I come from a very abusive and unstable background. my parents are separated and i spent most of my younger years living with my mother, who was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. both my parents are extremely manipulative people, and their constant hate for each other led me and my brother to be used by them to get back at each other.
dealing with severe dysphoria, depression, social anxiety and suicidal tendencies has not made life easier, my dysphoria started to become apparant when i was 9, and life has gone downhill from there.
about 2 and a half years ago, the situations living with my mother became too bad and i was forced to my only other option, living with my father, who is very physically abusive when he doesn't get his way, emotionally abusive, control freak, sadist.
There are times when he has attacked me for saying the word "why?" hr slammed me against the wall and hit me many times and demanded i was to never question him or say that word again. this occurred after he decided out of nowhere that i was to go stay at his sister's house for the weekend without talking to me about it. this was in the middle of exam time at school, my whole life was upside down and i was juggling many things at once and he randomly decided for me that i would go somewhere for the weekened so he could have a party. In the end its his house, but i had just asked him why? what his reason was to disrupt my environment like this out of the blue. sometimes he seems to think he's in his own little film world, he already said this morning that he was the only one who mattered to him. he talks about his admiration for characters from books and films who are cruel and make people fear them. He is obsessed with machiavelli's "the prince", and the idea of being a king and making others fear you to gain more power, which i think stems the way cruel ways he treats others. the guy's a nut job.
He has always been very abusive, and controlling when it comes to aspects of my own life. this is someone i had no contact with for over 6 years until just 2 and a half years ago. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a sadist, the man can say some extremely disturbing and vile things, he thoroughly enjoys the idea of putting others down to feel good about himself. this is a man who's first words where "just a stupid bunch of idiots. didn't they see the water? just stupid deaths, idiots like that deserve to die." while watching a news report some days ago of a tragic death of a 5 year old girl and her grandparents who where killed on a beach by being pulled to sea by the water. this is someone who has proudly remarked on how he enjoyed killing animals as a child, any small animal he could find, the rush he would get from taking away their lives. he would then remark about how it was the same thing serial killers did.
I have attempted suicide 3 times, one of which resulted in police breaking down the door to the house to make sure i was safe after they recieved a call from my girlfriend. afterwards he physically abused me, told me my depression was an inconvenience to him and that i was a weak disgrace. he then proceeded to demand that i apologize for the police breaking down his door.
I have kept a straight face the past 2 years i have lived with him, because regardless of his abuse, it is better than the living situation with my mother. for the most part i am able to stay in my room most of the time and pretend he does not exist.
Due to the massive support and hope from my girlfriend, i decided a few weeks ago to let him know how i felt, and that i was trans, and had felt like a man on the inside all my life. i did this because i fully had decided to start my transition, and live as male.
when i first told him, he acted extremely supportive and understanding, i was shocked and relieved. he told me he would help me get the help i needed.
As days went by he started to realise the implications of me being trans would have on him and his 'reputation.' he became very hostile and verbally abusive. called me a freak, and asked me if i there was a place i could just go for freaks like me. he called me grotesque, hit me a few times and told me i was just a sad individual with no friends or life.
He threatened me and has since become more abusive, feeling that there is nothing i can do about it because he is my only option and he is entitled to treat me however he wants.
he has threatened to take all my things and throw them out on the street as well as made many other threats.
Its gotten to a point where i cannot take this any longer, the depression, sadness and suicidal thoughts are becoming worse day by day, everyday has become a struggle not to end my life.
i'v started looking for options, i need to get out of here. i have no family and cannot continue to live in this environment. i dont know where i will be two weeks from now. i have done some research and found an organisation here in the UK, london that offers supports and help for LGBT teens(16-21) who are homeless, about to be homeless or living in hostile environments. they can provide care an accomdation until you can get back on your own two feet.
I am a very hard worker, and plan to find a job as soon as humanly possible, when i can work at least 40 hours a week and begin to save up for surgery i plan to have next year(top surgery) and enough to hopefully be able to pay for my own accomodation by next year.
I'm hoping i might be able to be provided with a home/lodging for at least a year, where i can have a safe place to live, no matter the circumstances, while i undergo my a levels and find work. then i can hopefully have enough for the surgery next august and enough to find accomodation i can pay for.
I have written an email to the organisation, but probably wont hear back until Tuesday, as tomorrow is unfortunately for me, a bank holiday here in the UK.
It is a daunting situation, i am in desperate need of support. my life seems to be going downhill every single day.
I am not scared or intimidating by the idea of a life like this, living in foster care while undergoing my a levels and finding work, anything is better than how i currently live in my father's house. i have been called and treated in very cruel ways, made to feel like a freak and belittled every step of the way, not to mention the physical abuse.
I dont really even know what i'm asking for..some support, advice, anything anyone can share will be appreciated.
Has anyone ever been in a situation like this, been forced into foster care or homelessness? how did you rise from the dirt? what should i expect?
right now i dont care if i just get a tiny room with a single bed and nothing else, i just need a place to sleep at night while i attend college and get my life on track.
I know this was a long post, so thank you very much if you stuck through and read it all
All best
S
