Hello. I'm 32 and about to go crazy. I've been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. Most of the time I hate myself, how I look, what I am. It puts me in bouts of depression and takes weeks or months to get myself in a healthier mental state. 60% of the time I wish I could just wake up one morning and be a woman. I've been fighting the desire to be a woman for a long time but in the last few years it has really started to take a toll on me and my marriage. I just don't know what to do anymore. Transitioning means ending my marriage and going through a lot of social confrontation I'm not to sure I can handle. But every time I push the issue away it comes back sometimes worse than before. I'm tired of being depressed and tired of hiding a part of me. I've been trying to be a male for so long that I have no idea how to be a woman and only a few people who would be willing to help. Add on top of that no resources to start and I'm stuck. Is there anyone else on here who has that inner conflict of not wanting to hurt loved ones but not wanting to hurt inside as well?

Hi chevrolet_gt,

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Many of us have been there.  Each has made the choice as to whether or not to transition.  Transition can mean losing everything.  Not transitioning can mean years of misery.  Kind of a "damned if you do. Damned if you don't".


Janet 

Hi Chevrolet ,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking.

As Ms. OBrien says

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 24, 2012, 06:20:49 AM
Many of us have been there.  Each has made the choice as to whether or not to transition.  Transition can mean losing everything.  Not transitioning can mean years of misery.  Kind of a "damned if you do. Damned if you don't".

And it's not a matter of "if," it's really a matter of "when."  GID (Gender Identity Disorder) doesn't go away. It's how you manage it will largely depend the cost of it, in terms of relationships.

Talking to an experienced gender therapist will pay early dividends in so far as putting your mind at ease and giving you the opportunity through informed and educated decisions, the ability to convey to your loved ones, what you are really about.

Knowledge and education replace fear and retaliation. Once people understand why you are the way you are, the easier it is for them to assimilate.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

It's hard to educate people about how you feel when they won't listen or it just turns into a fight. I've almost gotten divorced many times over this issue. Some how I'm able to "put it away" for a little while but then it comes back and with it a fear of talking about it to my wife. My last episode I told a few people that I felt I could trust and most of them are, for the most part, supportive of it. My biological sister(only known her since 2007) is supportive of it and a few friends. I told my mom and she said she wasn't surprised due to some delays in puberty and something about my testicles dropping(don't know if that really has that much to do with it). My wife in response to dealing with it told her family. They were shocked but only one of them responded to me personally but he's an idiot anyways and I game him a pretty harsh rebuke because of all the help I've given him in the past.

I do have one friend, a true friend, that is also going through the same thing but he's(for now) going about it a little differently than I am. His marriage is falling apart anyways and not because of his issues but because of hers. I don't care what my wife says but when he starts his transition I will be there for him before, during, and after because if I decide to go through it or I need somebody to just talk to he will always be there for me. Although it saddens me to see his marriage break up. He has 3 beautiful little girls and I knew him and his wife before they got married.

I have gone to a psychologist on this issue but I always stop going because either I don't have the resources to keep driving into town or don't have the desire to get up early in the morning to go to the appointment. And the last time they referred me to a psychiatrist for medication for depression and anxiety but every time I tried to set up an appointment they would get me confused with another person with the same name. That is kind of scary because I don't want to get put on the wrong medication due to a records error.

Sometimes I just want to scream! Sometimes I've considered things less than a full transition and I know that there are legal issues with getting some of them done. The part that makes me unsure if that a lot of the time I'm focused on my disgust of my genitals and have thought about just having them removed(genital nullification), sometimes I consider just a simple castration and most of the time I just want the SRS without transitioning. I can't tell if it is true GID or just really poor-body-self image. Still, even it is just the latter then I guess it would be more of a body modification desire.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 23, 2012, 11:39:38 PM
Hello. I'm 32 and about to go crazy. I've been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. Most of the time I hate myself, how I look, what I am. It puts me in bouts of depression and takes weeks or months to get myself in a healthier mental state. 60% of the time I wish I could just wake up one morning and be a woman. I've been fighting the desire to be a woman for a long time but in the last few years it has really started to take a toll on me and my marriage. I just don't know what to do anymore. Transitioning means ending my marriage and going through a lot of social confrontation I'm not to sure I can handle. But every time I push the issue away it comes back sometimes worse than before. I'm tired of being depressed and tired of hiding a part of me. I've been trying to be a male for so long that I have no idea how to be a woman and only a few people who would be willing to help. Add on top of that no resources to start and I'm stuck. Is there anyone else on here who has that inner conflict of not wanting to hurt loved ones but not wanting to hurt inside as well?

