I wish I knew for sure whether I really identify as a woman.

Reasons why I might identify as a woman:
* Since my teen years, I've wanted to be a woman.
* I am envious of my MtF friends who take on female names, develop breasts, and pass as women.
* I am having an evaluation in a couple months by a psychologist who is an expert on gender identity. I'm finding myself hoping he'll tell me I should present as a woman.
* All the books, music, and movies I love, that are directed at females.
* I'm not really comfortable having male friends, or even being around groups of males.
* I love my feminine traits and tolerate my male traits.
* When I watch pornography, I always find myself wishing I were the woman in the clip/story.
* I really, really, want to try presenting female despite the extreme awkwardness it would cause. I literally can't stop thinking about it.
* I think I'd really like myself as a woman.

Reasons why I might not be:
* I never felt female. Still don't.
* Never had the slightest urge to crossdress until I considered presenting female.
* Don't hate my male parts.
* Do feel male some of the time.
* Don't want to go through SRS.
* Don't want to take HRT
* Am mildly uncomfortable at the idea of wearing dresses, skirts or a stuffed bra.

I'm finding myself envious when I read MtFs say they knew from childhood that they were really female. That kind of certainty eludes me. Whatever brand of Transgender I was blessed with is not making itself easy to define.

Anyone else wrestled or is wrestling with a similar set of contradicting circumstances? How did you resolve it?

Heh. You know my answer. Yeah, I'm going through a similar thing from the other assigned gender. Although I want to be male, I do feel female sometimes and I thought I was female until recently. I don't know how to resolve it especially since I(male) do want to take hormones and get chest surgery.

have you ever tried going out as a woman? If you feel strange and uncomfortable then you might be more content as male.  I personally feel like myself - not shy or awkward in any sort. I know it can be hard to figure out your own feelings. I never felt miserable as a male but I do feel more comfortable as a girl.

best of luck sorting things out

Cut and dry "you have to transition" as an answer doesn't always happen. I would think that most have some rational doubts approaching the subject anyway. Well maybe I shouldn't say that because I have no idea about anyone else, but I know that I did. I was lucky enough to know for sure who I was from my teens. I chose to hide it, like many. I didn't get over my doubts about the success and feasibility of the prospect until I was in my twenties when I got to the point where I couldn't bare it anymore and I was 'broken' so to speak. Best thing that ever happened. Do I kick myself because I didn't do anything sooner? Sometimes, but the only reason that I'm who I am is because I went through all that crap so I can't say it was all for naught. I mean, I kinda like me. Your answer is in you. Even if it is hard to see clearly, it's there and you'll figure it out. There are plenty of people who are going to be willing to lend you their advice while you're on your way there if you need it too, remember that

Quote from: agfrommd on August 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM
* I am having an evaluation in a couple months by a psychologist who is an expert on gender identity. I'm finding myself hoping he'll tell me I should present as a woman.

Having someone tell you would certainly make it easy, but the answer has to come from inside you. I don't think that anyone is going to tell you go forward or don't; if they do then I would find their 'expertise' highly questionable. I am hoping for you that he will help you find the right answer for you when you get to the appointment though

Quote from: agfrommd on August 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM
* I really, really, want to try presenting female despite the extreme awkwardness it would cause. I literally can't stop thinking about it.

Go for it! I support it 100,000%   The first few times out can be very strange and uncomfortable around others, and there's nothing wrong with that; doesn't make you any more or less of one thing and it's natural to feel awkward about it. The world doesn't end either way, but going out may help you develop further some of your feelings.


Best of luck regardless

Quote from: agfrommd on August 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM
I wish I knew for sure whether I really identify as a woman.


* I'm not really comfortable having male friends, or even being around groups of males.
* I love my feminine traits and tolerate my male traits.

Reasons why I might not be:
* I never felt female. Still don't.
* Never had the slightest urge to crossdress until I considered presenting female.
* Don't hate my male parts.
* Do feel male some of the time.
* Don't want to go through SRS.
* Don't want to take HRT
* Am mildly uncomfortable at the idea of wearing dresses, skirts or a stuffed bra.

It was always other men that were uncomfortable with me They would say "Why are you telling me these things? " You ask to many personal questions" ect .
I'm eager to cross dress but i would want to relay look good. Need to lose weight and grow out hair.
I am enjoying the feminine aspects of nuturiting. I'm taking care of myself. i have picture perfect nail rather than bitten chewed up, bleeding. Lost 15 lbs, cut drinking 80%. And i love to cook.
I like my male parts too. Don't think i would like closing the libido dept with E.
I wore woman's cloths out for the first time this week. Short shorts and a tank top. I felt naked!! Both scary and exciting. i loved the way the top felt even though i looked like a salami.

the easy answer is:


I am what I am.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 03, 2012, 10:55:25 AM
the easy answer is:


I am what I am.

