I have BPD. It's in remission. Yes, I know what people say about people with BPD and I wish I could say it's all bs, but I grew up with my dad who most likely also has it. However, I surpassed him when was nineteen and have been working my butt off the last few years (and continue to) to improve myself and I'm doing great all things considered.
Anyway, the reason I am admitting this is because one of the symptoms is an unstable self-image. I struggle with self esteem, so I'd say that's accurate for me. What I'm wondering about is if it's affecting my gender? Do I just think I'm male because of an unstable self image?
I don't know if my self image has reacted this way before. I know my personality has more traits to it than people say I'm supposed to have, but I've always seen it as just having more traits, but still being constant (and I'm fairly certain no one is as simple as I've been told I'm supposed to be). Some things shift and become more dominant and later fade into the background before they come forward again, but I always saw it more like parts of my personality taking turns.  I'm still the same person and they're still all there. As for changing over time, everyone does that, so it's ok if I do too right? That was/is the whole point of me working so hard to improve myself and my quality of life.
Am I really male (or bigendered) or is this just the product of my damaged mind? If it is, would that make it any less real? If it is, does that mean it will go away? If I really am male or bigendered, would my diagnosis as BPD prevent me from getting treatment?


(I rarely do anything impulsive. The last time I did, I got a haircut. That was it. I'm too afraid of a lack of self control to be impulsive.)

Quote from: Edge on August 04, 2012, 09:15:54 AM
What I'm wondering about is if it's affecting my gender? Do I just think I'm male because of an unstable self image?

I'm not really qualified to answer of course, since I've never met you, only know you through your posts, live in a different country from you, have no expert knowledge of BPD, etc.

But I don't believe that BPD could cause you to feel male. But suppose it did, or had something to do with that. That doesn't invalidate your experience of yourself as a male. You are still a male, whatever factors when into making that part of your identity.

Quote from: Edge on August 04, 2012, 09:15:54 AM
If it is, does that mean it will go away?

Only time will really tell that. Can you tell yourself, "I'll live with my gender dysphoria for n more months" so you'll get a better idea whether it will fade over time? (I'm betting it won't)

Quote from: Edge on August 04, 2012, 09:15:54 AM
If I really am male or bigendered, would my diagnosis as BPD prevent me from getting treatment?

Hard for me to imagine any ethical health professional turning you away on that basis.

Edge, it sounds to me you are asking the right questions. Also, I admire that you know yourself well enough to know when to hold yourself back from acting impulsively.

Quote from: agfrommd on August 04, 2012, 10:10:23 AM
Only time will really tell that. Can you tell yourself, "I'll live with my gender dysphoria for n more months" so you'll get a better idea whether it will fade over time? (I'm betting it won't)

Yeah I have to because I want to get the custody of my son sorted out first. (I am a good parent whatever else I am.) I'm feeling very impatient though.

Quote from: agfrommd on August 04, 2012, 10:10:23 AMEdge, it sounds to me you are asking the right questions. Also, I admire that you know yourself well enough to know when to hold yourself back from acting impulsively.

Thank you. It's not so much knowing when to hold back as being afraid of not holding back. Unfortunately, it's probably also a quality that makes me very shy.

Hi Edge.

Since "gender identity confusion" is a known feature of BPD, you should talk to your therapist about this. Maybe they can help you suss out if your feelings are independent of the condition.

Like agfrommd said, it's great that you're asking these questions. A lot of people aren't so honest with themselves.

Do you have a good relationship with your therapist now? Are you on medication for the BPD? How long ago were you diagnosed and when did you first notice your GID?

Quote from: Edge on August 04, 2012, 10:34:45 AM
Unfortunately, it's probably also a quality that makes me very shy.

Funny you say this.

Growing up, people were always telling me not to be so shy, etc. I started getting down on myself because I wasn't living up to people's expectations.

An adult now, I realize I wasn't shy, I was socially awkward. There's a big difference. Shy people are afraid they're going to say the wrong thing so they clam up. Socially awkward people have said the wrong thing enough times that they know their limitations. They keep quiet unless they knew they have something good to say. Took me decades to learn the difference.

Quote from: Forum Admin on August 04, 2012, 10:41:43 AM
Do you have a good relationship with your therapist now? Are you on medication for the BPD? How long ago were you diagnosed and when did you first notice your GID?

My therapist and I mutually agreed that I no longer needed her assistance. (Yay! I am so proud of myself!) I can, however, give her a call if I need to. She is unfamiliar with gender issues though. I was diagnosed five years ago. I first realized my GID in january. I noticed it a few times when I was a kid, but thought I was just weird.


Oh! I forgot to mention that I am unable to take medications due to the fact that they make me much worse. The difference is being drug free and being able to feel happiness and healthy emotions (albeit strong ones) and being on them and being horribly suicidal and unable to feel anything but pain.


After looking into some more, I've noticed that what it means by "unstable self image" is not knowing who one is. I know who I am. Gender is only a part of it. Of course, I'm still learning more about myself, but that's a normal part of life.
I have also been out of abusive situations for a year and three quarters, am doing better than I have in a long time emotionally (other than my frustration with my gender), and also have a better idea of who I than I did when I was in those abusive situations.
So it seems unlikely that I'd be having a relapse. I'll call my therapist and get checked out though just to be sure.