My wife said very clearly that she wants to know what's going on.  She knows I've been on a forum a lot from time to time, and I figure it may be better just to let her look at the last month and a half or so.  Is this stupid?  I'm known for doing dumb things once in a while, so be honest.  Have any of you tried this?  And if so, did it do any good?  Also, if any of you object for any reason I will not argue, and will immediately scrap the whole idea.

Of course I'd go through and delete some dumb posts before I did anything.

I'm not comfortable when a spouse says, "Thou shalt allow me to look at thine posts" because often there's a hidden "...or else". If you said firmly "No", what would she do?

My wife (ex- ) never insisted on seeing/reading my posts, but I did offer them for her. She has enough trust in me that she never needed to see what I'd written...either that, or she just didn't care (that is true, also).

Be aware she might not like what she reads.  I would reread every post and ask if you really what her to read this or that.

What would be the worse possible outcome of such revealing.

I always thought that it was important to share everything with your best friend, unless there's something to hide.

or the other side my wife reads alot of my posts it helps me talk about things that bother me i kept them from her for a long time no more though

Do you mean, as a means of coming out? She knows you're on a forum but not which one? I guess that's a way, but I'd tend to think that something directly addressed to her would be better.

If that's not what you meant, well, there are two questions to ask yourself. 1. How do you feel about it? Do you mind it? 2. Is there something on here that might offend her? Did you complain about your wife? Did someone complain about how XX your wife is?

I think it all comes down to how you see it. If you feel your privacy is a little violated, or that she's not minding her own business, you probably shouldn't show her. If you don't mind and actually see it as a way of letting her more easily on feelings you've been having trouble expressing, then you probably should show her.

Quote from: Gretchen on September 07, 2012, 09:52:03 PM
I always thought that it was important to share everything with your best friend, unless there's something to hide.

...Or she's known to fly off the handle for the smallest things, if her insecurity is touched. One does not need to share with an abuser.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 07, 2012, 10:12:18 PM
...Or she's known to fly off the handle for the smallest things, if her insecurity is touched. One does not need to share with an abuser.

One does not need to be with an abuser either, life is to short and transition is way to important. If you can't share everything with your partner then what's the point of being with them?

Thank you girls.  I'm glad I asked now.  Letting her see the posts would be an offer that she could take or not.  Obviously it'd be great if she said no.  Even though I've never said anything bad, and I think there are only statements of love, there likely are a lot of posts that need to be delete.

I'll see what everyone says tomorrow morning some time. But you have good points about taking some caution with what she sees.  But then it makes me look like I'm hiding something.  This idea isn't looking too good yet.

K

Have your wife join the site then you both could read each other posts. It could be a fine way of opening up the communication and neither of you will have anything to hide.

Personally, I'm against showing. I actually don't believe in this idea that successful relationships require full, total disclosure all the time. On the contrary, everyone's entitled to their own private space and to have conversations or express ideas that they might not want their partner to share. We are all individuals. The fact that we choose to share a huge part of our lives with another person does not mean we need to lose that individuality, or the right to privacy within a relationship.

I don't demand or want to know about my wife's private communications. And there are things that are private to me that I don't want her to know, either.

This forum is my refuge, the place I can say things I can't say, am not ready to say elsewhere. It's very, very private and that's the way it stays.

Your wife is entitled to know what's going on.

More than the participants of this forum are.

Quote from: Carlita on September 08, 2012, 12:32:39 AM
Personally, I'm against showing. I actually don't believe in this idea that successful relationships require full, total disclosure all the time. On the contrary, everyone's entitled to their own private space and to have conversations or express ideas that they might not want their partner to share.

I agree with Carlita, and would go even further. I would say relationships where members have no boundaries are unhealthy.

That said, everything posted here is public. You can't stop her from joining Susan's and seeing your posts if she wants to.

I do think there are boundaries that ought to be maintained, but in my view if I was willing to put it online for anyone to see, it couldn't be anything secret enough that it has to remain private from her.

My wife is free to read my posts, even the ones where I am negative or frustrated with her, surely she would understand that it isn't all rainbows and sunshine from either of our perspectives.

An important piece of information is missing before I can weigh in. That is, have you ever cheated on her? Does she have a valid cause to think that you are/may?

Article after article all go on over "You know your spouse may be cheating when....." with "chatting" with people on-line being way up the list.

There are few secrets between my wife and I. She self describes as pathologically honest. Could even be a stranger. In my case it just eats me away inside if I am hiding something from her she should know. But even given those factors I would still rather not have her read them. But, if she felt that she needed to for whatever reason, I would likely relent. Jealousy and suspicion are cancers that will eat away at even the strongest relationships.

I've told my wife that she is free to join any site that i'm on and see what i've posted. I told her that what I have posted was for the most part unvarnished and that she should be prepared for some possibly unpleasant things if she reads them. I gave her the site names and I have reason to believe that she logged on to at least one of them.