Well, once you understand that the problem becomes trying to define it for everyone else.  Keep in mind most probably won't 'get it'.

Okay Popeye, though I think it's "I yam what I yam".



Anyway, of course you know what I might say too. But I feel a bit of mixed thing going on. I do, in fact, have a history that is probably shared by a lot of trans people.


Of course my stuff is going the other way but I don't want top surgery (well if it woudl be painless and so on) at least at this point. I don't like to bind as it hurts. I don't particularly get along with groups of guys (not sure re: groups of gals either to be honest).


--Jay Jay

I feel the same

As a bigendered bio-male everything you said sounds very familiar.

Quote from: agfrommd on August 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM
* I really, really, want to try presenting female despite the extreme awkwardness it would cause. I literally can't stop thinking about it.

I once thought this way too. I was reading some old entries in my journal and i could see a progression from "I'll never dress en femme" to "i'm thinking about dressing en femme" to "I present en femme inside" to "I went out en femme" over a period of about two years. I was driven by my female side to do it and the urge became overwhelming, so I finally did it. Like you I could not stop thinking about it. Being out en femme for the first time was both very scary and....... liberating .........

Why not allow yourself to present as female in a private, safe place and see what happens? It may be an issue of acceptance of your feminine side that's at work here.

Quote from: agfrommd on August 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM

I really, really, want to try presenting female despite the extreme awkwardness it would cause. I literally can't stop thinking about it.

Have you tried to find a local CD/TS group?  May of them meet regularly and some times go to local gay bars.  Good outlet for those first few exploratory excursions.

I came across a lot of youtube videos titled "Not Trans Enough" with the message that there is no such thing as "trans enough." They're ftm's but I think it's the same anyway since many of them don't want to change their bodies.

Quote from: Violet Bloom on August 03, 2012, 11:37:53 AM
Well, once you understand that the problem becomes trying to define it for everyone else. Keep in mind most probably won't 'get it'.

This is probably true but in my experience where you live and what kind of people you surround yourself with makes a huge difference. Also, while people my not get it when you come out it might make more sense to them as you start changing. A friend of my roommate at the time when I came out heard about me and had told my roommate that she did not get it. She knew me somewhat but just couldn't picture it. About 4 months later she came by our place and when she saw me it all made sense and she got it.

Quote from: agfrommd on August 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM
I wish I knew for sure whether I really identify as a woman.

Reasons why I might identify as a woman:
* Since my teen years, I've wanted to be a woman.
* I think I'd really like myself as a woman.

Reasons why I might not be:
* I never felt female. Still don't.

"You always wanted to be a woman" and "really like your self as a woman" because you have "always felt female"

What you are going through, my dear AG, is a precess of rediscovery and a revolution against years of indoctrination and oppression.


Many have gone through a journey similar to you which at the end always leads to the eventual total acceptance

Quote from: MariaMx on August 04, 2012, 09:41:22 AM
This is probably true but in my experience where you live and what kind of people you surround yourself with makes a huge difference. Also, while people my not get it when you come out it might make more sense to them as you start changing. A friend of my roommate at the time when I came out heard about me and had told my roommate that she did not get it. She knew me somewhat but just couldn't picture it. About 4 months later she came by our place and when she saw me it all made sense and she got it.

I'm personally not worried about it too much.  The same thing goes for a number of other things in life - some people are just impossible to educate.  Generally these individuals aren't worth wasting much energy on.

BTW, I love your current avatar - it is so wacky-awesome!  I gather it suits you quite neatly.

Quote from: Violet Bloom on August 04, 2012, 10:20:44 AM
I'm personally not worried about it too much.  The same thing goes for a number of other things in life - some people are just impossible to educate.  Generally these individuals aren't worth wasting much energy on.

You are right, worrying about these things makes little difference. These things can't be controlled anyway so it is what it is. Some however have to deal with more troublesome people than others. An online friend of mine had tremendous problems with other people, I've had hardly any problems at all and most everyone I've met that know thinks what I've done is super cool. I always chalked it up to living in a very liberal and modern society where religion and old traditional values have very little influence, but I may just have been lucky.


In my experience transitioning isn't always as big a deal as we often fear it will be. The thing I came to realize was that I seemed to have more negative feelings about my condition than most everyone else. I sort of have a family in the US that I lived with for a few years in my teens. 5 years ago I went to visit them unannounced after 15 years of no communication. Knocking on their door I was so nervous about what would happen. I was really afraid they wouldn't take well to my transformation. At first I had a really hard time explaining to them who I was, but when they finally got it they were just happy to see me and things were as old times no questions asked. It was quiet weird actually that they seemed totally unfazed and not the least bit curious about me suddenly being a woman with a husband to boot. It was almost as if they didn't even notice.

