Please excuse me if I have this thread under the wrong sub-forum. This is my first post and I need some urgent advice.

I suffered from depression for the past six years and I'm under medication right now. I was completely clueless on who I was and what I wanted to do in life. My psychiatrist believes I have severe anxiety which led to my depression. With the medication, my future seems more clear and less hopeless. I feel that I have that issue sorted out.  Previously, when I was depressed I wasn't interested in relationships whether of a, sexual, romantic or even friendly nature. As a defense mechanism to my chronic loneliness, I wanted nobody in my life because I coped by mentally pushing them away. I was always shy, meek and introverted as a child, I still am very much today. I don't have any close friends to talk to or any form of social networking. I preferred to be isolated from society left in my own anxious thoughts. My psychiatrist said that I should meet new people in order to build the social skills I lack.

However, there was another problem. I was having an identity crisis, I didn't even know who I was anymore; depression had swooped in and left me a broken person.
Alone in my thoughts again, I wondering about my sexual preference to determine who I am. I was thinking about this deeply and then came the anxious thoughts. I began to question and doubt who I was as a person, my sexual preference and even my own gender identity. I was clouded, confused and didn't know if I was gay or straight, or even in between. I came to the conclusion that I am polysexual. What gender I identified as was even more troubling to me.

It gets even more complicated from here. I began questioning my gender identity. I was always curious on what it would be like to be a transgender woman but I thought it out and it's not who I am. I pulled out a tape measure (for body dimensions) and did some online tests and research. I know these are just online tests and not to be taken too seriously, but it still conveys a point to some degree. The results were beginning to piece together like a puzzle.
I read these two pages:
http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Androgyne
http://androgyne.0catch.com/

And it all made sense as a wave of complete understanding and relief washed over me. After feeling clueless and out of place my whole life, I finally found something that described me best; the gender dysphoria ceased. I am a feminine male androgyne.

But then anxiety and uncertainty returned; the endless repetitive cycle of introspection, contemplation, and then a conclusion of uncertainty which would lead my thoughts back to where they started. It kept me thinking if it was really who I am, or was it just all inside my head, or was I just so empty and lonely after recovering from depression, or was it because that I dislike myself so much, that I want to change myself. The answer is: "I don't know." I felt that I was comfortable with my born sex; I don't want breasts or my penis/testicles removed. I suppose that I have a suppressed feminine side I desperately want to express with makeup and some more feminine clothing. But I'm not sure; I am just deluding myself so that I can finally fit in with something? Am I doing it just to look pretty and live under a "label?"

I'm so anxious about this, it keeps on repeating in my head. Sometimes, I feel at peace with finally understanding and accepting who I really am. The other times, I'm doubting myself again. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in about 12 hours. I feel like I'm ready to look into gender therapy on hopes of verifying who I am to remove these feelings of uncertainty.  I'm just so conflicted internally about this, I haven't slept well for three days. I don't know what to believe anymore, I'm hopelessly lost. Please respond.

There are as many genders as there are people on the planet in my opinion, so what ever works for you is good.  You can always change the label tomorrow anyway. 

I have a good friend who is involved with support groups who is FtM, but decided not to change their body at all, but change society instead. 

Your psych should be able to help you sort things out, and help you start to rebuild your new identity.   I started transition after a major mental collapse left me feeling like I had no self-identity at all, and I had to rebuild myself from scratch.  It really does get better, as they say.

Karen.

Thank you very much for the reply.

I'm very afraid of becoming something I'm not. I feel that I should slow down and let the rebuilding my identity take its course. It's going to be a really difficult journey and I'll probably doubt and question myself regularly. However, it bothers me as much as I let the issue bother me and should accept it and move on to focus on the many obstacles that lie ahead. 

Everything worries me though, it's not easy for someone like me to explain these sort of issues. I'm afraid that people such as my parents, or psychiatrist wouldn't be as understanding as people who have faced these issues themselves. Yesterday, was the start of a brand new month so I decided to make August gym month. It's not going to be easy telling my parents or my gym trainer that the reason why I want to lose weight (only about 15 pounds) is to make myself more slender and feminine looking, haha. If anything arises (oh, and it sure will, I predict) I'll be sure to lurk or post in the forums some more.

Any kind of input is appreciated; typing out responses slowly helps organize my many thoughts.

Welcome to Susan's, Randall.

I hope this turns out to be a safe place for you to work out what kind of future is right for you.

In the months since I've joined, I've learned an awful about myself, my gender identity, and the incredibly diverse spectrum of gender experiences across the world. People here have been very supportive and honest (with only very occasional exceptions).

Your desire to be more feminine and slender looking is one that I've felt throughout my life. For me, thin has always meant feminine whereas heavy has meant male and bulky. I had an eating disorder when I was younger hinging on that issue (a course I would not recommend).

I understand your concerns about your psychiatrist not being understanding of gender issues.

If your psychiatrist is not understanding of your gender issues, change psychiatrists. You deserve someone who knows how important it is to let you be you. Parents are tougher - you'll need to educate them, which means getting as much information as you can. Hopefully, you've come to the right place for that.
 
Good luck, Randall.

Few of us are ever 100% sure, and I think those who are probably need to be shaken up a litte.  (Comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable...)

For me, the anxiety of not knowing settled down with the realization that I am dynamic rather than static, and the reference points I could use to describe myself aren't really so fixed either.  More like a ship with a sea anchor than one moored to a dock (if that's the right terminology).  To quote Popeye, "I am what I am."