Ok, so I have been away for a bit and wanted to come back to update everyone and say hello, let y'all know I'm still alive

This was the month I had hoped to do some transition related things. "Nay", said the forces of life! Ughh! I'm still in this emotional up and down cycle between anxiety, depression, and being fine. I've gone between hearing my own negative, criticizing, thoughts which tell me how dumb I am for deciding to pursue my real self, and those self-validating "accepting yourself and going on this journey of self-discovery is perfectly ok" kind of thoughts.

Really reminds me of the ages old cartoon of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other arguing with each other. Maybe it's a bad comparison? You all probably get what I mean though.

I have so much to say, my mind draws a blank. Ever felt like that? I updated my therapy situation in the Therapy section here. Thinking about all of you!

Dawn

QuoteI have so much to say, my mind draws a blank. Ever felt like that?

yes

Quote from: Dawn Heart on August 15, 2012, 08:15:45 PM
I'm still in this emotional up and down cycle between anxiety, depression, and being fine. I've gone between hearing my own negative, criticizing, thoughts which tell me how dumb I am for deciding to pursue my real self, and those self-validating "accepting yourself and going on this journey of self-discovery is perfectly ok" kind of thoughts.

Really reminds me of the ages old cartoon of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other arguing with each other. Maybe it's a bad comparison? You all probably get what I mean though.

Welcome to my world 

I've been living that for 2 years now. As I spend more and more time out in the real world as Joanne one of my shoulder buddies is starting to sound like they have a megaphone. Deaf ear be damned

Dawn it is go to hear from you again.

QuoteI've gone between hearing my own negative, criticizing, thoughts which tell me how dumb I am for deciding to pursue my real self, and those self-validating "accepting yourself and going on this journey of self-discovery is perfectly ok" kind of thoughts.

Oh yes if you sane you definitely do it. The questioning has lessened to very rarely now and I am happy for who I have become but it has taken years for me to get here.

QuoteI have so much to say, my mind draws a blank. Ever felt like that?

Me to and often.
Hugs,
Jillieann Rose

Thanks to all of you for your friendly, meaningful, and like minded responses! I know I don't get around too many other parts of the forum too often if at all yet, but Ill get there. It feels good to be here where I can discuss this with people who know what I'm going through, and truly understand.

All of you are awesome!

I know too well that step.

How do you jump out of an air plane? You'll be fine you have a parachute you have practiced this, there are friends with you and there are trainers and people who have done this before and I'm so scared and I can't do this.

How do they do this?

I'm so alone no one has done this before. They are not me. Their problems were different. I have ..............................to think about. They didn't.

I'll crawl away and I won't hide. I'll regain my strength. Ok I'm a strong girl. I've come so far. I'm doing great. I'll just hide under this blanket for a few minutes. No can see me. They won't know how scared I am. They don't know what it means.

Maybe I should take a few steps back. Maybe I an cope. (Inner Angel) Do it girl just do it.

But no one cares.

Yep guess what: No one cares?

I don't need that comment that doesn't help me. I'M frightened........

So is Cindy.

She is frightened every day as well. And no one cares.

I wanted to go to the gym so I put on my new crop pants, new total fem-T , new girly trainers. Picked up my handbag, water bottle  and ipod. I'll be safe in the gym.

Damn I need groceries. Stop at the store. Mmm I look like every other woman on a Saturday afternoon on the way too or from the gym. Sling my handbag across my shoulder get a trolley. Wonder why girls do store shopping on Saturday afternoons without their guys?  Realise the obvious.

Do the shop. Load it into the car.

Mmm. I've just spent 30 mins doing the grocery shopping and the earth didn't open.

I'm going to the gym now.

Goddess I look nothing like the guys. I don't look too much like the girls. Well actually I'm cuter than she is. She'll look better when she loses a few tonne; Oh bitchy.

He's cute, he's looking at me; tummy in chest out and ignore him.

Mmm he is cute.

Back home.

How can I live this down.

Oh Goddess I went out as me and I liked it.

What do I do next. There is no way I an do that again is there?

Yes there is.

Hugs

Cindy

Great Cindy.
I have been there and done that.