Im shy so I never talk to the counselers when in need
I some times talk to some of my friends
but that only helps a little wial

and if I tell my perants that im depressed then they will ask why
then what will i say if you dont want me to tell them Im Trans

Ah you're in this stage. The stage where you know what you want, but you keep making excuses to keep yourself from getting it. I know it's hard. I've been there. But you need to give yourself a kick in the pants. You want to get better. Focus on that. Don't let anything get in your way. Don't let anyone hurt you and don't let anyone kill you including yourself.
It's worth it. I know. I've been there and I know that nothing beats feeling the depression losing.  I don't know about anyone else, but I felt invincible myself. Like, if I could survive that, nothing was going to stop me. It's a powerful, wonderful feeling. Trust me. You don't want to miss out on that.

Quote from: zelda on August 15, 2012, 07:34:47 PM
Im shy so I never talk to the counselers when in need
I some times talk to some of my friends
but that only helps a little wial

and if I tell my perants that im depressed then they will ask why
then what will i say if you dont want me to tell them Im Trans

It's not the depressed person's job to know why they are depressed. It isn't like feeling a little down, or being sad. Depression messes with everything. Believe me, if people had to know why they are depressed before they got treatment for it, very few people would be getting the treatment they need. Describing the symptoms is enough, really.

This is what depression feels like to me:

I feel numb. It's hard to feel anything any more.
Everything hurts. It just hurts to be me.
I don't know any more what it feels like to feel good about myself.
I try to cheer up and I can't. I just want to crawl into bed and never get up.
I want to feel good again but don't know if I can.
I know I need help but I'm afraid to open up to anyone.
I don't feel like people would like me if they really knew me.
I feel so alone.
I feel like nothing matters.
I don't have any hope.
I don't like myself.
Feeling like this scares me, but I don't know how to make the feeling stop.
My sleeping patterns are messed up.
My eating patterns are messed up.
I feel like I'm messed up.

Hope that helps!

Hi Zelda,

Everyone here loves you. We want the best for you. YOU are the ONLY one who can get it for us.

Quote from: zelda on August 15, 2012, 07:34:47 PM
Im shy so I never talk to the counselers when in need

No more excuses please!  YOU need help and YOU need it NOW. TALK TO THE COUNSELOR

Quote from: zelda on August 15, 2012, 07:34:47 PM
and if I tell my perants that im depressed then they will ask why
then what will i say if you dont want me to tell them Im Trans

Answer: I don't know why I'm depressed. THAT'S why I need to talk to a professional therapist (whatever)

Please. Do not waste any more time. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get.
DO IT TODAY

Huggs
Catherine

would coming out to my youth pastor be much help

Depends. Is he LGBT friendly?

Hi Zelda,

Quote from: zelda on August 16, 2012, 07:12:34 PM
would coming out to my youth pastor be much help

On one condition. He is able to put you in immediate contact with a professional therapist that can assist you with your depression/GID. Otherwise NO!!

If you approach him, your first question to him should be, "Do you know of any good therapists I can speak to about my depression?

If he asks you why? You may tell him "I am feeling depressed a lot of the time, and I have a gender issue that I need to talk to a gender therapist about."

If he suggests you talk to him about it, ask him if he is a qualified psychology therapist. If he is not; then politely decline his offer.

I have to ask? Why won't you talk to the school nurse/ counselor? Is there a problem there? The longer you take in doing the right thing about this, the longer it's going to take to fix it.

I have had direct experience with Pastoral counseling. And it does NOT work.

Generally speaking Pastors are NOT trained in psychological counseling. They are trained in theological ministry, which can lead to an inappropriate form of counseling. Pastors are predispositioned (Lean towards the belief) that god can cure you through ministerial actions.

This is totally and utterly WRONG. Depression and GID need to be treated by Psychology professionals.

Matters of faith and spirituality need to be treated by Pastoral ministry.

Please look after yourself.

Huggs
Catherine

parents wont help and its getting worse
almost killed myself a week ago

Hi Zelda,
I was wondering how you are doing and hoping you were ok. It sounds like you are still really hurting. Have you talked with anybody about how down you feel? We are here for you, but we need to make sure you are getting support where you are too.
Hugs,
Madeline

no one is really helping me
my parents wont help
about the only help I get is talking with my friends
and that help doesn't last long
I also can keep hurting myself

Hi Zelda,
I'm sorry that you are still having a very rough time. If there is something you would like to talk about, we are here for you. You can share your feelings (and your problems, if you have any). If you have questions you will find answers - and more questions. The key is to start sharing your experiences and feelings and questions here, then your friends have something they can help with.

I think every one who answered your question about coming out to a parent or to the clergy were very concerned, only because many of us have been there. It certainly is not universal - some parents and some church people are surprisingly supportive and understanding - BUT many many people receive rejection and worse when they come out. Getting rejected or thrown out of your home and your church community can be too much to bear when it comes on top of the pain of dealing with your own feelings related to your gender identity. Many young people who live at home have lost their homes and their families when they came out - which is why we were asking you to be cautious about coming out, and to put getting help for your depression first. It also makes it much easier for your family to have a chance to understand your gender differences if you are getting treatment from professionals first.

That's why we are hoping you will call a hotline if you are feeling suicidal, and we are hoping you will tell your doctor, nurse, school counselor, or yes parent (if they don't have religious beliefs against therapy) about your depression so you can get in to a PROFESSIONAL therapist or psychiatrist to treat your depression. That won't make the gender feelings go away, but it will help you feel your strength and how wonderful you are inside. Because it takes strength to come out. It will also give you an opportunity to start talking about your gender feelings, so that when you are ready to come out at home, you will be prepared.

