My goodness, how to begin? There's no way, of course, to capture 64 years in a single post -- to say nothing of my never having "posted" anywhere, before! Though reasonably articulate, I arrive here somewhat shy, anxious, and nervous, but determined to try to make contact and to contribute.
Well.... My story is complex (sound familiar?!), so I'll just jump in.
While straight, I spent my late teens, twenties, and thirties hating being male, certain that I was meant to be female. At 36, I began a 2-yr. transition, then had the surgery. Later on, after having lived as a woman for 17 years total, I realized that while I loved many aspects of the "new" me, I had also become desperately lonely, depressed, isolated, and, frankly, thoroughly miserable.
No, I did not for an instant miss having male genitalia, in fact I loved being liberated from them; and, I loved having breasts and a female's shape, feeling feminine, wearing pretty clothes. But, that was no longer enough. Enjoyable as it was, it all felt like I was "assuming a role" rather than its being natural for me. My natural personality and behavior seemed poised BETWEEN masculine and feminine, or more accurately, made of both equally but tilting slightly toward the masculine....
My isolation overcame me, and after 17 years of trying to be in the world comfortably as woman, I resumed living as a man -- sans genitalia!
The paradox and dilemmas: My body remains feminized, my breasts prominent, my skin hairless and smooth; I'm a straight male without male genitals; I'm attracted to feminine women; I love feeling feminine myself, love wearing women's clothes, etc. (though now it's in private); straight women are not attracted to the somewhat androgynous me.
I've always been a loner of sorts, never been comfortable in the Trans community, the gay community, or any community -- hence my continued isolation. I have been in three close relationships with women over the decades, all prior to the surgery: I was married briefly right out of college, it ended in divorce; and, with the other two women, my feminine desires destroyed both relationships.
Is it simply impossible for there to be women who would be attracted to me? Have I doomed my existence to such intense loneliness?
Apologies for the melodrama, but it is my story....
