I first want to say that I mean all of this in the least offensive way possible... but it's hard to say to begin with.

Being any type of LGBT makes me feel... ashamed and embarrassed. Especially being one of the groups that is hated on the most or mocked a lot. Even online, I have trouble telling people my feelings. I won't tell my therapist, who seems like an ignorant idiot. It makes me really upset. I would do anything to just be straight and cisgender.

I had an acquaintance (notice I said "had") who was outspoken with his right-wing bs. The subject of transgender people was brought up, and of course he had a mouthful to say, mostly aimed at transwomen. Probably nothing we haven't heard before, but, he said that transwomen were just men who weren't raised right or failed at being men, so they try to change something they can't. I tried to argue with him about him, but then he was like "Why are you defending them!? Do you want to be a girl?". I felt really ashamed when he said that for some reason, so I lied and said no.

In a way, I do feel like what he said, although I know it's not true, I'm just easily gullible, too sensitive, and easily influenced by the wrong things. I do sometimes feel like I failed at being a man, that I wasn't tough enough and couldn't handle the gender role. So I feel like a failure.

My folks were divorced and I did live with my mom, so people might assume that's what "made me trans". I saw my dad two days a week though, since he wanted to be in our lives. I get along better with him than my mom, I always liked hanging out with him better. He was never abusive or mean. So in a way, that disproves a common theory of MAAB being LGBT.

However, I'll admit he wasn't "manly" at all. He doesn't like sports, probably can't even name any sports players or sports teams. He likes to garden, cook sometimes, and is very cleanly. He was also an artistic type. He wouldn't make me play sports if I didn't like them. Because of being girly, sometimes guys in school would ask "Did you have a dad?". And I'd say yes, to their surprise. But he's probably not the dad they were picturing.

Anyway, what makes it harder is that I'm such an antisocial misanthrope and everyone hates me to begin with, even if I play the straight cis card. Being any sort of minority can be embarrassing, especially if I fit stereotypes. I'll tell people I'm attracted to girls when I'm not.

And I pretty much hate everything about myself too. I know there's a self-confidence thread too though.

Anyone else experience this?

Shame and fear of the worlds reaction keeping me in the closet? Check.

Did that for decades. I put off facing the fact I was trans for so long that by the time I was 41 t became transition NOW or die. So I transitioned. Mainly to a colective ho hum from the universe.
The gender police didn't decend on me and haul me off. The inquisition did not clap me in irons. Most of my frineds and family took a completely ho hum attitude with the main theme being they already knew that I was some flavor of queer and what took me so long to come out of the closet.

Now I understand that my experiance is atypical and my experiance is not yours. But I will wager that how you imagine the world is going to react, and how the world will actualy react are likely two very differant things.

Trans ideation does not go away. It stays with us and becomes more pronounced as the years go by. Let me be so bold as to suggest you consider seeing a gender therapist. A profesional can help you explore how you feel and why you feel in a safe non judgemental environment.

Best of luck,
Cynthia Lee

For the longest time I felt really bad about being trans. At about age 11 I was one day reading a magazine and saw an article about a woman that had transitioned and I immediately knew what was up with the feelings I had and that I too was like her. My heart rate sky rocketed, I felt vertigo and though I was going to faint. I'm not sure why exactly but afterwards I felt extremely ashamed of myself.

For years my feelings would intermittently escape the iron grip I held on myself and burst up to the surface but I would always beat it back down going "BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD!!!!". What made it worse was of course the negative off hand remarks made by friends and family over the years. When ever the subject of transsexuals would come up someone would always make some sort of bigot wise crack about and I would feel really bad and ashamed and possibly try to redirect conversation or attention towards something else. As a matter of a fact till this day I think I have a complete inventory of every bad thing the people I know have said about trans people. I think all of these remarks delayed my transition quiet a bit.

In the end though, at least for me, life became unbearable and I accepted the fact that I was trans and that I could chose to have the life I always wanted or stay miserable till the day I would do myself in. In accepting things I finally got some piece of mind and the shame went away. In the end it turned out the people I knew did mean all that much by their stupid remarks. They were just being ignorant.

It seems you're not quiet sure about yourself and whether you are trans or not. Try to rid yourself of the shame and maybe then you'll be able to see things clearer. What really helped me coming to terms with myself was learning more about transgender people and seeing that they were cool people that carried themselves with pride and made no excuses about being who they were. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

First of all, you shouldn't be embarassed or ashamed if you are LGBT. You have the right to be who you are whether or not society gives you a hard time. I camee out as transgender at age fifty-six. I turned 64 a few weeks ago. I have never been happier.

Your father sounds like a cool guy.  I like sports but I also love art, writing, cooking, theater, and jazz music. I am working presently to self publish a chapbook of poems. Many people know nothing about transgender. I've heard the thing about overprotective mother-absent father rant about about why someone is trans.I had a mother and father, did typical male activities, and was a happy child. I turned out being trans anyway and I'm proud of it.

I know that I have had somewhat of the same feelings but most ignorant people, especially the fundamentalist "right wing" type of people, do not educated themselves on the truth based on actually studies done over the last few decades. They can't understand it because they don't want to and that is another reason why they don't educate themselves on the issue and go off of their own or others presuppositions. But hey, they make all kind of claims that have a mountain of contradictory evidence and even if their claims don't have contradicting evidence it fails on logic alone.