First of all, welcome to Susan's.  I hope what you learn here will help you understand yourself.

You have no idea how to be a woman?  And you have been married for 15 years?  I suggest you have a model right in front of you.

I can identify with having to assume a male role while not feeling entirely comfortable with it.  Coping is not easy.  However, you can do little things, gradually, that will help you with your dysphoria.

First, though, you should consider personal therapy, and perhaps family therapy later.

Hi chevrolet_gt, welcome from Boston! Everyone here knows the path you're traveling. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

I do some things that help, little things like nail polish. I wear panties on a regular basis and my wife has gotten used to/tolerant of that but I've been doing that for years, although I hate the ugly bulge. In the winter months when I get hit the hardest, probably because I can do more things that are less noticable than in the summer, I'll shave my whole body(love the feeling of not having hair on my body, I just hate shaving it LOL) and if I know I can keep a coat on I'll wear bras. I've tried a more feminine voice when I'm alone(usually in the car driving) although it doesn't sound very good to me. However, I have the strongest desire to do more. I've talked to my sister about it once but I've always wanted to do somewhat of a makeover with makeup and dressing up but the only way I get to even go see my sister is with the kids(she lives about 45 minutes away and my wife requires I take them with me) so I don't get to be alone with my sister, not to mention her family is there to and they don't know. It gets really frustrating because I have to ignore the desires so I'm not pissing anyone off or exposing myself when I don't want to.

I've gone to psychologists but these counselors don't usually deal with this specific issue. There is a place at about an hours drive away but I normally don't have the gas money or time to be able to go there plus I don't know if my insurance will pay for it(welfare health insurance). That's one reason why I'm on here. People who have either gone through with similar scenarios or are currently going through them. I just hate the late night depression that keeps me from sleeping that spawns from wanting to be who I am or at least experiment with it to find out who I truly am. Sometimes I feel like I'm 50/50, stuck somewhere in the middle but I guess I'll never really know unless I can experiment with it.

The thing that really has been pissing me off lately is that I have a friend that is going through the same thing but he's not so worried about losing his marriage because there are other variables that are driving his marriage apart. Anyways, the issues I'm having is that my wife gets mad everytime I try to go see him. Normally I go and see him if I get out of class early because I'm already in town so I don't burn any needed gas by going to see him. Plus, he helps me release my frustrations because we can talk about our issues, desires and feelings with each other. I just don't understand my wifes issue with me going there on my free time when nothing else is going on. Sometimes it makes me feel like she doesn't want me to have any friends at all unless they are on the internet but then she complains when I'm at my computer. I'm a IT computer programming major so of course I spend a lot of time at my computer plus I don't watch tv mostly because the kids have commandeered it witih cartoons all day and I like to multitask when I'm watching something. Still she is on the computer just as much. I don't know, 15 years and I guess we are just drifting apart to much. I still love her but with the dysphoria and everything else there are times I think of leaving but then I think about my kids and having to move out and pay child support while still going to college and having a disability where I need to be off my feet most of the time and I feel it is better to just stay where I'm at.

When I get to thinking about these things I ask myself "At what cost?". Hiding a side of myself to not hurt the ones I love yet ending up hating myself. Maybe I'm somewhat of a masochist, at least emotionally. To many things at once without any real sure way of how to deal with them.

I wish that prayer actually worked sometimes, then I would have woken up a woman a long time ago and everything would have already been taken care of. Well girls, I most likely gotta get up with the kids around 7am to get them ready for school so I'll check back in later. I really appreciate those of you who comment. Outside of my sister and my friend you are the only other people I can talk to openly about this type of stuff and for that you have my love.

Hi Chevrolet,

You made some observations that you couldn't understand. Hopefully, coming from a different perspective, these comments may help.

I'm sorry I couldn't sugar coat this for you. You being so new to our family. But that's what we are here for. And we'll be here for you throughout your journey. Ready to pick up the pieces, put them back together and get you going again.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 27, 2012, 12:58:41 AM
Anyways, the issues I'm having is that my wife gets mad everytime I try to go see him. ............ I just don't understand my wife's issue with me going there on my free time when nothing else is going on.

