Two weeks  ago I started therapy again (after neglecting things for four months). Since I'm just starting, I've been spending a lot of time just describing my gender identity issues to them and I'm running into some trouble. My therapist keeps asking questions which I don't really know how to respond to. Simple things like "You feel like your body doesn't match your gender?" or "You're unsure about your gender identity."

The trouble is that word--'gender'.  I've been thinking about it and I realized that in my head I don't particularly think of myself as one gender or the other, I'm just me. I'm physically male but I don't think of myself as a man. And I want to be female but not because I 'feel like a woman'.

Sometimes people describe transition as 'bringing the physical body in line with your mental gender'. And while I'm starting to think more and more that transition is the best choice for me, I feel some doubt because I don't really feel like I have a mental gender.

It's don't think it's androgyny because I still definitely want an unambiguously female body. But gender doesn't even really fit into how I see myself. I don't go "I'm a man" or "I'm a woman", I just think "I'm me."

Not sure if I've described what I mean very well but does anyone else feel this way or have any thoughts about it?

Aaaaand... welcome to my world. That's the same problem I keep facing myself and wonder how I am going to explain it when I start therapy next month. I've talked with other person that decided to transition and also had the same starting point . She just finished SRS.


For me is quite odd. I feel like a woman on several aspects, the feeling is stronger at some times of the day but goes a bit into a dormant state. But whenever I think about spending the rest of my life as a man... I can't accept that. I look at my body (not my face) and identify it as female, with just a kick being needed in the correct direction to adapt it. But in the end is more of something on my heart.

My guess is that I am still in denial on several aspects, although I myself know that they are true. I was asked a few things by a TS woman and even though I had the issue of "not feeling like a woman, only feeling like a man" she told me "those answers you have given are incredibly common for TS women". Not being completely binary is a real pain. Although you could already be on the other gender but not knowing it at a concious level... The therapist should be able to work this.

 I am "me", too.

The solution is really quite simple... I want to be female, therefore I am going to transition. As for what's right for who, well, transition itself tends to weed people out over time if they weren't meant for it.

I just see myself as physically female. I don't really have anything more than flickers and shadows as far as gender goes. I don't even really understand gender identity as a concept very well. The definition of gender identity as "a deeply felt sense of yourself as a man or a woman or androgyne or...etc." doesn't fit me at all. I have no deeply felt sense beyond just being me. To me "woman" is just the label attached to me because I am a female-bodied person. I'm like... a girl by default.

But I had really intense dysphoria around my body and it being very wrong and needing to fix it. And I did feel really dishonest presenting myself to the world as male when I wasn't.

I guess I would answer that question as "I felt like my body didn't match my body."

I'm fairly far along with my transition if you have any questions or anything.

Actually this hits the nail on the head for me: "I felt like my body didn't match my body."  My body isn't what I think it should be but that feeling doesn't have much to do with gender.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I figured I wasn't alone in this but it's nice knowing that I'm not completely crazy.

i don't really believe in mental gender , i think its comes down to how you want to be physically and how you want other people to view you , what you happier physically being etc

but to say there is a male and a female brain

no i don't believe that

Quote from: mementomori on August 26, 2012, 09:38:50 AM
i don't really believe in mental gender , i think its comes down to how you want to be physically and how you want other people to view you , what you happier physically being etc

but to say there is a male and a female brain

no i don't believe that

That's another one: I fail to find gender specific tasks or roles on my daily life and work routine. It's not like we are in the 50's anymore. I've known women manlier than me, so I can't see any behavioural pattern. We are just individuals.

For myself, I actually get what Sarah7 is saying here. I too don't feel like a male and my body does not match my body. I definitely have body mapping issues. I look in the mirror and see outlines of what to me is not there, I cannot remember when it wasn't like that. It all appears skew whiff. My brain registers that there shouldn't be certain body parts and there should be others. I don't mean should in terms of values but literally register that something is "incorrect." I use that word not in terms of judging myself but simply to show that it comes across as rather factual in my head and it makes it very easy for me to know that my body and brain (also part of my body) are mismatched.

As for gender, I don't see male or female in tight little boxes. I also see "me" and I worked really hard to start to think what "me" is. Gender is a part of that but not all of it. I would rather unpack that and build something positive than just situate myself strictly in terms of gender. However, when I do think about gender I look at being a woman or female from the perspective of all sorts of different types of women. There once was a question on the androgyne boards asking "If you had been born in the opposite body..." and I wrote that "I would have been much happier as a tall, quasi-Nerdy, gawky, tomboy, lesbian wearing very casual clothes and a ponytail. I know exactly what I would have been and if I could snap my fingers and be there I would." Now, I would also add "outdoor girl who also likes a cup of coffee, a good book, and a glass or red wine on occassion. I would also say someone who also can admit that she would make a great soccer mom early in the morning because a ponytail and no make-up sounds heavenly with a hoodie." Lol, so maybe if you don't think about being female or male as a whole but rather the specifics of who you are and describe it, then, maybe you will find a picture of your identity that includes gender but so much more.

