Since i was little i remember always wanting to be a male. I would reject anything female. Clothes, shoes, toys... i would introduce myself to strangers as a boy. I would dress in boys clothes and i even pretended to have a twin brother so i could play with the neighbor boy as a boy. After i hit puberty i started to realise i wasn't fitting in with the boys or the girls. I decided i was going to fit in and started dressing girly and wearing make up. I even started dating boys, and i enjoyed it. But i would always get dumped and get completely devastated, wondering what was so wrong with me. Ati so always longed to be male, but i would push those feelings deep inside and even hide them from myself. At age19 i married a 46 year old and we had three kids. I loved being a mother and liked to be girly at times, still thinking though at times how i wished to be male. We split up a year ago, and after years of searching online i finally found info on ftms. What i found blew my mind. I was excited, i could finally become the man i always dreamed of being. I found a therapist , but she was no help. I decided it would just be better to stay female, and i told myself i was crazy. That didn't last long. I soon found another therapist who said i could start t without counseling first. I saw her and make an apt. For t the following week. I was thrilled. I came out on Facebook and to my coworkers. I had already told my immediate family. ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan. My friends were supportive but my distant family chewed me out, said i was going to regret it, and traumatise my kids. I got very angry and even contemplated suicide. I was deeply depressed. I started doubting myself. Maybe i am crazy. What if i regret it. I've never allowed myself to date women, what if i don't like it. Will a woman ever accept me as her boyfriend, husband. What about my kids? Will they suffer? What if i miss being soft and feminen in the arms of a man. Who am i? What the hell is wrong with me? I did end up talking my first shot of t. Idk if i should continue it or go back to being the girl society made me to be?

Admittedly I am coming from the other direction, but the way T affects you should give you an idea whether that is the right path for you.  Once I started estrogen I just felt so much better that it was like I was a new person.  Most people who are trans report similar results from HRT. 

Who are you? The same person you were last week I'd guess, just with a few more questions.  You certainly are not alone here.  You have outed yourself to near 8000 brothers and sisters, and we totally understand you. 

I found the main thing that helped me early in the piece when I was still questioning my identity, was realising that transition is a long process, and I could set the pace.  I spent the first 6 to 12 months just people watching, to get an idea of how to really act in public.   I  bought a wig and just wore that at home, rather than even cross-dressing, to get an idea of what I might look like. (sheved head at the time)

Sexuality is something I am still working on, after 3 years although I think I am finally sorting out my issues and baggage.   It took me many years of conflating Gender and Sexual Orientation before I started transition, and realised I wasn't a totally repressed feminine gay guy but a woman.  Up until a few weeks ago I was still rejecting other men as well as the masculine part of my history, but have now started to become comfortable as a Bisexual woman rather than a Lesbian.  It may take a while to work this side of things out, but whatever works for you is totally okay.    Men are still as much a mystery to me as they have been for the last 58 years, ( that should have told me something!) but I am starting to admit that some of them are actually quite cute.  Trans or cis, I still see you as men too, just different plumbing.  There are heaps of women who will love to have a partner who doesn't need to be masculine all the time,  don't worry about that.

I wouldn't worry too much about relationships at this point, friends who are supportive and accepting will be more important.  Unless somebody lands in your lap so to speak, and friends have friends too.  Early in transition we all tend to be a little self-obsessed, which is natural, as we are dealing with some major question about our core identity.  If you can find a local support group they can be a huge help.

If the family are distant, then they have no idea what you have been going through, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over them.  If they truly had your interests at heart, then they would have visited to show their support, not criticised from a distance.  I have relatives I just send Christmas cards to.

Post away, we are a big family with lots of people on here any time, thanks to being spread across the globe.

Karen.

My situation is a little different to yours, but I know a great deal about how it feels to be in that kind of place within yourself. I'm currently in a confusing place in my life, trying to work out what I want to do, and who I want to be. My letter has gone off for me to see a consultant at the gender clinic, but I am still no further forward on what 'I' really want from my life I guess.

