My name is Nick,

I'm 19 years old, and frankly I'm so confused that I don't even know how to categorize myself, even with the amount of terms that I've been stumbling accross in the past few days.

I was born female, named Nicole, and have cruised along since then feeling just that bit out of place from my friends and everyone I know. I am from a very religious family and - even though I share none of their beliefs which they have tried endlessly to force onto me since I refused to go to church - I had never come accross anything outside the binary gender thingy. I just thought there was something wrong with me.

It wasn't that I felt like I was in the wrong body, but... well. I don't really know what it is. Sometimes I feel like a girl, and want to wear dresses and do makeup and wear things in my hair, I feel comfortable with my body and everything and all that, and then just randomly I will feel completely the opposite. I just want to wear baggy pants, plain shirts; I want to get my hair out of the way, I hate the way I look, I hate my curves and there is no way in Hell that I will go near a skirt or dress. I wear sports bras and really tight undershirts to flatten down my chest, and have bought a few guys shirts and jeans to wear. The two feelings, I guess, swap around a lot, never know when it's going to happen, but when the latter one happens I find myself really desperately wanting people to see me as a guy, not a girl. I really just want to get out that I'm not a tomboy, I actually want to be a guy when this happens, and I want people to see me and treat me as male. But then it changes again and I want to come accross as a feminine girl, during which I prefer to be called 'Nikki', instead of Nick.

One of my female friends - artsy lesbian girl, she's awesome - said out of the blue that I should look up some gender terms. I was midway through a rant about how ridiculous skirts were, which may have given it away.

That's what I've been up to today. I was really excited at first - didn't think that so many others had gender... whatever-it-is too, but I'm not completely transgendered, and I don't think it's crossdressing. It's not for fun, I feel like I need to, but I don't want to always be the other gender to my birth gender, only around half of the time, if that makes sense? It doesn't always feel wrong, can you be partway? Does any of this make sense at all?

Some help clarifying things would be amazing! Forgive me if I have offended someone somewhere, I really don't know much about this group, even though I probably fit in here somewhere, and I don't want to be rude, but I'm pretty new to all of this.
Thanks,
Nick.

Welcome to the androgyne forest. There are various terms that are used such as genderqueer or non-binary. Other terms are a little more specific.
My story is similar to yours. Sometimes, I'm male and sometimes, I'm female. One evening, while I was male, I wanted to know wtf was going on with me, so I looked into transgender stuff. Long story short, I'm bigender which means I have two genders. You may find that you are also bigender or you might prefer the term genderfluid or you might end up being something else entirely. Good luck.

Hi Edge,

Thanks heaps for posting back! I must admit I didn't find the term bigender anywhere - but I didn't know what I was looking for. That really does describe the way I feel I am, which really makes a little more sense. I've only heard it one way or the other before finding these communities. Thank you for that, it probably sounds silly but it's nice to have a category (?) to fall under, instead of 'that chick who wears guys clothes'. I think I manage to confuse a good half of the people I know on a weekly basis. Thanks again.

You're very welcome.    I hope to see you around.

Hi Nick 

Welcome to Susan's     Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

Hi Nick ,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking.

No need to apologise for anything you've said. Nobodys upset in the slightest. We can all identify where you are, as we have all been where you are. So, in short, you are quite normal.

Perhaps to make a shortcut for you, so you can get down to the real business of understanding who the real YOU is, so you can grow and develop that person; contacting a gender therapist will give you access to all the right news, support and information. The internet can be a bit ambiguous and misleading at times.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

 Hi Nick,
Welcome to our little family. Over 7755 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.



Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.



Janet 

Hi Nick, it's nice to meet you! You'll meet lots of friendly, helpful people here. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn