Im sure this has been covered before but I cant find anything that I can really relate to. Well Hi my name is Sarah and i cant really tell if i should begin transitioning or at the very least seek help. I feel like Im in a grey area where i cant tell if Im too afraid to start or if I was misidentifying myself as female.

Ive always kinda of leaned toward feminine things while I was a kid but was pretty ignorant to gender roles up until middle school when I starting trying on different clothes. This was until high school when I really saw myself as female and was so certain of this fact that my primary focus was researching how to begin and preparing to transition. I never "came out' though and when I turned 19 moved away trying to escape that feeling and become male and for the most succeed. For the most part i cant really identify with any gender but I dont feel androgynous or nor do i want to.
Im not attracted to guys but when I see myself a women that changes. Ive kinda of numbed myself to my feelings in general and I cant really tell if Ive convinced my self because of social and economic reasons not to begin or if it something that i dont want. Ive always managed to convince myself to deny these feelings but they seem to always come back and they come back stronger every time. I dont want become a cross dresser because thats not the point for me and while Im interested in feminine things (and male for that matter too)  I dont really focus on gender roles as much as feeling complete and happy.

This wasnt really easy to write so sorry for the rambling and thanks for any support or advice you can give.

Quote from: Sarahmaybe on August 24, 2012, 05:15:59 PM
This wasnt really easy to write so sorry for the rambling and thanks for any support or advice you can give.

Is therapy an option? It seems you've done a lot of thinking about this in your head. Might help to bounce this off someone else who can help you sort through it all.

Quote from: agfrommd on August 24, 2012, 06:16:19 PM
Is therapy an option? It seems you've done a lot of thinking about this in your head. Might help to bounce this off someone else who can help you sort through it all.

Yeah Ive considered it but at this time therapy alone could ruin my career never mind what its about.

Quote from: Sarahmaybe on August 24, 2012, 06:26:16 PM
Yeah Ive considered it but at this time therapy alone could ruin my career never mind what its about.

How so?

You don't have to tell anyone why you're seeing someone. And there's no shame in seeing a therapist. Loads of people do for vastly differing reasons.

Sephirah is right, you could be going for therapist regarding depression, confidence issues, relationship issues etc.

Unless you're in a career that red flags any sort of mental issue, but those are few and far between.

I spent about 50 years bouncing things inside my head, trying different options, even part-time. I never saw a therapist, nor got involved with any sort of "Group". Groups, back in the day, were 99% TV hook-ups which was definetly NOT for me. Even many of the clubs were esentially the same. So I kept everything basically to myself and found ways to sort of cope.

What I learned is that there is a galaxy of difference between knowing a ton of stuff about being trans and trying to sort it all out yourself and actually being a room full of other people just like you.  A few years ago I hit one of life's major pot-holes. Started looking for support. After 3-4 months I eventually found a TG group some 90 miles  away. (What really sucked I was living just outside Manhatten, NY) After the first meeting I 90% sure it was right for me. By the second meeting 100% sure I needed to be there. Going changed my life completely. (and no, I am still living as a male)

The TG group gave a totally different perspective on myself. The therapist lead that grew out from the group halped with some of life's problems. I wasn't looking to make a transition. However, I knew that many of my problems were rooted in how I handled being trans.

The best advice I can give is the same advice my therapist gave me: Just do it. Go out and buy some female clothes, take them home and try them on. You will not be a crossdresser unless you want to be one. I too was afraid of being a crossdresser, but I was honestly more afraid of finding out I was transgendered. The only way i was able to tell in the end was by doing it. You should at least give it a try. See how that makes you feel. Take it slow. Go out in public when you're ready. If you're afraid of people seeing you then just go to a nature preserve or park that isn't very crowded or something like that and walk around. See how that makes you feel. Take small steps. No one is asking you to leap off of a cliff. That leap of faith will come in its own time and you'll know when its right to say inquire about hormones, or surgery. For now, get to know yourself. Don't let anything or anyone hold you back--including yourself. I found that the greatest road block to my happiness, besides my parents, was me.

