so here i am once again trying to piece my life back together again. i have finally reached the end of the rope in my status q. yester i had an interview it went well and it was for a security position. this of course means i will have to cut my hair again i couldnt accept the post she offered me do to my inability to get to it but i hope she has anouther for me. i lost my car a few weeks back i live in a hotel and all my property was lost to auction at the storage facility. transition has been stagnant and if i get the position maybe i can start rebuilding again. hell of a way to be when your 46. depression is an insidious thing it really is its steals your excistance one day at a time until you wake up and realize there is nothing left.
jess

I understand totally Jesse....

I'm 48, struggling HARD to keep depression from overtaking me (medication isn't a cure-all, that's for sure...too much is just as bad as not enough). I've actually been "on the edge" of just quitting my job and giving in to the despair, but thankfully I've been able to develop a few friendships (all trans) and they have been HUGE in keeping me in a good place. My son (16) is incredibly supportive and has been very important in keeping me sane, as well.

Stay away from alcohol if at all possible! *hugs* Hope things keep looking up for you!

*hugs*

Quote from: jesse on September 01, 2012, 04:57:21 PM
hell of a way to be when your 46. depression is an insidious thing it really is its steals your excistance one day at a time until you wake up and realize there is nothing left.

Been there, was a builder with a million dollars in standing inventory for sale when the Fed punched interest rates through the roof during the Carter Administration. I lost everything and finally even my house as I was unable to make enough money to keep it. We had to give our pets away and half our furniture and moved into a dumpy little apartment. At the same time I found that my youngest had muscular dystrophy. I spent days on my hands and knees crying like a baby, snot and tears on the floor.

I looked for employment for six months and was turned away constantly, I must have had a sign on my chest that said "Loser!" Eventually took a crappy job for $7.00 an hour, I worked hard at recreating myself and getting a bright can-do cheery attitude. Eventually I ended up running the company and was back on top. Life goes on, but you have to work at it. The struggle is what makes you stronger, finally you will prevail. Hang in there and stay away form any mood altering stuff, booze and drugs only make it worse.

I am sorry that all of this has happened to you Jess 

I'm in the hard times club too. Both me and my wife are close to 50 and we are both unemployed. We saw this coming and managed to sell our house and moved in with my father in law and cut our expenses before the bottom dropped out. In just a few weeks my savings runs out unless i find a job.

But I know that tomorrow is another day and if I keep the right attitude (which is difficult) I can rebuild. I've been down before.

I sincerely hope that some better luck comes your way soon Jess.

thanks everyone for the empathy its appreciated I'm afraid most of my difficulties stem from my troubles with depression and i have let it get the better of me for to long i think part of it  stems from my therapist reopening wounds to help  me deal with ptsd nut in the end i am responsible for my own feelings and its high time i start acting like the grown woman i am instead of the whiny teenage brat Ive allowed myself to become. i will move on i will fix my self image problems and i will effect a self rescue i admire everyone of the members here on Susans for finding the strength to go on when its easier just to give up
hugs
Jess

Quote from: jesse on September 02, 2012, 12:29:47 AM
thanks everyone for the empathy its appreciated I'm afraid most of my difficulties stem from my troubles with depression and i have let it get the better of me for to long i think part of it  stems from my therapist reopening wounds to help  me deal with ptsd nut in the end i am responsible for my own feelings and its high time i start acting like the grown woman i am instead of the whiny teenage brat Ive allowed myself to become. i will move on i will fix my self image problems and i will effect a self rescue i admire everyone of the members here on Susans for finding the strength to go on when its easier just to give up
hugs
Jess

Depression and PTSD aren't about "growing up", Jesse. It is almost impossible to simply walk out of a depressive state, and I would think it's impossible to get out of PTSD on your own. You're welcome to try, of course...and maybe you'll succeed.

