Quite often.

As much as i try to be thankful for what I have, one bad pic displaying my masculine traits and i downward spiral.

One sir, one awkward look, pops the balloon holding me up and i plummet.

Happens way more often than id like.

I believe in god no more, haven't for a long time cause why make me so far from where I need to be.

I just want to fix it, I want to fix everything. But there's no hope in my immediate future..

Not suicidal, just venting.

Sometimes we are not photogenic enough.

I keep being told that I have a neutral face that could work towards transition, but everytime I take a blind photo of myself (not plugging the camera to an external screen so I can control how I am going to appear, the results is so bad that I lose all my hope.


Nah, my biggest pain is the MPB, so little hair left and on the limit of the "beyond recovery". That's something awful.

 I could see myself writing your post, krysha, except for the God part - there are better reasons to have a disbelief in God than this whole trans thing and its unfairness. I guess it'd also be hard for me to say anything about receiving "sir"s because I step outside maybe once or twice a month, so even if people did say "sir" where I live, I wouldn't have much of a chance to hear it anyway.

How I've dealt with things hasn't been terribly admirable, and I am very hard on myself. Clearly, I also see myself as worse-looking than I actually am - I find it difficult to understand how people can feel morally right in saying some of the compliments they do. I have to assume that the view they share with me is true to them, and that I simply can't see it - which, by the way, is disturbing, as I find it difficult have faith in anything I can't see or experience.

And I have other issues that are driving me, or have already driven me, insane... The trans thing, those issues, and the current unstable situation my survivability is in at the moment are quite the burden. I think I hate myself, but really, I'd rather say I'm too empty to care whether I do or not. That probably applies to a number of other noun-defined things.

I'm not exactly suicidal, because I have two things keeping me alive. I am afraid of Death, and death seems more boring than life. From a pure efficiency-standpoint, there is really no reason to commit suicide as one will die anyway, in time. So, one might as well live until that time, because there's always a chance... some measure of probability... that things will either get better, or that one's life may have a positive impact on the world overall. Suicidal thinking comes from living in the present - not something I find I'm good at.

I feel for you. And I liked the imagery with the glare and the balloon... it seemed so clear. I'd like to say that I'm sorry for how things are. With you, and all of us, I guess.

First thing I will say is go easy on yourself, you deserve it.  I try and treat myself as if I was my best friend going through transition. 
If I feel down I try and look at how far I have come.  Do you keep a diary or journal?   I have found it helps a lot.  I can vent as much as I like, and putting things on paper helps me sort out my thoughts, especially when I re-read later.
When I first started transition and couldn't see anything working I tried to have the attitude that I was the world's most Butch woman.  It didn't always work, but often helped me t see that I was at least moving in the right direction.
Hang in there, you will make progress. Slowly, it is true, but progress neverthe less.

Karen.

Quote from: krysha on August 31, 2012, 04:12:00 AM
Quite often.

As much as i try to be thankful for what I have, one bad pic displaying my masculine traits and i downward spiral.

One sir, one awkward look, pops the balloon holding me up and i plummet.

Happens way more often than id like.

I believe in god no more, haven't for a long time cause why make me so far from where I need to be.

I just want to fix it, I want to fix everything. But there's no hope in my immediate future..

Not suicidal, just venting.

I can, like many others, totally relate to this.  It's so very hard to stay positive when you feel do many fundamental aspects of your life are just wrong.  I work with a lot of women at the office.  They are constantly chatting about things I wish I could take part in and that they likely take for granted.  It sucks, but you've got to look towards a positive future.  Just know that the turmoil you face is shared by many!  We are always here to lend an ear or a should to cry on!

Quote from: Apples Mk.II on August 31, 2012, 04:16:08 AM
Sometimes we are not photogenic enough.

I keep being told that I have a neutral face that could work towards transition, but everytime I take a blind photo of myself (not plugging the camera to an external screen so I can control how I am going to appear, the results is so bad that I lose all my hope.