Thanks for the replies, hippo I think that's the best advice. I usually dive head first it to something new and that's how Ive been viewing transitioning but its not the right approach. Without really getting into specifics therapy still really isn't an option though nobody can prevent from me going, if somebody found out it would prevent me to continue to do what I'm doing. I guess with that in mind where do you begin? 

Where do you begin?
The beginning of course! Go out and buy something then wear it. Don't even worry about gender. Get something you like and would like to wear no matter what gender you are or were assigned at birth. I bought a corset! Just think about where you want to begin and then do it! I think everyone on this forum would agree that we all started from different places, we've all come different distances and different ways, and ultimately we all hope to come to the same end: to be better happier humanbeings. If you can end each day knowing that you are a bit better than the previous day you're heading in the right direction. And if you realize that you fell, so what? Get back up and keep going. No big deal! You just have to live and enjoy all the gifts of life. Just look at the sky, day or night, cloudy or clear, it is truly an amazing sight. And while the ancient greeks may have thought the sky was a male titan, the sky doesn't have a gender. It just is. And the same applies to you. Society may think you male or female, but you just are. And you are beautiful as the sky. And far more vast than it ever will be.   

Sarahmaybe, everyone above has said things far better than can I, but I just want to add my support....

I spent way too many years trying to tackle all of this ALONE.  So, my heart goes out to you.  Coming from a family where we didn't confide in each other & didn't really know each other's souls, I did not learn how to trust others, how to open up.  The suggestions above re: therapy are especially wise -- but, I hasten to add, try to find someone who specializes in TG matters, it will make a HUGE difference.  I've been in and out of therapy my entire adult life (I'm 64, my SRS was at age 37), and though I've had some wonderful counselors, almost none of them -- even with the best intentions -- knew a damned thing about TG stuff.

I know, you said that therapy is simply not an option.  I confess that it's hard for me to understand that, unless money is a factor and you need employer-provided insurance to cover it.  If that's not the problem, you could surely see someone privately without your colleagues at work knowing.  Or, possibly you're in a rural area where everyone knows everything?  That would be rough....

Any close friends whom you trust?  Any empathetic women friends to open up to?

I know, it's all far easier said than done.  Remember, I myself was in the exact same place as you: absent having any accepting souls to share my real self with -- or, at least, my thoughts about FINDING my real self -- I ended up abandoning a successful career, abandoning everyone I knew, and escaping to another city to make the search alone.  It would be so much better if you can find SOMEONE to share your inner cravings with....  All the best in your journey.

Though I'm surrounded by wonderful people in my life I reall have no one to confide. Any recommendations on how to find  a therapist? I'm still intimidated by group therapy but after this weekend I really need to move forward. Thanks everyone for the support I don't any of you and still you treated me like familily THANKS!

Finding a therapist isn't too difficult. Getting into one can be hard. Do you currently go to school? If so, all schools, high schools and colleges, have therapists/counseling centers available to help students. This will give you a good place to start but there are a few problems:
1. They likely won't have any experience with gender.
2. They will not be the one that will write you your letter, or help you to start HRT

Your other option is, if you have insurance, to call or go online and find therapist in your area that are covered by your insurance. You can search for therapists that specialize in gender issues, but your number one goal is to find a real psychiatrist--a doctor. He or she will be able to write your gender letter and give you a referral to an endo should you decide to take that route.

I currently am still seeing the therapist from my school who i first told and my psychiatrist. I find that the two balance each other out and I really do need both. This is just the route I took. And it has worked well for me. I'm happier than I was a year ago when I started! But others may have gone different ways in terms of therapy.

And a word of warning, if you see a therapist who doesn't take you serious, or urges any sort of repression therapy--which can be very cleverly masked--run! Find someone else. Remember, you're paying them. They help you. That's how its supposed to work. If you don't feel like they are helping you, don't see them.