I was raised by very conservative parents who are for the most part "right wingers", my dad especially. My mom is a little more open minded and she knows that I have feelings of wanting to be a woman and doesn't have a problem with it and told me she would love me no matter which way I go. But her and I agree that we won't tell him because he'll go all super religious on me like he does with everything else. He also molested me as a child but outside of there being a very loose correlation on molested children becoming homosexual later in life there is not solid evidence that that is the reason for my dysphoria or pansexual orientation. After all I am also married with 3 kids and play the male gender role although it isn't really me and I feel ya when you get ashamed when people make comments about LGBT people in front of you. For me it just gets me upset but I normally don't say anything and leave. The main reason I don't transition is because I don't want to kill my marriage. I love my wife and don't want to hurt her anymore than what I already have. At this point I don't think I can really consider transitioning unless she leaves me or it becomes so bad that I have to in order to keep from hurting myself. Either way it can be a painful path.

If it were me personally I would find another psychologist, preferably one you has experience with trans people, and talk to them about how you feel. These feelings are very strong and sometimes take control of you to the point where you have to express your feminine side or you end up doing something harmful like cutting yourself. Find people you can trust and come out to them, eventually you will find out who your real friends are and which family member truly love you. And although I'm really new here this is the place to vent and express yourself because as far as I can tell there isn't anyone here that will put you down for how you feel.

Well the reasons I keep seeing my current therapist is because:

1) I already told him my life story, and with a new one I'd have to start all over again. I've seen this guy since over 4 years ago.

2) The biggest reason is because we can't afford another one, in gas money to get there or because of insurance not covering much.

My parents think I'm "fine" and they don't want me seeing anyone. Or, they think that everything can be solved without therapists and outside help.

My current therapist is very... trans-ignorant, I'll say, despite the fact that he worked at a group for depressed teens that, when I was there, was at least 80% LGBT youths. Just to "test the waters", I brought up a transwoman acquaintance I had in a conversation. My therapist referred to her as "he" or "he-she-it", and would say "He likes guys, so he's gay?". I did correct him, by saying "No, she is a girl who likes guys, so she is straight." but he just kind of ignored it. You'd think someone like that would be educated on this stuff.

Maybe I'll try introducing my dad to the concept of different gender identities... for now, I think the older generations mostly only know of "male" in male bodies and "female" in female bodies.


Oh, and off-topic, but
Cynthia, you look very young. I wouldn't have guessed you to be in your 40's!

Gennee, I wouldn't have guessed you to be in your 60's either!

Qlinik you really need a new shrink if after four years you're hearing things like that.

Once every three months with a modern therapist would be money better sepnt that on that fool so get looking for an affordable one.

Hi Qlinik,

Apologies for quickly hijacking your thread here. It is the hormones and "self peace" that keeps us looking so young!

Okay, I am going now!! 

This will be my first post on any site ever.  Although...I have thought about it a lot.  I have never been ashamed of the person I decided to become.  I was born a physical female.  As early as age 6 I was telling my mom I was a boy.  Developed breasts; still a boy.  Wasn't until I started my periods that I realized I was a girl.  Started playing the "girl role" and quickly become depressed and suicidal; hiding from the world.  I was ashamed of the "female" body that I had.  I knew there was something wrong but I just couldn't figure out what it was ??  I felt so messed up to the point that I actually majored in Psychology for the sole reason of understanding.  I was 27 before I realized what was really going on (I am currently 29).  As soon as I figured out I was trans; no turning back.  Within two years I dressed male only, short hair, no shaving, came out to my coworkers, told my mom I wanted a sex change, dated my first girl, had a hysterectomy and a mastectomy.  Every step made me more and more male.  In the first stages I did wonder how the world would react to me.  If I would be accepted.  But I quickly decided that my happiness was all that mattered.  If people had a problem with me; that was their problem.  I have not yet started t but do plan on it.  I'm ready but also taking my time.  I feel like a guy; t will make me be a guy to the world.  So what If I pass male half the time and female half the time.  I get weird looks.  What is it ?? LOL.  Don't care.  It's all about how you feel about yourself.  Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are.

First thing by the sound of it is to get a new therapist if you have been totally open with him or her. 

If you haven't been completely honest then they are reacting to inaccurate information.  As I understand it the term Therapist can mean many different things in other parts of the world.  Here Gender Therapist means Psychiatrist, and otherwise can also mean Psychologist.  That can make a big difference.

As for the friends, I'd let them know you don't like their bigotry and find some new ones.  There is much mention of us losing friends and family, but sometimes the relationship needs to be terminated by us, as it is toxic and hateful.

Stay strong, Warrior Princesses don't demean themselves by noticing the chittering of the rats in the cellar.

Karen.

Just a clarification of terms.

Psychiatrist is a doctor who can prescribe medication and deals with psychological issues with medication.

Psychologist is a "therapist" or "counselor" and cannot prescribe medication. They can refer you to a Psychiatrist for medication.

I would imagine there are some that can do both but as far as I know I've never met any that could do both.

And...I may be wrong about this so if I am please let me know.

Quote from: justmeinoz on August 29, 2012, 07:04:45 AMIf you haven't been completely honest then they are reacting to inaccurate information.

I actually did mention my gender dysphoria in the past... maybe he thought it was just a "phase" or something. Again, it's not easy for me to say, especially since I've been repressing it so much now. It's also noteworthy to mention that he's a bigot against not just transgender people but other "minority" groups as well. But perhaps I've just been covering my true self up too much. I'm lucky my parents even let me see him.