Hello to everyone! Well, I never thought I would end registering here, but here I am.
I'm just a random 29 year old guy (not sure anymore), and not really confident about what my mind is trying to tell me at the moment. I have always had some sort of fascination for transgender topics since early age, but a week ago everything started to go completely nuts.
Up until now I had lived a nearly secluded life (thanks to my social phobia). Almost no friends, a hobby I used as an excuse to just see the years pass while sitting on the couch, no love life or anything else, just self-loathing. I used to feel like a zombie, unable to confront the life. Two years ago I started to improve by finally setting my foot on a gym and managing to get a more or less decent figure, try to get into a relationship, seek new hobbies and confront my fears. So far, so good.
Let's see how can I put this without harming anybody's feelings or sounding rough... I was watching a few transition pics, and I started to feel really, really weird, so I closed the browser inmediately. The next day I opened it again, and more weird feelings kept coming. Not all of those people started looking feminine, and some of them even reminded me of my own face. My mind was telling me that I should go FTM? Sure, I was adicted to trans porn, but this was completely different, like if a wall had been torn down. This was real people and not something created by the porn industry.
Unable to shake the idea from my head, I kept telling myself that it was impossible, and for each argument my mind decided to do another reply. "You know this has been on your head for a long time. You've been attracted to transgender since you were a kid. You look at your body and you would like to be more effeminate. You were happy when some sort of small breast grew on you. You know that when you were watching that porn, you were thinking that you would like to be like them. Heck, even you have autogynephillia. You even tend to imagine your life as a woman almost daily. Stop lying to yourself."
After four days of anguish and panic, I didn't know what to do. I was scared, like If I had to do a vital decision before it was too late. Too many questions, and my mind was going between "it's bullsh**, snap" and "I have to do it", although I was more and more convinced every time. In the end I booked a date with a therapist to explain her my problems, plus the social phobia issues. "You have thought a lot about it, but there is something that it's still biting you. We need to talk more about it to see if it can be linked to your other problems. If we can't do anything we will have to send you to another therapist"
That was on lasr thursday, and telling it to somebody at least served me as some sort of relief. The problem is that, at this moment my head feels rather clear about it, and If I could, i would start HRT now before I go completely bald. I never had a good image of myself, but now I look at my body and it feels as if everything is wrong. I know that I could never make it with my social phobia (here the treatment cannot be approved if there is another mental illness), so I'm trying to fight it with all my might.
And that's everything I can say about myself for the moment... I cannot wait for my next visit to the therapist, and in the meantime I keep reading about skin care, make up, and I just bought my first wig (couldn't resist, I need to know how I would look with long hair). I still have lots of questions, and I hope I will be able to find a bit of counseling here...
