I've been surfing this site for a while and some other topics here are really interesting, so I decided I'm going to ask my own question at last because I'm extremely confused and desperate for a solution.

I have considered myself a transman for a couple of years and I have lived openly as such with my prefered male name for a good year (at college/home/with flatmates/friends). I pack/bind, experience gender disphoria and can't wait to get on HRT (according to my gender therapist, I might start in 2 months).
I've been in a relationship with a boy for 3 months (I've only dated girls in the past and I'm not usually attracted to men) and I am now very confused. Since I met him, I often feel female, wear women's clothes (in secret because I'm now "supposed to be" transsexual and male), and I've even asked him to call me by my (female) birthname!
Sometimes, I'd really like to start living as female again, and the next day my mind switches to "male mode" I can't help but feel those moments when I feel great as a girl will probably be very depressing if I go on HRT.
In addition to this, I am going to take my master's degree in a new college where nobody knows me and I have no idea in which gender I'd like to go.

Has anything like this, or doubts while transitioning, occured for any of you? Do you think I might be a gay man in denial? Bigendered? An ftm drag queen/->-bleeped-<-? Transitioning back?? I have been really confident about my identity for years, and now I dread detransitioning if I take a step forward...

Thanks a lot for reading all that (I hope it isn't too tedious to read^^),
If anybody has any advice, or similar experience to share, I'd be very grateful !

I don't know for sure and I'm not going to try to tell you what label you should put on yourself. I will say that once I live as female there will be certain things I'm not allowed to do anymore or relationships that can't be the same. It's sad to think about, but for me the cost is worth getting to live in a more comfortable box than I'm living in now.

Really, though... would we say that a man who wears girl clothes isn't a real man? Obviously a lot of people would say that, but no one is going to expect them to wake up one morning with a "F" on their driver's license because he likes skinny jeans.

I think doubts are more common than many people admit. The idea that we must be doing something wrong. There is SO much pressure for us to question ourselves, to constantly hold ourselves up to some impossible to meet standard, but than any doubt openly expressed is seen as a kind of deviance from The Narrative an so we hide, hide, hide...

Good luck, in any case. If you want to be on testosterone I think you should still do it, if you want to wear a packer you should still do it. If it's something that makes your life better you don't need any better justification than that.

Well I think, for a lack of a better way of putting this, you are not binary. I mean you don't fit neatly in any category. Perhaps you switch back and forth or maybe you feel some admixture of the two genders. Gender is just a weird thing which society thinks it understands but really has no clue.  

--Jay Jay

I think Jay Jay nailed it, but I'll add one thing. If you're non-binary, you still get to choose how you want to present to the world. Just because you feel genderfluid some of the time doesn't mean you have to detransition.

I think, as Jay Jay said, you sound non-binary.

What I did was to stop worrying about social presentation for a little while, and focus on my body and what I wanted it to be like. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but for me it was worth it. If you get excited about the possible effects HRT will have on your body, if you can't wait for top surgery, it might be a good idea to pursue one or both of them. You can still have feminine days, wear pretty clothes, and be called by a feminine name if that's what you like.

In my case, I live mostly as female, and I'm not sure whether I'm going to keep it that way, or possibly pursue a name and/or gender change. But after some soul-searching, I figured out that while I might have pretty, feminine days, I wanted to be able to come home, take it all off, and have a flat chest underneath. So I had top surgery, and I'm very pleased with the result. Now I'm starting to focus on the social aspect of transition: what pronouns I use, what name I ask people to call me, stuff like that.

I've had my doubts too; I think everyone does to some extent. But I also think that, to some extent, we know what we need. We just have to dig a little to find it sometimes.

Hello everyone!

Thanks a lot for your personal replies. It's great to hear that it might be possible to live as both genders or as a genderfluid person despite the general pressure to be as stealth as possible in one single chosen gender...
I think you are right, I must probably be "non-binary", thanks for the term
I do want to go on HRT even more after reading your replies, and as to top-surgery I'm not sure (I bind and want a flat, male-looking chest when I'm a guy, that is most of the time, but sometimes, when I'm a girl, I like it the way it is now).

As to presenting to the world in any way that makes you comfortable, I love the idea but still wonder... It must be really hard to be seen as a man with boobs or a girl with a beard as it makes you unattractive and "weird" to most of society. But I am definitely going to give all this a little more thought...

I am two persons at once, if only my mind could control two bodies instead of switching so brutally.

Cain, you're a real inspiration ! :-) Your choices must have been difficult to explain to therapists/surgeons etc. but they are encouraging!

Thank you all again for your support,
Have a nice day/evening!

Quote from: Lost on August 25, 2012, 03:52:54 PM
As to presenting to the world in any way that makes you comfortable, I love the idea but still wonder... It must be really hard to be seen as a man with boobs or a girl with a beard as it makes you unattractive and "weird" to most of society. But I am definitely going to give all this a little more thought...

Cain, you're a real inspiration ! :-) Your choices must have been difficult to explain to therapists/surgeons etc. but they are encouraging!

Thank you! Truth be told, I got really lucky with therapists and doctors. The Chicago area seems to be really good for informed consent transition. The therapists I've seen have been really understanding, and my surgeon never once asked about my gender. He probably assumed I was a trans man, but I'm mostly okay with that.

I can't say anything personal about being a guy with boobs or a bearded lady, but I've not gotten any negative attention (that I've noticed) for being a 'girl' with short hair and a flat chest dressed in men's clothes. It is slightly more socially acceptable, though, for a 'girl' to be gender-variant in that way, than for 'her' to have a beard.

There's also this fabulous lady for inspiration.

Only you can answer these questions. However, some of the effects of T are hard to undo. Is it possible to delay starting hormones? or would your health system halt the process altogether?

As a gay FTM, I can certainly sympathize with how hard it can be to try to figure that part of things out! For me, there was a huge difference between being with a man as a woman, and being with a man as a man (even prior to starting hormones). Perhaps to 'test the waters,' you could ask the guy you are dating to be flexible, interact with you as a guy (however you conceive that, no pun intended), and see how that goes. It would at least give you more information to work with.  Good luck!

Quote from: cain on August 26, 2012, 12:27:47 PM
Thank you! Truth be told, I got really lucky with therapists and doctors. The Chicago area seems to be really good for informed consent transition. The therapists I've seen have been really understanding, and my surgeon never once asked about my gender. He probably assumed I was a trans man, but I'm mostly okay with that.

Wow, your therapists and doctors seem to be really open-minded! I don't think I could be that open with mine.
Thanks a lot for the link, what an interesting blog, it's a great idea!

MrTesto: Thanks for sharing your experience :-) I could technically delay starting hormones without officially stoping the process but it would definitely be difficult to start again soon after that. I think I'm going to go on hormones anyway (I'm 90% sure I won't regret it and can't wait for some of their effects) and really take my time before any surgery - if I get any done at all.
Good advice, thank you, I think you're right, it's important. Actually, I met my boyfriend as an -obviously trans but still clear that I was male- boy. Because this wasn't feeling comfortable at all, I changed my mind and asked him to call me by my birthname and to use female pronouns. (I'm lucky he's very open-minded, pansexual and doesn't mind...). I need to be male in society most of the time, but in an intimate relationship I actually dislike it and feel female. But you're right, this is actually a good point!

Well, I guess I have to give myself enough time to sort it out Thank you all for your insightful replies!