Hi  This is my first post, but I have done hours, maybe even days of searching the internet on the subject of male to female transitioning. I have read countless posts on Susan's and Laura's playground etc. I just want to give some info on where I come from, and where I am in life now.   Since I was 12-13 years old I became aware of feeling different inside. I remember at nursery school playing with the girls, and having a girl as a best friend. I was also a very shy kid. I started dressing up, and fantasizing about becoming female at 12-13 years old. When I got to high school, my sister got terribly sick, and as such, my parents were hardly there. My sister survived, but is unfortunately handicapped to this day. My parents have to look after her forever. Out of 3 siblings I had the pressure on me as being the normal one that could make them proud. My brother has given my parents plenty of grey hair (don't even want to get into all the details), and actually still do, years later. They are still looking after my sister.   So basically from a very young age I realized that I have deeply feminine feelings, and felt that I was transsexual. From age 13 I would go through periods of trying my best to be normal, and shake off these feelings, and falling back into feminine bliss, dreaming about being female. As I gather, a lot of transgender people have this guilt feeling. I am not the type of person that anybody in my young life would guess to be gay, or transsexual or anything. I did have a better, more glowing looking skin than most boys, and at age 17 I could have transitioned, and have passed as quite a hot looking woman. I remember a girl telling me that I must come to her house, since she wants to dress me up, since she thinks I'll look good in a dress!! I did not go, as I was too scared of a story starting, and spreading in school. Anyway, at a young age I just could not get it over my heart to hurt my parents after my sister's problems.   I never felt much like having sex with women like other men. I hardly ever fantisized about it, although I tried sometimes. At the times that I felt guilty about myself, I tried my best to be a normal guy, and did it pretty well. At a stage I even tried building some muscle, so that I could try and fit in better. I hoped that maybe it was something that would go away when I get older.  I stayed a virgin until I was 26! That is when I met my wife, and she is the only one thus far. In the 6 years with her I still had these feelings. I would go for 2 weeks feeling so feminine, and treating my skin like gold, shaving and doing anything feminine I can possibly do. Closer to our marriage it became even longer (like a month at a time in fem mode thinking).  There is so much more I could tell about my trans feelings etc. I scored 395 on Cogiati for instance.. I have researched everything about hormones etc. I do not even look close to 32 years old. I work for a big cosmetics company. My wife is very relaxed with me always creaming myself up, and masking etc. She probably thinks it is just metrosexual. She has let it drop on the odd ocasion (like seeing a transsexual on tv) that she will not be able to put up if I ever had to do something like that. Secretly I'm hoping she would though.   Recently I just could not stand it anymore.. I love my wife, and I will always love her soul. I ordered estrogel, and spironolactone. A little while ago I went on the spiro for about 2 weeks. I stopped, because on the odd ocasion that me and her would have sex, it made me struggle to perform. I was not going to take the E, because I was still smoking. Now I stopped, and started exercising (bombshell body workout). I have been on the E since Thursday last week. We have a blood pressure monitor, and that is perfect (118/85 , heart rate 75). I am taking aspirin daily just to be safe. I absolutely LOVE the feelings I am getting from the E, and know that this is so what I was supposed to be. My nipples are already becoming much more sensitive. I do not want to develop my breasts too much, since that would be difficult to hide (although I sooo wish that I could). I think I should stay on the E a little while longer, and when serious breast development start, force myself to quit ;-( . If I quit, at least maybe I'll stay a bit more feminized. That is at least something..  I know exactly what you girls are going to say!! Never self medicate!! Do not play around with hormones! I know, but I have no other options! I just have to feel a bit of feminity. All my sexual feelings lie in me being female. I am in an impossible situation.. The last few days have been the happiest in my life though. I  hate to age like a man. I cannot stand getting wrinkled, and having to neglect myself to fit in, and having a receding hairline, and having to use male cologne, and not being able to paint my nails.   Sorry for the long post. I wish I could write everything that I actually want to say. I just want to share my experience for once in my life with people that are similar to me. I have read loads of stories from other girls on here.  Thanks for anyone reading, and any replies! 

Hi Justine - and welcome! I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling very happy with your results.

That sure seems like a minefield, in not sharing with your wife... I will be crossing my fingers for you, that she responds in the way that you secretly hope. I too would love it if my lady threw herself behind my desire to take things to a further level; but until (if ever)I have that blessing it just won't happen.

Best of luck!