Nah, my biggest pain is the MPB, so little hair left and on the limit of the "beyond recovery". That's something awful.

I, too, am struggling with MPB.  It's the pits for sure.  I'm hoping that the finasteride that I'm on will thicken my hair some.  Still too early to tell (only been 3 months).  I've heard the HRT can stimulate some regrowth, too.  Are you taking anything?  From what I've read, finasteride has, in many cases, brought hair to the state that it was at 4-6 years ago.  Can't quite remember exactly how my hair was then, but it had to have been better than it is now.  That, plus transplants and future treatments like stem cell hair multiplication gives us some hope for sure!

Quote from: krysha on August 31, 2012, 04:12:00 AM

I believe in god no more, haven't for a long time cause why make me so far from where I need to be.

I like to think that god has given us everything we need we just need to figure it out.
I also feel god is within us. We are god...

Having a hard time too getting p people to understand why i need hormones. It will get done. I just have to be patient .
((((Hugs))))

hmmph god could care less about us there is no kingdom in heaven you die you recycle then you do it again hell is living in a world of pain greed and violence the demons  that haunt our dreams are with us every day in the faces of strangers in a killers hand in the the unfairness of the good who are cast aside while the evil prospers god is malignant and uncaring and as such useless and infertile he sows his seeds threw the words that are cold and empty and they wither and die on the vine like the priests and tammy fayes and jim bakers who are given the world but then chose to molest and steal from the inocent. if god wants to restore my faith take me off this wretched world and fix your f...ing mistake or just leave me dead.

When I was in the beginning of my journey at about 13 I felt very sad all the time. I even told a friend I wanted to be a girl and she said you'd be an ugly girl. Now a couple years later I saw her again (and she's bisexual) and she told me that I got really hot and that I'm really beautiful lol. I know exactly how you feel. We have a perception of ourselves and ONE person can make us depressed if they give us a weird look. But there are many women that are trans that probably start out worse than you and now they live very happily. So even if you won't wake up tomorrow and be how you want to be just remember that one day YOU WILL be who you want.

Unfortunately for trans people you have to endure a couple years of pain before you can live how you want. Looking back two or even one year ago seems like a lifetime ago for me. But looking forward a year or two seems like it can't come soon enough. I'm 18 and already very happy with myself after only a year on hormones. So imagine in 4 or 5 years how great that will feel. So just know that even though the wait is killing you it will be worth it =)

i began my journey at 14 as well within 1 year i was booted from my home had the door of the arch diasis slammed in my face because i was cold and hungry alone and afraid i was raped shot and left for dead in afield only to be told by the investigating officer i got what i deserved. so please forgive the bitterness some will thrive some of us are lost in the end if this doesn't get you something else will. your young live love and be happy the dark clouds are just over the horizon time will come when the regrets and losses have scared more then the heart can repair and the will can take. such has been my experience and so i pass it on so it may not take you by surprise as it has me.

Quote from: jesse on September 01, 2012, 03:16:17 AM
i began my journey at 14 as well within 1 year i was booted from my home had the door of the arch diasis slammed in my face because i was cold and hungry alone and afraid i was raped shot and left for dead in afield only to be told by the investigating officer i got what i deserved. so please forgive the bitterness some will thrive some of us are lost in the end if this doesn't get you something else will. your young live love and be happy the dark clouds are just over the horizon time will come when the regrets and losses have scared more then the heart can repair and the will can take. such has been my experience and so i pass it on so it may not take you by surprise as it has me.

I sympathize with your situation but
Try to find some joy in figuring this out when you're young. I have been trying to live on the cis side of life for 30 years with miserable results. No way  i can go back and do it again and due to health issues i don't have a lot to bring to the party now.
And theres hope for gender equality in your future. Back then (70/ 80s) they would rip the earrings off your ears.
We now have through the internet many ways of making contact with others of like mind.
Back then all we had were gay bars in dangerous neighborhoods. I almost got raped.
You have a lot to look forward to.