I don't know whether you speak to your wife about your issues, but I suspect with the behaviour your wife is demonstrating is a fear of the unknown and her future, particularly with children involved. She obviously either sees or senses your desire to escalate your desires and she is seeing no room in the relationship for her.

She is obviously sensing a strain in the relationship and as to whether her own needs are being met is another form of anxiety for her to cope with.

It has absolutely nothing to do with her not wanting you to have friends. She appears to be quite worried, concerned and anxious. That's all.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 27, 2012, 12:58:41 AM
.... then she complains when I'm at my computer. I'm a IT computer programming major so of course I spend a lot of time at my computer plus I don't watch tv mostly because the kids have commandeered it witih cartoons all day and I like to multitask when I'm watching something.

Just a mathematical question for you to answer by yourself. So. I know studying, looking after a young family and all the other issues married life comes with; but; how many minutes would you spend alone with your wife, on a one to one basis. Talking about yourselves and your respective days and how you are coping and what happening for the future? If it's less than 60; start to worry.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 27, 2012, 12:58:41 AM
I still love her

And how well do you actively demonstrate that love, to her? 

(I don't need to know. That's a question for yourself to answer.)

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 27, 2012, 12:58:41 AM
but with the dysphoria and everything else there are times I think of leaving but then I think about my kids and having to move out and pay child support while still going to college and having a disability where I need to be off my feet most of the time and I feel it is better to just stay where I'm at.

Attempting to manage study, a marriage AND GID (Gender Identity Disorder) is no easy task, as you would fully understand. As your major concern appears to be about your wife, I'd say carrying round an attitude like the one you have described will display itself in just the little things that you do. Your wife no doubt will be very sensitive to these.

Please don't get the idea I'm having a 'go' at you. I'm not. I've been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

Based on the fact, GID doesn't go away, it's your next move. You are the one in control of yourself and your family. If you want a 'reasonable outcome', you need to weight up your options and do a business plan on how you plan to manage this issue for all concerned. Because if you don't, someone else will do it for you. It's your call.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 27, 2012, 12:58:41 AM
When I get to thinking about these things I ask myself "At what cost?"

EVERYTHING

Is usually the price of GID. Depending how far you go and how much compromise you are prepared to engage in, if any.

Sorry to sound if I'm not too positive about GID, but at times you have to be realistic about where you are at, and where you are traveling to and with whom. Once that's all sorted, yes your journey takes on a complete new dimension. To the point where the cost pails to insignificance. You have absolutely no concept where this journey can take you at the moment. You haven't seen it yet. It's where dreams do come true and the unimaginable becomes real. And if that doesn't get you excited, nothing will.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 27, 2012, 12:58:41 AM
Hiding a side of myself to not hurt the ones I love yet ending up hating myself.

The simple fact you are not yourself, by hiding a part of yourself, is already hurting a lot of people in your circle of influence.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on August 27, 2012, 12:58:41 AM
To many things at once without any real sure way of how to deal with them.

To deal effectively with these 'things', you need to get in front of a counselor/therapist who is well understanding of GID. If your local ones who don't talk about your issues directly,can't talk about them, you need to find one who can. Ask your local ones to help you with GID directly, if travel is an issue.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. I know the pressure you are under, and that needs to be managed before you have a breakdown or go into depression.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

I think I've already had a few breakdowns already which alway brings (crying myself to sleep if I can sleep) depression. I think my wife sees it as an attempt to get attention.

Alone time with my wife is almost impossible with our 3 kids. We have no baby sitter except our 13 year old but he's not responsible enough to watch them for more than an hour. The 3 year old still sleeps in our room(something I've told my wife I didn't like).
The sad truth is the things we like are very different. She likes to watch CSI type of shows while I prefer sci-fi. I like to keep up on polititcs and she can't stand politics and voices it. It seems the only time she's happy is if I'm doing some kind of housework which I don't mind keeping the house up but I can't do it by myself and sometimes not at all depending on how bad my arthritis is acting up. I will admit that I don't spend much time with them anymore. Sometimes it is legitimate because I got school work and other times I just prefer to be alone doing my own thing. Sometimes it's because the kids are always fighting and I've grown tired of it but my wife doesn't let me dish out any punishment for bad behavior without us getting into a fight ourselves. Well, these are issues that any couple could have. But yes, we don't spend much time together anymore.