Hugs - Sadie

Quote from: Justine on August 01, 2012, 05:10:47 PM
Hi  This is my first post, but I have done hours, maybe even days of searching the internet on the subject of male to female transitioning. I have read countless posts on Susan's and Laura's playground etc. I just want to give some info on where I come from, and where I am in life now.   Since I was 12-13 years old I became aware of feeling different inside. I remember at nursery school playing with the girls, and having a girl as a best friend. I was also a very shy kid. I started dressing up, and fantasizing about becoming female at 12-13 years old. When I got to high school, my sister got terribly sick, and as such, my parents were hardly there. My sister survived, but is unfortunately handicapped to this day. My parents have to look after her forever. Out of 3 siblings I had the pressure on me as being the normal one that could make them proud. My brother has given my parents plenty of grey hair (don't even want to get into all the details), and actually still do, years later. They are still looking after my sister.   So basically from a very young age I realized that I have deeply feminine feelings, and felt that I was transsexual. From age 13 I would go through periods of trying my best to be normal, and shake off these feelings, and falling back into feminine bliss, dreaming about being female. As I gather, a lot of transgender people have this guilt feeling. I am not the type of person that anybody in my young life would guess to be gay, or transsexual or anything. I did have a better, more glowing looking skin than most boys, and at age 17 I could have transitioned, and have passed as quite a hot looking woman. I remember a girl telling me that I must come to her house, since she wants to dress me up, since she thinks I'll look good in a dress!! I did not go, as I was too scared of a story starting, and spreading in school. Anyway, at a young age I just could not get it over my heart to hurt my parents after my sister's problems.   I never felt much like having sex with women like other men. I hardly ever fantisized about it, although I tried sometimes. At the times that I felt guilty about myself, I tried my best to be a normal guy, and did it pretty well. At a stage I even tried building some muscle, so that I could try and fit in better. I hoped that maybe it was something that would go away when I get older.  I stayed a virgin until I was 26! That is when I met my wife, and she is the only one thus far. In the 6 years with her I still had these feelings. I would go for 2 weeks feeling so feminine, and treating my skin like gold, shaving and doing anything feminine I can possibly do. Closer to our marriage it became even longer (like a month at a time in fem mode thinking).  There is so much more I could tell about my trans feelings etc. I scored 395 on Cogiati for instance.. I have researched everything about hormones etc. I do not even look close to 32 years old. I work for a big cosmetics company. My wife is very relaxed with me always creaming myself up, and masking etc. She probably thinks it is just metrosexual. She has let it drop on the odd ocasion (like seeing a transsexual on tv) that she will not be able to put up if I ever had to do something like that. Secretly I'm hoping she would though.   Recently I just could not stand it anymore.. I love my wife, and I will always love her soul. I ordered estrogel, and spironolactone. A little while ago I went on the spiro for about 2 weeks. I stopped, because on the odd ocasion that me and her would have sex, it made me struggle to perform. I was not going to take the E, because I was still smoking. Now I stopped, and started exercising (bombshell body workout). I have been on the E since Thursday last week. We have a blood pressure monitor, and that is perfect (118/85 , heart rate 75). I am taking aspirin daily just to be safe. I absolutely LOVE the feelings I am getting from the E, and know that this is so what I was supposed to be. My nipples are already becoming much more sensitive. I do not want to develop my breasts too much, since that would be difficult to hide (although I sooo wish that I could). I think I should stay on the E a little while longer, and when serious breast development start, force myself to quit ;-( . If I quit, at least maybe I'll stay a bit more feminized. That is at least something..  I know exactly what you girls are going to say!! Never self medicate!! Do not play around with hormones! I know, but I have no other options! I just have to feel a bit of feminity. All my sexual feelings lie in me being female. I am in an impossible situation.. The last few days have been the happiest in my life though. I  hate to age like a man. I cannot stand getting wrinkled, and having to neglect myself to fit in, and having a receding hairline, and having to use male cologne, and not being able to paint my nails.   Sorry for the long post. I wish I could write everything that I actually want to say. I just want to share my experience for once in my life with people that are similar to me. I have read loads of stories from other girls on here.  Thanks for anyone reading, and any replies! 

first off welcome to the forums Justine!

I can totally relate to your life experience. Im not married but have been with my gf for 7 years now. Our relationship is complicated and I know she accepts me as a girl to an extent but she also wants me to be her boyfriend. We go shopping together, occasionally to clubs, and even to the womens restroom together. I too have been taking estrogen but the herbal kind since I want only slight feminine results. I havent told her that im taking estrogen because im afraid she wont accept me in the sense that I'm 'going to far'.

did you tell her wife about the hrt? Id like to hear more 

 Hi sweetie, and welcome.

What I see as the overwhelming theme/issue in your life thus far is your compulsion to attempt to please everyone and anyone but yourself.  First it was your parents and now it's your wife.  (How about your former schoolmates and the company you work for?)  IMAO: ultimately, the only one a person can please is her or his self and the only one someone can be is who they truly are.  That's merely one person's opinion.

Just how much you have invested in pleasing others and whether it is necessary and worth it to you to largely live your entire life this way—of course only you can make that call. 

There are questions which would mitigate and complicate your situation (desiring children, etc.) that one might ask ....but this is certainly only your business. 

Whatever you do, you have my warmest well wishes.

You and I are in the same boat.

Hi Justine! I am very new here too. I just wanted to say that your situation with your wife sounds very much like mine, accept that I just recently came out to my wife. Before I came out to her, she used to say the same things about not being able to put up with it. Right now she's back and forth with accepting it--some days she does, others she still gets very upset. Overall she's been very supportive, but I still have not begun the hormones yet and it definitely worries me that it may be too much for her before too long. But for me this is something I have become absolutely sure of. Your experience with estrogen makes me even more excited to begin.  Its difficult, but I agree with patstar, at some point you have to make sure YOUR happiness is a priority too, not just everyone else's, even though the selflessness can also be a beautiful quality. I wish for the best for you and your wife. I hope you two can both be happy and remain together. I do have to say, that despite the back and forth I have been experiencing with my wife, she has been very caring, loving, and understanding, and I feel the support we have been giving each other may be actually bolstering our relationship, even if it eventually morphs into something entirely different. I look forward to hearing how things progress for you.  Good luck girlie!