ugh so my grandmother has pretty much disowned me, no cards for christmas, no mention of my existence, and when I was in the hospital and they weren't sure if I would make it my mom called her and she said "I dont want to hear about it"

Well, its the weekend of my dads wedding and everyone has come.

They  (grandma and grandpa) came into the room and god my anxiety was awful.  I just sat there as everyone else went up to greet them.  My grandmother hasnt sent me a single look.  I went up to my grandpa and said hello and gave him a hug.

Then we had to have dinner, at first my grandma was a seat away from sitting opposite of me, btu then she switched to be further away from me.

Then there was the wedding, same thing no looks or anything, my grandpa sat next to me for a few moments and made small talk. 

Oh THEN I saw my aunt, I havent seen her in probably 12 years, and she sees me, I am wearing a full lown suit, with white shirt and tie and she looks at me and says all sad "Hi maggie"  punch in the chest, I do not think she did it purposfully, but did she really need to even include a name? why not just "hi"?  Then her husband introduced himself a few moments later and i shook his hand with a "hi, Elijah"

Then after the wedding they took pictures, and earlier my grandma kept going on about "get pictures of the guys, pictures of they guys, they look so alike its uncanny!" (the guys being, my brother, dad, and grandpa) Of course I am excluded because I am "not" a guy, even though I look EXACTLY like my brother.  Anyway they ended up doing those pictures, I was so pissed of at being excluded from that kinda special moment, the men of the family, felt like a complete punch to my itentity, like.. the men of the family but I am not in the pic.  I had to go walk away at that moment because I was so angry.

Its not like I am all boo hoo I miss my grandma, I dont really care for her company and the only thing I miss from her is her money she used to give me.  So thats not why I am mad, guess I am mad cause its just so rude, its a major insult.  My mom keeps telling me "well, she is missing out"

Anyway, pretty crappy weekend, I just wish my boyfriend could have been with me to make me feel less unwanted, ignored, and crappy, i go home tomorrow, and I still have one more encounter with my grandma, dinner tonight.

Its just super awful to have to be in close contact with someone who hates you and has disowned you.

Ugh, that sounds just like my family. Sorry to hear this happened to you. If it helps at all, you responded an awful lot better than I probably would have.

Revenge. You should laugh in her presence about the fact that she's old and going to die soon.

That sucks. They should have included you as one of the guys.
lol Poptart.

Reminds me a little of at school prom and they had a group photo of all of us, with girls one side and guys the other and I was kinda cringing at the thought of standing with the girls, not to mention going to stick out like a sore thumb being the only one in a suit, until they stuck me in my own little space in the middle

man that really sucks. people dont realize how unfair it is to make someone else feel so uncomfortable just because of their own bull****. if i were you i would've just went in the picture anyway. are your bro and dad supportive? why didnt they stick up for you?

Quote from: Poptart on September 02, 2012, 06:10:40 PM
Revenge. You should laugh in her presence about the fact that she's old and going to die soon.

I laughed so hard.

Sorry to hear about that though. . I know what it's like when people go out of their way to exclude you and emphasize that you're excluded for gender reasons (ie: making sure they throw in the word "boy/boys, man/men, guy/guys). It's extremely frustrating, especially when you're kind of trapped and can't avoid them without some type of repercussions.

I wish the best and that you make it through with minimal issues at dinner.

I am very sorry to hear this. That is some extreme rejection. Of course you are upset...Action like that is very violent spiritually, and your grandmother, while she obviously trusts her own opinion of reality more than reality itself and thus is evidently unaware of what she is doing, is being quite cruel. If I were you I would send a letter saying as much, but thats just me. Good luck. x

that sucks i hate how people exclude me from the men in the family. also im having trouble with my paternal grandmother and my maternal grandfather and my mothers uncle who we call my uncle even though he is my great uncle. i hate it i have to be around them when the family is together. my maternal grandmother is my only living grandparent on that side she is really religious so i think she might have hang ups because of that.

Quote from: Jude on September 02, 2012, 07:39:07 PM
man that really sucks. people dont realize how unfair it is to make someone else feel so uncomfortable just because of their own bull****. if i were you i would've just went in the picture anyway. are your bro and dad supportive? why didnt they stick up for you?

Because they are that big old P word, my dad especially. and my brother is kinda supportive but "loves his nana" i dont even know.

I kinda wanted to jump in the picture and I was planning to jump into the second picture, but I guess nana's talk of "the guys" kinda did make me feel like less of a man, less of part of the family, and I just watched them standing there and saw how tall and masculine they were and I just felt like if i stood with them i would just be silly looking, like little girl playing man, which is what my grandma surely thinks I am.

Quote from: Noah on September 02, 2012, 08:22:39 PM
I am very sorry to hear this. That is some extreme rejection. Of course you are upset...Action like that is very violent spiritually, and your grandmother, while she obviously trusts her own opinion of reality more than reality itself and thus is evidently unaware of what she is doing, is being quite cruel. If I were you I would send a letter saying as much, but thats just me. Good luck. x

I am trying to just be over it, I have already sent her a voice mail a few years ago telling her how i felt bout her reaction to me coming out to her, and its just like no longer having a grandmother, BUT I may have my mom send her another voicemail just so she can get a little of what she deserves, my mom already called her scathing after the hospital thing "Elijah your grandson is in the hospital and we dont even know if he is going to make it and you do not even care, how dare you!" and hung up on her.