She's had issues with many things and I thought she was more open minded than she really is. She doesn't seem to understand how I can "suddenly" realize certain things about myself. Like when I realized I was an Atheist, she almost kicked me out. What's funny about that was I was a Wiccan before that but she had no problem with me following another religion that had multiple Gods but when my skeptism and searching led me to realize that I don't believe in any Gods she threw a fit. It took me 10 years of experimenting to get to that point so there wasn't really any "suddenly" when it came to my realization. Same thing with my GID. It took years of putting little bits and pieces together, not to mention learning what GID is and other peoples journeys through transition and the thoughts that came before and after, before I realized what was going on in my head. The thing that made it so hard on her was when, for some reason, she was doing a search on me and found a comment about me wanting SRS somewhere on the net that I don't really go to that much anymore and she flipped out. Although I've voiced that thought to her years before but she won't admit that now.

I guess the hardest part for me and another reason why I sometimes rather be alone or keep my distance is that sometimes when I want to get closer to her and spend time with her she puts up a wall or pushes me away.

Another realization that I think we both have had is that we aren't the same people we were back in 1997. Our goals in life are different during the highschool years and I was just trying to fit in, which never really worked LOL. She has changed to and has an "Everbody else can ->-bleeped-<- off" attitude about her that is really a put off to me. And she's gotten more controlling.

I guess the biggest fear for almost everyone is the fear of the unknown. I don't know where all this is going to take me and change is hard, very hard, especially changes pertaining to GID. Sometimes I want to get put on anti-depression/anxiety meds but then I'm afraid they will reduce my ability to control myself because a big part of my self control is due to irrational fear of what other people think of me. I guess I wouldn't call it self control completely but it does stop me from engaging in confrontation. I almost failed public speaking because of anxiety.

Well, my battery is getting low so I gotta go thanks for talking to me.

This is an example of the things that really upset me and make me wonder if I really want to stay married. As usual I just find a different way to vent but I don't know how much more I can take.

I read many articles on a blog by ZinniaJones. You can find her blog on FreeThoughtBlogs.com or .org. She posted a critique of an article she found about a transgendered prisoner who is being denied GRS by the state. I haven't read that article I only read the critique on the blog. Anyways, I sometimes let my computer read the content to me using a program called deskbot so the content was being read outloud. My wife was walking past me and heard a few words of the article like "transexual" and "gender surgery" and she all of a sudden got an attitude. "Seriously?!" she said. And huffed into the bathroom to take a bath.

I feel like I have to hide the things I read or comment on because she just gets pissed off when she sees or hears them. Like this forum, I hide it to some extent and never get on here unless she isn't going to be around. I get feelings of hatred and maybe even some shame(if that's the right feeling) for being on here or talking or reading about anything that deals with transsexuals.

I don't know what to do about this and she isn't likely to talk about it. Of course though the whole issue could be because it was on a ZinniaJones blog. ZJ, like myself is an Atheist and has many videos on youtube as well as many articles on her blog that are critical of religion, all religion. I like those articles and agree with most of them. She makes some good points. However, my wife seems to still have a problem with my Atheism, she almost divorced me for it when I realized that's what I am. Now anytime I read an article or watch a video that speaks critical of religion she gets upset. I guess she's ok with me being an Atheist so long as I don't read, speak, comment, or watch anything that deals with Atheism. Might as well say I can't be exposed to any content she doesn't approve of, at least that's what it feels like.

As much as I sometimes feel like leaving I don't think I can, there is too much at stake for that or I just can't bring myself to go that far. Is my love for my wife of 15 years a harmful love?

Hi Chevrolet,

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on September 05, 2012, 07:32:37 PM
As much as I sometimes feel like leaving I don't think I can, there is too much at stake for that or I just can't bring myself to go that far. Is my love for my wife of 15 years a harmful love?

Sounds like your situation is rapidly becoming an impasse. A Situation in which no progress can be made or no advancement is possible.

I'd say you are both hanging in for the children. Although, outwardly may seem based on an altruistic reasons, it in fact can be a highly noxious and counter productive action. This constant bickering that goes on between you both will and can be seen and sensed by the children, who must be living in some form of anxiety as to the relationship between their Mother and Father and how that may play out in their lives.