I was here before, about ten years ago. I went to the clinic, and was 6 months away from starting T when I bottled it, and I stopped going to my appointments (I'd cancelled them of course, wouldn't dream of wasting anyone's time). I succumbed to peer pressure, family pressure, partner pressure, and every other type of pressure there is. Society told me I should be a girl, so I went to ridiculous lengths to be that way.

I wasn't happy. Somewhere deep down I knew that. Now I'm happier, but still scared. The people at my work know, and I am waiting for the right time to go ahead with changing my name so I can tell my clients who the "new me" is. They won't get the back story, just that I'm new to their account, when I've known them all along. Saves confusion more than anything else. I've chosen a more androgynous name, but I still don't know if that's a good idea or not.

My pseudo-partner/housemate understands, and my best friend... well, he liked to spoil girl me, so it's taking time for him, but he's coming around. My parents are accepting, but a little skeptical I think, given they've been in this situation with me already once before. I guess it's hard to explain to them how easy it is to be lead away from a path as a teenager. After all, it's important to have friends in your teens... and 10 years ago, people just didn't see things the way they do now, and there weren't the same places to go and people to talk to. Maybe if I could have logged online and spoken to a thousand people all at once, I would have had the strength to see it through first time around. I get that it's important to learn about yourself and grow, however I often ask myself if I've given myself too MUCH time as a girl now.

I didn't shun all things girly as a child, but I preferred the boys stuff. My earliest memories are of boys cartoons, tracksuits, Turtles birthday cakes, and wanting an Action Man for Christmas, and not a Barbie. I preferred to be friends with the boys, and always preferred their company. I found the idea of sexual relationships with them a little odd; but in truth, I think I am pansexual - it doesn't matter the gender, just the personality. it makes it all the more difficult though, because you're constantly asking yourself if you have the correct gender, and just the wrong idea of your sexual leanings. My parents always bought me a dress for Easter time, and I wore it with pride - not because I was comfortable in it, but because it pleased them to do it.

I get that it's not an exact science. If only it was. I'd love it if someone could just stick a needle in my arm, pull some blood, and answer all my questions for me - because right now it's hard to know which way is up. Sorry, I feel like I've hijacked your thread. However, if you ever want to talk, I know what you're going through.

Thanks guys. I plan on filing my script for t tomorrow

Although my story differs a bit from yours, I can definitely understand that feeling. I had a difficult time figuring myself out as a kid, especially when I hit puberty. Unfortunately, I didn't exactly have my parents around to help me. So I grew up confused and very angry about not being like the other girls! Why didn't I want to wear a bra, or wear make-up, or go to parties? I hated myself, but I conformed in order to hide myself. It hurt me mentally, and I hurt myself physically because of it all. Until I turned 16- I was in a somewhat steady place, and came out to my closest friends. Then, my close family. And lastly, months later, I came out to my dad, who was never there for me until a year prior. That was why it took me longer to tell him than everyone else. Everyone was very accepting. I even made a speech at my school about coming out, and not being afraid anymore, and to love yourself for who you are. When I turned 17, my ex made himself back into my life. Before, I broke up with him for no apparent reason. But he was back, and for some reason, I wanted him more than ever. So much so, in fact, I began to merge back into pretending to be a girl. I said I was gender fluid in order to be with him. I was with him for almost a year, putting myself through the agony of being something I wasn't. I broke up with him, but didn't tell him why. I just couldn't- I was scared he wouldn't be my friend. Eventually, I told him everything. I asked if we could start over because it felt like we were truly in love. But, in the end, it came back to him being straight, and saying that he would be unable to love me properly if I was a guy. This hurt, really badly. I was in an emotional low for weeks until I finally pulled myself up, and came back out of the closet. I have to start all over again with the transition process.
This sucked, but I learned a lot about myself during that relationship, and I learned the lesson of what I was telling everyone else- I needed to be true to myself, and be who I am, and not change who I am to make anyone else happy.

Again, this is definitely a bit different than your story, but I still do understand what it's like to be someone you're not for someone else.