I find my reaction to the procurement of my first purse rather interesting. The first thing I wanted to do when I got it was to clutch it like it was some kind of faux-leather teddy bear.
I don't know why this item means so much to me. It's not like it's a bra I can pad out to give me breasts or a shaper to get my tummy into a more feminine profile. It's just a utility item since designers seem to think we women can't be trusted with decent pockets!
Last night I got to fill it for the first time so my wallet and keys are in there already. I don't know why placing those items in there feels so momentous. I should be getting my HRT letter next month. I would think THAT would be a bigger deal! Well actually it is. On the testing they made me do I have one answer that I know the head doctor at the clinic is going to find real interesting, and I'm worried that's going to delay things. I never brought it up before in my sessions but I found out in 2000, when I tried to transition the first time, that my dad cross-dresses. I had no idea as a child, though it does explain some of the dresses mom never wore. Anyway, there was a question on the test about does anyone in your family cross dress and while I thought about lying, I couldn't make myself do it so I answered honestly. With lots of "I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW' adorning it. ( ´ο`)=3
But for now I have my purse. Too bad I don't have someone who I can freak out with it. I seem to recall a pop culture reference about men being afraid to go in purses, afraid of what feminine things they will bump into. Maybe there's a hint of taking ownership of my femininity in getting my purse that's making me so happy. I guess that makes some sense.
Or maybe I should stop over analyzing it and just be glad I'm glad.
I'm sure it will serve me well and get a lot of use too. I was living near full-time for the first half of this year. Every once and a while now, since needing to get a new job and go back into the closet (graduate school debt to pay back after all), I have flashbacks to the rhythm I enjoyed in my life back then. Yes, it was hard to experience things like a woman going on a tirade on the bus about, "If God meant for men to be women he'd of given em' [colorful metaphor]s" every time she caught a glimpse of me. Still, being authentic to who and what I am made life easier than what it's been for the last few months where I spend the bulk of my time faking being a man. That and knowing I'm more ladylike than she was, despite our physical starting points in life.
My SO also moved in with me, ending two years apart. In away that's been good. She's seen me degrade in my ability to function as a man which has allowed her to say it's okay for me to begin HRT and she thinks dealing with me transitioning will be easier for her than dealing with me not transitioning. I don't know what will come of HRT, I'm 34 and believe to my core I'll have to end up being happy with knowing estrogen is flowing through me. Yes, I know other's have had great success starting at my age and later, but I'm prepping myself for the worst mentally. If on the other hand it works, and I get to that blessed place where people "ma'am" and "miss" me even when I think I'm presenting as a guy, I fully expect happiness to come with no additional effort. Though I do imagine I'll need a fleet of purses then.
And shoes.
And tooth whitening toothpaste as I expect I'll be smiling a lot more.