If you want it straight from the hip, I think you need to summons the courage to start an honest and open dialogue with your wife over the mounting differences in you relationship. Whether you choose to do that by yourself or suggest engaging a relationship counselor. Which ever way it goes, your life and the life of your wife and family needs to start to move forward. Currently it is stagnating and going backwards, which can only increase the negative and non productive attitudes and outcomes.

With respects to your question about your "love" for your wife, I'd be inclined to seriously question your understanding of the word. Simply by the way you couched the question in the negative "a harmful love" defeats the proper meaning of the word. [Ref: Wikipedia: Love, a strong positive emotion of regard and affection] From what you have written to date, I've not witnessed any such attribute. I say that in the most inoffensive way possible. Because from what you have written, only represents a brief snapshot of a very dynamic life between you both. Your lives outside this snapshot may completely counteract what I've said.

At the end of the day, you need to be true to yourself and live the life you were destined to live. Your wife deserves the right to live the life she was determined to live and your children deserve the right to live a highly productive, positive, well balanced life. If to achieve this goal requires separation, then so be it.

You mentioned there was too much at stake. You need to redefine that statement in terms of for whom and what is at stake. Perhaps that should provide clarity and purpose for everyones future. And you need to be brutally honest about this redefinition. And to say it's for the children's best interest, for you to stay together I suggest you try again.

I say this with the profoundest respect for you and your family. Having been through a similar situation many years ago, I wish someone would have had the guts to slap me round the gills and break reality in front of me. Things would be substantially different to what the are now.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. And if it serves a purpose, talk your feelings and emotions out with us. In the meantime be safe, well and happy

Lotsa huggs
Catherine.

when I refer to "stakes" I'm normally talking about the family and individually. Financially we are a mess because of my disability, crappy part time job and school. She goes to school, I go to school and I work. Leaving now and she is stuck with nothing and may have to quit school to support herself and the children. It would also make it hard for me. While I have a very good possibility of living with my friend for an extended time until I was financially stable enough to live on my own there is always the chance that I'm not, leaving me with my contengency plan of going back to OTR trucking(lovely field to transition in:D).

You're right about the little snapshot. Sometimes we are getting along just fine and other times we are at each others throats. And it has effected out kids somewhat, especially my teenager who has voiced his ..uh...disaproval of our bickering. He stopped when I went back into my hole and didn't bring up the subject with my wife. I go back and forth, but most of the time I feel love for her but with that hatred of myself. Of course sometimes it seems(usually once a month.....) she isn't happy unless I'm cleaning or simply doing everything for her. I'm not one of those " go make me a sandwich" kind of people and do most things for myself and clean when its needed(which is all the time with 3 kids). So sometimes I think I get overwhelmed with it. But like I said in an earlier post I really hate it when she gets ..... "huffy" when I'm on a site like this or catching up with some of the things I follow with my Atheism. She doesn't seem to have a problem when I'm writting programs and watching a movie.

All I know is that most of the time I wish a was a woman but don't know if I'm ready for all of that. I feel trapped because I want to experiment with it with crossdressing and just see if I can pass to some degree but I don't ever have the opportunity to try it because she doesn't approve of it. I see womens clothing and I want to wear it. I see a womans figure and I want to be like that. I don't want to hide my emotions and feelings from people and I don't want to be.....masculine. But I'm so used to ignoring that part of me and just acting the role everybody else wants me to play.

I really wish it wasn't so hard to just leave and go my own way but I guess I have a ethical/moral dilemma in my mind about it. Even if its a false dilemma.

Quote from: chevrolet_gt on September 06, 2012, 04:54:28 PM
when I refer to "stakes" I'm normally talking about the family and individually. Financially we are a mess because of my disability, crappy part time job and school. She goes to school, I go to school and I work. Leaving now and she is stuck with nothing and may have to quit school to support herself and the children. It would also make it hard for me. While I have a very good possibility of living with my friend for an extended time until I was financially stable enough to live on my own there is always the chance that I'm not, leaving me with my contengency plan of going back to OTR trucking (lovely field to transition in )

SNIP

We have another MtF member who is a trucker - Hikari.  Drop her a line by p.m.