Experience of the docs (and mine) is that medication to treat the depression is crucial to recovery, and PTSD responds well to cognitive therapy--what you called "reopening old wounds." (I have both depression and PTSD, as well as DID). Once you learn why you have PTSD (the specific reasons) you can put it in a better, more easily understood framework, and will recover from it.

Medication...and therapy. You're on the right track.

depresion medication makes me feel nausious so i have stoped taking them and the ptsd therapy is tearing me apart i cant sleep im afraid again im remembering things from my attack that i forgot like the smell of iron so strong that i could taste it the blood melting the snow this was 32 years ago why cant i just let it go and move on ive stoped the cognitive therapy and the therapist told me i would eventually have to deal with it i dont want to deal with it i want it to go away one basard took away 32 years of my life and nothing i can do will change that why do i have to relive it its cruel my depression comes and goes on its own its the black periods i worrie about where i dont know where i go my bodie is here but my brain has checked out this is common in ptsd acording to my therapist and is believed to be caused by seeing smelling or hearing something simialar to the day of the event they have been happening more lately
jessi

Hugs Jesse.  Has your Dr tried different antidepressants?  There are a lot out there, so  changing could be worthwhile.
Just posting here is a start in coming to terms with the past.  Taking one thing at a time is the way to go.

Karen.

I have several friends suffering from depression. Some say that medication has been crucial for them. For others it has been a hindrance and they felt better treating it without drugs.

I think the important thing is to think of it as an illness. It won't get better by itself or just by wanting it better. You need to figure out what treatment is best for you, by trying various treatments until you find the one(s) that work.

Quote from: jesse on September 02, 2012, 01:10:22 AM
depresion medication makes me feel nausious so i have stoped taking them and the ptsd therapy is tearing me apart i cant sleep im afraid again

Absolutely, I understand! Take a break if need be...a couple weeks, a month or so...but always keep the door open. Go back when you're ready...but be sure you didn't bury the pain deeper (as I did)...the hurt will still be there, burrowing its way out...

Quoteim remembering things from my attack that i forgot like the smell of iron so strong that i could taste it the blood melting the snow this was 32 years ago why cant i just let it go and move on

I'm not a therapist, but I'd bet that the smell of iron and the taste of blood after the attack is what kept you alive. Without such strong senses, one could have easily died--it's easy to drift off into death if there is nothing keeping one "here". Those memories are now tied to a sense of living, and as such are VERY
powerful. I have similar memories, but of different things. On the one hand, they're tied to a terribly traumatic event...on the other, it focused your energy to survive.

Quoteive stoped the cognitive therapy and the therapist told me i would eventually have to deal with it i dont want to deal with it i want it to go away one basard took away 32 years of my life and nothing i can do will change that why do i have to relive it its cruel my depression comes and goes on its own its the black periods i worrie about where i dont know where i go my bodie is here but my brain has checked out this is common in ptsd acording to my therapist and is believed to be caused by seeing smelling or hearing something simialar to the day of the event they have been happening more lately
jessi

Yep, I have these flashbacks too. Whenever I see a man I can get several different flashbacks. There are medications to control anxiety, which take effect almost immediately and last for several hours. (For me, that's enough to control the worst attacks)

The thing to remember about meds is that there are a couple dozen out there...some work for some people, but don't work well with others. Prozak, for example, works for about 80% of the people...but for me made me strongly suicidal. Very bad for me. There's another one (I forget the name), made me gain 10lbs weight in a week and made me feel goofy.

Over time, we discovered two meds that individually don't do much, but taken together they help a LOT. Meds are really a trial-and-error process. Be sure to tell the prescriber what you're feeling/thinking, and if *you* think they are helping.

*hugs* again!

PTSD is like GID, it never goes away, but it's manageable once one learns what the triggers are that sets off the episodes and then learns how to avoid them with alternative choices and changing the tape that's running in your head. I have both, one from gender dysphoria the other war related. A good counselor can get you through it giving you the tools to recognize your triggers and ways to deal with it without prescribing any psychotropic brain wave altering drugs.