Love to you all, and I hope this helps! I'm never really sure whether half the stuff I write is crazy or not. LOL...   

Quote from: grrl1nside on August 26, 2012, 09:52:37 AM


I'm never really sure whether half the stuff I write is crazy or not. LOL...   

Once I printed my ramblings and tried to read them with a nice cup o' joe while in "mentally male" mode. Almost wet my pants. It's like having a beast inside that wants to break the chains.

We are what we think... but beware, what we think happens to change too. It is NOT fixed.

All I seem to be reading are snap-shots of present states, so there is a caveat: don't take it all as to be your final 'state of the nation'...

Axélle

I also have NO CLUE what one means when they say "I'm a man" or "I'm a woman."

My thoughts and my "being" is just that--"being"--neither male nor female, nothing that simply screams out "I AM A WOMAN!!1!"

My internal voice is 100% gender neutral, it can have emotional inflections but it's certainly not a gentle, lilting voice, nor is it a man's voice.

However, I simply LOATHE my male body, and originally started out wanting to simply "femininze" it a bit...laser, shaving/waxing, stopped weight lifting (well...stopped what little I was doing), etc. The further along I got, the more I wanted--NEEDED--a more complete female body.

But still...I have no idea what it means to have "a female spirit/mind"...I'm just me.

Quote from: Hesitant on August 26, 2012, 08:57:10 AM
Two weeks  ago I started therapy again (after neglecting things for four months). Since I'm just starting, I've been spending a lot of time just describing my gender identity issues to them and I'm running into some trouble. My therapist keeps asking questions which I don't really know how to respond to. Simple things like "You feel like your body doesn't match your gender?" or "You're unsure about your gender identity."

The trouble is that word--'gender'.  I've been thinking about it and I realized that in my head I don't particularly think of myself as one gender or the other, I'm just me. I'm physically male but I don't think of myself as a man. And I want to be female but not because I 'feel like a woman'.

Sometimes people describe transition as 'bringing the physical body in line with your mental gender'. And while I'm starting to think more and more that transition is the best choice for me, I feel some doubt because I don't really feel like I have a mental gender.

It's don't think it's androgyny because I still definitely want an unambiguously female body. But gender doesn't even really fit into how I see myself. I don't go "I'm a man" or "I'm a woman", I just think "I'm me."

Not sure if I've described what I mean very well but does anyone else feel this way or have any thoughts about it?

transition as I see it, is to find yourself to where you are being happy.
we only speak about it as a gender trans thing, but I belive everyone should do so in there life to find themself as they feel confortable with.

I heard trans people saying so, But most important isnt in how much you feel as a women, and so,
what is important is "dose it makes you happe" and "dose it feel right?"

if those answers is yes, then transition is the right thing, maybe you will not feel confortable in fully transition but it depends for everyone how much we want to feel confortable, some people are very female vs male, and some are more gender queer, or gender neutral. theres also transexuals who did transition all the way and still apears kinda without thinking about gender much. one mtf I know is like this, she did transition 100% but dont think twice about gender even when she lives as female.

Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 26, 2012, 09:49:19 AM
That's another one: I fail to find gender specific tasks or roles on my daily life and work routine. It's not like we are in the 50's anymore. I've known women manlier than me, so I can't see any behavioural pattern. We are just individuals.

Interestingly I've run into a potential issue at work.  I am employed by a large retailer and they have introduced policy this year which restricts the amount of weight a female can lift (different from the male maximum) and also prevents them from operating the stock picking lift machines without a helper aboard if they have to move heavy loads to/from the storage racks.  They say that work-related injury statistics have driven this change.  (I find it rather unfair because many males in the company have difficulty with the same loads and I've personally hurt my back a number of times.)  I'm unsure of the implications of an employee changing their gender under these rules - can they fire you for no longer accepting the working terms you were hired under even if you can prove that HRT has reduced your muscle mass?  Would I even have a legitimate right to refuse work?

I commented at my work place what could happen if had lession or had a surgery that would limit my capacity to lift weights. I don't need to lift more than 15 kilos and I'm not allowed to lift for more than that for a few seconds until I put the things in a transport cart. The reply I got was that the workplace would be adapted to my specific health needs.

But anyways, there is no gender restriction for my work and the only real change is that I would not be able to do the already illegal weight lifts I do now. Moving heavy equipment on my own to avoid requesting backup...