It's been a while since I've frequented the boards around here... but I've realized that I found Susan's around a year ago, when I first came out to my parents as trans, and have realized that in the span of that year, I've basically gotten nowhere in gaining my parents' acceptance, let alone coming anywhere close to any sort of transition through hormones or even therapy.

From around July of last year until September, I had been attending weekly sessions with a counselor. She was nice enough and very accepting, but there were more than a few problems. Firstly, she had little to no knowledge about anything trans related and I was her first transgender patient. Basically, I was telling her all about what being transgender was and how I felt rather than her helping me through anything and without her being able to tell my parents about transgender issues from a professional's perspective and with a professional's experience. Since that September, there was little talk in my house about my gender identity. My parents ultimately pushed it away and ignored it unless I brought it up, which would subsequently lead to arguing and a whole mess of feelings for me.

Without my parents' knowledge, I began going by male pronouns and using a male name at school. Yes, it was dishonest but I couldn't live with having to act as female anymore. I felt better; it felt right to use my name and be referred to with male pronouns. There were occasional slip ups, but no students ever accused me of being transgender or acted in any violent way toward me. The teacher that was most helpful with my personal problems at school was my photography teacher, Judy. She listened when I brought up any problem with her and attempted to support me as best she could.

It was also Judy who urged me to talk to a social worker at school to get in touch with a gender therapist in the area. Prior to this, my parents and I had been to my physician to talk about my gender identity. My doctor has a lot of experience with trans patients and has published a few journals and a book (I think) concerning transgender people.

Finally, after this, I was able to go to a legitimate gender therapist. Ironically, she was the therapist I requested to see one year ago when I came out to my parents. I've only been to two sessions, but so far Dr. Zager is a very kind woman and has decades of experience with trans patients. In these two sessions, however, it's been brought to my attention that my parents are still far from acceptance. My mother's set on the notion that I'm just a lesbian and who knows what my father thinks of it all.

I just don't see how either of them can claim that they "understand what" I'm "going through" when they're both so ignorant and after many of the things that they've said during our "discussions" and arguments about my gender identity. I'm just fed up with the way that they've been acting toward me and how they give absolutely no consideration to how it kills me inside every time they turn a blind eye or simply refuse to believe me.

To make matters worse, my brother is home for the summer from college and I haven't come out to him yet. I don't know how to or how my parents would react.

All around, I just feel like I'm in a vicious cycle of a bad situation and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand to put up with it and my mindset without resorting to old coping mechanisms.

It sucks when others are pulling the strings on your life. But you are making progress. I know how frustrating it must seem. I had to go through similar restraints with my family and I was a fully autonomous adult!

Just mark the progress you have made. Work with your parents. Listen to your analyst. She will be your best advocate. Understand that. It sounds like she understands these issues. I was in my late twenties and I needed a thearpist to talk to my parents. Yes. So don't despair, you ARE making progress.

Chin up!

Cindi

Keep working with the therapist you have now, she sounds like a good one to have. I would also recommend asking for more frequent sessions while you are going through a lot. Being about to talk about things more with her will give you a better chance against going back to coping mechanisms.

If you can manage to talk to your brother about everything and he turns out to be understanding, he could be a strong ally when dealing with your parents. Consider that benefit, weigh it against how much you trust him, and talk it over with your therapist.

Keep being patient. Once you reach legal age, things will hopefully become easier.

The biggest progress anyone can ever make is to even start being happy in some way, so don't worry about your progress towards hormones and surgery if that's what you want. But you mentioned that you started using male pronouns and name at school and how that's made you feel better at school. I'd say that's huge progress! It takes a lot of courage to start living as your authentic self, having to deal with the uncertainty of how people will react and so on. But sounds like the response has been pretty positive at school, which is great!

Sounds like you have at least two good advocates in your life right now. I don't know where you live, but I would suggest trying to find a trans support group in your area. Cis therapists and counselors and such can be good for some people as far as trying to figure out how to communicate with your parents and so on, but I think communicating irl in a support group setting with other trans youth would be of immense value to you. That way you're talking with people face to face (which can be different than online, imo) who might be going through the same things you are, who might be able to suggest better strategies for communicating with your parents.

This too shall pass. The beginning always takes awhile. In the past what helped me was focusing on the knowledge I had the rest of my life to get what I wanted, and that I was going in the right direction to get it, however slowly. It sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders. Your post is very rational, and intelligent. You have what it takes to face a challenge. So hang in there, I know you'll win.