The other thing you can do that does help is to come out here, and to share your story, and to read other people's stories. I hope you feel better about yourself soon. You are a one of a kind work of art with a good mind and a good heart. When you are hurting yourself in order to handle the hurt inside, it is time to talk to a doctor, nurse, or professional counselor. You can feel better. You can feel a lot better.
Hugs,
Madeline

there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about killing myself
but at the moment I have little will to go through with it
For I know it will get better
I just hope soon
I am trapped and cant do the things I want to do
I am fine a lot of the time but I always have stuff that triggers me and then I'm in pain , hate my body and start hurting it
mostly cutting
I just cant help myself
I cant remember the last time I was truly happy

Zelda, no one's going to hold your hand.  Hurting yourself won't help anything.

You are going to have to summons the courage to talk to a school counselor, tell them you are depressed and suicidal, and ask for help.

DO IT NOW

Quote from: zelda on September 06, 2012, 06:53:34 PM
there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about killing myself
but at the moment I have little will to go through with it
For I know it will get better
I just hope soon
I am trapped and cant do the things I want to do
I am fine a lot of the time but I always have stuff that triggers me and then I'm in pain , hate my body and start hurting it
mostly cutting
I just cant help myself
I cant remember the last time I was truly happy

Oww. That all sounds way too familiar.

Okay. Yes it's really bad. And I'm so, so sorry it's really bad. But this isn't a thing that will get better on its own.

I know it seems impossible and terrifying to ask for help right now. But it's actually not nearly as bad as you have it in your head. In fact the way you are living right now, that is much, much harder.

The first time I stepped into a therapist's office, I was so scared I was literally shaking. We ended up talking about her little dog for 15 mins before I could calm down enough to tell her why I was there. But from there it started to get better really fast. As soon as you start feeling like you are doing something to make things better that trapped feeling starts to go away, and when that trapped feeling starts to go away you don't want to die so much anymore.

And if my shy, scaredy-cat ass can do it, you can do it. Just try to break it down into little bits. It's not overwhelming. All you need to do is make an appointment with a school counselor. Don't think about anything else, anything that might come from it. Just think about that first step. Make an appointment. Don't think about what you will talk about. You can talk about your favourite colour for all it matters right now. Just make that appointment. It's not that scary. It's not even a big deal. Lots of kids see the counselor for all kinds of reasons. It could be about figuring out what classes you want next term for all anyone needs to know. Okay?

And the truth is you aren't nearly as shy or scared or weak as you are thinking you are right now. You are still breathing despite how bad it is remember. You are tough enough for that, you are courageous enough to keep yourself alive. It doesn't take nearly that much courage to go talk to someone. Compared to the keeping yourself alive - it's easy. You can do this.

Zelda first of all you are not alone. All of us have gone through this. You should be proud simply for accepting yourself for who you are.

The path to happiness is full of hurdles and fear will try to hold you back at every turn. Our mind tends to make things far worse then they are. The best thing you can do is face your fear and push past it. Remember that even the worst rejection is better than physically hurting or killing yourself. Your life is worth more than the comfort of others, even your parents.

I took 20 years to come to my senses and face my parents over this issue and when it was all said and done they have been very accepting and supportive even if they are uncomfortable with the whole thing. If your parents truly love you they will love you no matter what you are even if they have trouble showing it immediately.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I know I am not alone
but I am never proud of myself
I will start being proud of myself when I am free
Its just that even the little steps are killers

Quote from: zelda on September 08, 2012, 08:32:38 PM
I know I am not alone
but I am never proud of myself
I will start being proud of myself when I am free
Its just that even the little steps are killers

The little steps at the start were the worst by far for me. I couldn't handle it. I ended up dropping out of high school, trying to kill myself and drowning in depression for a good decade. I was 26 when I finally worked up the nerve and the will to do something, to make those first little steps.

I have... a lot of regrets from that. I wish I'd had the strength to start fixing things back then. I wish I'd had someone to tell me that it doesn't have to be so scary, that things can work out.

And in a lot of ways I'm a success story. My parents, my family, have accepted that this is who I am, and they love me regardless. I've medically and surgically altered my body to the point that I'm actually pretty happy with it now. I look good enough that only the people I want to know, know that I'm trans. And most important, by far, I'm happy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm not hating myself, I can get on and actually live my life, rather than just surviving.

It makes me really sad that I was so scared of this. That I had to reach a point of such pure desperation before I could bring myself to do anything. I... think you can do better than me. Because you are here, looking for help, and I didn't even have the guts to do that. So, to be honest, you've already taken the first little step. And I think you're pretty awesome for doing that. That's something you can be proud of. Now you need to take that next little step. It's a killer, but it's worth it.

Zelda it is time to switch to Xena, Warrior Princess mode and just march into your ciounsellor or psych's office and let it all out.  How can it be worse than it is now. 
We are behind you 101%, but only you can do it. 
As others have said, putting it off just makes it worse, and you find yourself  married with 2 teenaged children and stuck in a life that is like drowning in cold porridge. 
You can do better than that, as you have shown by outing yourself to 7000+m people here.

Karen.

going to have a nice long talk today with my parents on the subject
wish me luck

Quote from: zelda on September 11, 2012, 06:31:38 PM
going to have a nice long talk today with my parents on the subject
wish me luck

Awesome!

Remember sometimes it can take a while for people to come around. Even if the reaction is negative, it doesn't mean they don't love you, and it doesn't mean they won't eventually accept you.

And sometimes people surprise you. I just got a card today from my 75-year-old aunt who goes to church every Sunday, addressed to Sarah and wishing me the best with my recent move.

I hope everything goes well. Best of luck.