The only problem I see for you is whether you've posted information somewhere that you've not told your wife? Having her find out a secret that way is problematic.

It seems to me that there are some trust issues at work here - having her read your posts sounds like a great way to open up the lines of communication and begin to build trust.

I would say no, because some things are private issues.  But if she wants to know more about your feelings the genuine you is right in front of her!  Just ask away.

Carlita, AG, and Rita.   I understand, and have benefitted from the open aspects of the forum.  This is one place where we can discuss problems with a group of individuals who all must live inside one small societal subset.  And so while I was away in July and August I adamently promised myself to never denegrate or mischaracterize any individual in this group in any way.

And Joanne.  I have never cheated on my wife, although she feels very cheated right now by my fully coming out to her.

But to eveyone I've ever talked to on the message board there is a big appology here.  When I finally joined this forum after lurking for several years I know several of my posts were laced with untrueth in order to protect myself or it was used as a means to make something more relavent.  This is shameful and I freely admit my fault.  It discredited my posts, has made me less trustworhy, and worst of all discounted the forum.  Even though the misrepresentations didn't specifically relate to any questions that I may have asked, they did purport differences in how I was currently living my life.  No one should condone my actions in those earlier posts as necessary in any way.  And I now condemn myself for this misuse of the forum.  But these early posts may be things my wife needs to see.  I am not always a good person, and covering up a very difficult part of my life has become so routine it scares me to think it's done so eaily. 

So if I catch myself trying to "ADD EFFECT" to my posts I immediately erase them and just don't post.  Part of the 6 week absence from this forum was spent thinking about truth and honesty, and how I viewed my transgender being.  If the things I say can't be completely accurate now, then those words will never be posted.  And to that end I go back to my very first post where I said I was living as a man, and always would.  Yes, I am living life right now as a man, and there is no timetable for me to move past this beard and these man-mode days.  My gender therapist knows about my life and she advised me to let go of the things I can't change or they would just damage the rest of my life.  There is no telling what's in the future because it is a day to day life now, but if you're willing to accept my faults then I want to continue with this forum. 

I must offer these posts to my wife for my own sake.  And since I just did so, when and if she ever wants to read them is her decision, not mine because my decions are obviously flawed.

I am sorry, Kathy

I'm very uncomfortable with the idea that honesty somehow requires disclosing every single thought or idea or wish or whatever. No relationship can handle that type of brutally complete disclosure because we often think and wonder things that may not stick in the long run. And once you admit something, it colors everything else and cannot be un-admitted later. Once you speak something, it cannot ever be un-spoken. Once your spouse reads something, it can never be un-read -- even if you have long ago moved on and changed your thinking.

Honesty in personal relationships of all types (especially marriage) requires disclosing those things that really do matter. But not everything matters, and it's up to you to decided whether a certain piece of information crosses that line or is just part of the process of figuring out who you are and where you're going. The test is not, "How would my spouse feel if she read everything I ever wrote?" It's more like, "Is what I'm writing really who I am? And, if so, is it dishonest to hide this part of myself?"

With those closest to you, some types of disclosure could be devastating to a relationship -- and needlessly so. Conversely, some types of withholding could be equally devastating. Only you can figure out where that line is for your relationship.

But it's never the case that your every thought or instinct or feeling needs to be blurted out. And sometimes that's how people use online forums, as that place where things can be blurted out and sorted through later. You can edit or delete posts later, you know. So it makes a perfect place to try out exposing your feelings with relative safety knowing that such feelings may fade into irrelevance. You can experiment in an effort to find out what you really think or feel, and to get feedback which may actually change how you think or feel.

Despite feeling like a public thing, as long as your identity is not compromised, forums can be the safest and most anonymous place in the world. You can type things to strangers that you would never say to a person standing there looking you in the face. And you can get brutally honest feedback that social conventions would never allow one-on-one.

Being brutally honest and fully-disclosing with yourself (and probably your paid therapist) is an absolute must, but what you give the rest of the world, including those with whom you have intimate relationships, is a different matter. Social honesty does not require everything, only those things which actually matter.

So, to the question at the top of this thread, I don't feel like you have any obligation to let anyone read your posts, especially if -- as you admit -- some of them are not wholly honest. That could open a can of hurt which would be unnecessary.

If you were using this forum to actively avoid admitting something, that would be a different story. But it sounds like you are using this as a scratchpad, in which case you have every right -- and a bunch of good reasons -- to keep it private.

Lora
http://translora.wordpress.com

I would treat this as a private space unless your wife was totally accepting and supporting you in your transition, in which case she would probably be on here as a SO anyway, and would be able to read them.

If that is not the case, then I would not, but it is a personal matter between you.  Just be aware that there will be consequences. Good or bad.

Karen.