July 27, 2012, 11:51:25 AM
It's mostly in the morning when I put my AndroGel on... I have like mini freak outs. Like what if I regret this? What if it changes me too much? My girl won't want me, etc. But later I'm so happy about my facial hair or my voice and all.

you can slow down if you want..

It's easy to look too far ahead, I think. And I think that can make the changes seem more intimidating.

Before T, I'd imagine how I'd feel with the right hormones in me - how I'd feel if I was stronger, how I'd feel with the new hair, etc. I always imagined it feeling drastically different from my current self. And that makes sense, given that my body back then wasn't what I wanted and didn't match how I saw myself. But it still created a sense of mismatch and complete "difference" which was frustrating not only because it was dysphoria-inducing but frustrating because it's hard to keep uo when it just doesn't match where you're at.

Taking it day by day is the easiest thing. Now that I've been on T, I've come to see the testosterone-fuelled me is different, in some ways, but not at all in the ways I expected. Changes like my body hair, and in my face, they do make me feel different and more like myself, but again, not in the way I expected. It comes out of nowhere it seems, but when it does, it's never a shocking change. I just think "hey, here's all this hair...! Yeah, of course, that should have been there all along. " Same thing with emotional changes, they're not at all what I expected but they are totally right.

well, first time i used it I was alitte nervous how it would turn out, special about body hair.
I remember I had a nightmare that I took the gel and I turned into some sort of hairy hulk LOL..

let me get it right, androgel is kinda like testrogel, like.. gell you put on your skin each day?
in that caise, you would not need to worry too much because the changes who happent happent very slowly, and you can stop anytime or change dose to something ells, anytime..

Like what if I regret this?
you stop immidently,

What if it changes me too much?
T takes a long time so if you feel any bad changes who concern you you will have good time to notice, if you pay attention to yourself, Before it changes too much.

My girl won't want me, for this part I cant say anything cause its not in your hands what your girls feel or not.

Initially I was concerned I may behave in a way I wouldn't find comfortable. I was also nervous in the beginning about giving myself injections. But then I became more comfortable than I've been in my entire life& things have been going great.

That's why I haven't started T yet.

I think a lot of people have similar feelings -- a lot of people just don't talk about them publicly for fear of backlash. In reality, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. As long as it's not causing you a great deal of anxiety on a regular basis, I wouldn't worry about having those feelings. If you're constantly thinking those things, then maybe it'd be a good idea to sit down and think things through a little. Remember, you can always stop taking T or lower your dose (with your doctor's consent, of course). You don't have to rush anything.

I started out on a low dose because I didn't want the changes to happen too quickly and I still had those thoughts once in a while. Even when you know that it's something you want, you are still going through mental, emotional, physical, and social changes and you don't know how they're going to affect you until they start to set in. Don't feel obligated to like every effect of T, either. It's fine to like some changes and dislike others. Change in general is just tough for some people. I've had fleeting moments of those feelings too, so I understand what you're getting at.