Quote
BTW, I love your current avatar - it is so wacky-awesome!  I gather it suits you quite neatly.

Thank you, and yes. I made it all by myself 

Quote from: agfrommd on August 02, 2012, 08:59:27 PM

Reasons why I might not be:
* I never felt female. Still don't.
* Never had the slightest urge to crossdress until I considered presenting female.
* Don't hate my male parts.
* Do feel male some of the time.
* Don't want to go through SRS.
* Don't want to take HRT
* Am mildly uncomfortable at the idea of wearing dresses, skirts or a stuffed bra.

I'm finding myself envious when I read MtFs say they knew from childhood that they were really female. That kind of certainty eludes me. Whatever brand of Transgender I was blessed with is not making itself easy to define.

Ultimately I don't think it really matters. I too worried about some of these things in the beginning. When I started my transition I felt there was this trans-standard that I had to live up to. In some aspects I did, but in others I did not. For instance, I never had an intense hatred for my male parts and didn't distinctly know I was female from an early age. As transition and life progressed on however I have come to the conclusion that to me it no longer matters. I no longer care if I transitioned for the right or the wrong reasons. It was the best thing I ever did and I'm actually happy now, and in the end that's all that matters.


As for feeling female, I'm not even sure I know what that means. I am what I am and I feel like I'm me, so I guess that's what feeling female is like.

Hey Agfrommd,

There are more people like us out there, people that just don't know, or never had any "signs". There are also loads of Transsexuals who also didn't know from a young age. I still haven't figured out what to do but i'm taking it one day at a time. Every day a little further, exploring a little more. The thing is being "Gender Queer' or Transgender is a spectrum. My advice would be to do what your heart desires, not what the doctor tells you.

I never felt "female" either. I just felt.. me. There are more than just the stereotypical women who like pink, ponies and make up. That you never really had the urge to crossdress could make sense too, not every woman likes skirts and heels.

Thanks everyone for such wonderful replies. I'd sum up what I've learned as universally encouraging to explore further.

Quote from: xxchristina22 on August 02, 2012, 09:31:54 PM
have you ever tried going out as a women?

I'm not there yet, but I'm kind of feeling that's the next step. It's going to be expensive and time consuming to reach a point where I pass well enough to show my female mug in public, so I'm trying to build up as much personal conviction as I can that it's the right thing.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 04, 2012, 09:32:08 AM
Have you tried to find a local CD/TS group? 

Yes. They've been really helpful and supportive, though maybe that's part of the problem. They're all so certain that their transition is / will be / has been the right thing, that it's hard for me to tell which of their experiences really apply to me.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Quote from: Edge on August 04, 2012, 09:41:02 AM
I came across a lot of youtube videos titled "Not Trans Enough" with the message that there is no such thing as "trans enough." They're ftm's but I think it's the same anyway since many of them don't want to change their bodies.

Edge, you have no idea how much it helps to hear this. Thanks.

Quote from: Violet Bloom on August 03, 2012, 11:37:53 AM
Well, once you understand that the problem becomes trying to define it for everyone else.  Keep in mind most probably won't 'get it'.

You know, V.B., of all the things I'm chewing over, this is something that I'm finding I'm not very concerned about. I'm confident enough that if someone is open minded and hears me out, I probably could come up with ways to explain it. Being a teacher has its benefits!

Thanks for the warning.

Quote from: peky on August 04, 2012, 09:48:23 AM
"You always wanted to be a woman" and "really like your self as a woman" because you have "always felt female"

Peky, I really, really, really, want to buy what you're selling. I hope you turn out to be right, but as of yet, haven't been able to duplicate your certainty.

Quote from: riven1 on August 04, 2012, 08:07:03 AM
Being out en femme for the first time was both very scary and....... liberating .........

That would be amazing.

Before I say anything else, I have a question which may seem like nothing to do with anything, but your answer will tell me a lot about the kind of person you are - and... well, who knows.

Okay, imagine a room, decorated with all manner of interesting furniture, paintings and ornaments. On one wall of this room is a big, full-length window. Outside this window is a vast forest, teeming with life, beneath a vibrant blue sky.

Now, where would you place yourself? Would you be inside the room, looking out of the window - watching the wildlife darting through the trees, the faint wisps of cloud drifting across the sky, wishing you could feel the warm breeze on your face? Or would you be outside the room, looking in the window at the decor, the placement of the furniture and wondering what kind of person lived in it?