Quote from: Poptart on September 02, 2012, 06:10:40 PM
Revenge. You should laugh in her presence about the fact that she's old and going to die soon.

she is also going senile, apparently she wanted my dad to mail her something, and she said she wanted to be sure to cover all of the costs and she made him go to usps to weigh the envelope, and she wrote him a check for 22 cents

but yeah, she wants to pretend I don't exist, well whatever, when she is sick and dying i wont feel bad at all, and i wont help her with anything, as far as I am concerned I no longer have a grandmother, and even if she did realize how terrible she was acting and ask for forgiveness, I would not forgive her, nor would I want her friendship or company because I don't want someone capable of something like that

Lovely how easily some family can just write you out XP. These are also usually the same people that talk about family loyalty all other forms of crap they don't believe in. My mom goes through the same thing with her sisters. They judge her for not being Christian enough (even though she's a better Christian than them @_@), getting divorced from my father (even though they knew he was a junkie wife beater), and from dressing provocatively for work (bigger tips). They only suddenly love her when they want to borrow money XP. What can you do though? Just keep your cool like you did, it shows you're the better man.

Just also wanna add that you did the right thing not to blow up on her at the wedding. Since it was your dad's big day, something like that would've been really messed up and would've made you look bad. At least this way everyone sees grandma's crazy and you're doing your best to put up with her.

I know exactly how you feel.  I was just at a funeral this last weekend for my cousin's grandmother, not blood related but I grew up knowing her.  As I was in line to give my condolences, my cousin would not even acknowledge me.  The evangelical, love thy neighbor Christian was petty enough to give me the cold shoulder at his grandmother's funeral.  And his grandmother was accepting!  At a funeral!  I couldn't believe it.  There were a couple other relatives who were also mean, but also some who were very sweet and kind. 

Most people in my life are sweet and kind.  It's just some of those stupid relatives.  It hurts, but I try to leave those people behind so that I can have more time and energy for all of the positive people in my life.

Disowned by my mother here.. it does happen. It's anything but pleasent, and I feel just as much loss loosing a parent, as she probably does a child. (if she cares).

Awsome that you look like your brother tho !

Catherine <3

Quote from: Elijah on September 02, 2012, 10:53:30 PM
Because they are that big old P word, my dad especially. and my brother is kinda supportive but "loves his nana" i dont even know.

I kinda wanted to jump in the picture and I was planning to jump into the second picture, but I guess nana's talk of "the guys" kinda did make me feel like less of a man, less of part of the family, and I just watched them standing there and saw how tall and masculine they were and I just felt like if i stood with them i would just be silly looking, like little girl playing man, which is what my grandma surely thinks I am.

aw man elijah. you dont look like a girl playing man at all. youre a handsome dude. just remember that her opinion of you doesnt matter, only your opinion of yourself. and your mom seems to have your back? a mom is one of the best allies you can have.
its so messed up that your bro and dad would take your grandma's side. youre their brother and son after all, shouldnt that be more important?
my grandmother lived with my family for two years and my mom ended up kicking her out because she told her "if you make me pick between you and my kids, im picking my kids". my grandmother hated my brother and my sister but loved me and my dad and caused a lot of problems in my house. it got to an unbearable point and my mom ultimately picked my family's wellbeing over my grandmother's mindgames. it kinda sucks because now my mom is estranged from her whole family because of this pretty much. but in the end it was the best decision for my family and thats what my mom cared about most.

thats really amazing that your mom took your side, especially if it was her mother, ya know? awesome though

the same situation is happening with me, more or less. Family is so annoying

Oh Elijah, That is so sad what happened at your dad's wedding. But you are right, the problem is hers, not yours. It is unusual that your dad and brother did not stand up for you. You may want to share your feelings with them. As for the voice mail,  that is possibly not the best way to convey important things. I think a letter - if you have the stomach for it - works because people can read and reread and consider the contents. Of course, your grandmother does sound like age is getting the best of her, with that in mind, perhaps just telling yourself that she is a "crazy old bat" may be the best thing to do.

At least your brother, dad and mom are accepting, and you know - that says a lot right there.  You are very lucky.

So sorry to hear this, Elijah. I know you must be hurting, and justifiably angry, about this; who wouldn't be? I don't want to be like, oh, my life is worse than yours, but I know what it's like; my grandmother is actually suffering from delirium, which means she doesn't know anyone anymore (so I have no clue what she thinks of my transition), and my dad and only brother disowned me about two weeks ago (for the second time). My mother is FINALLY, after 6 years of knowing I'm trans, beginning to come around, though the most she will do is introduce me to other people as Luc (she still uses female pronouns and calls me by my birth name in private). It's a struggle for a lot of us; hopefully, your grandmother will come around. I know it's got to be pretty tough to have to deal with that kind of animosity, particularly when it affects the taking of cherished photos, etc.

Just if you felt like a little commiseration. Keep your head up, bro; you're looking great, and obviously a pretty strong guy.

Luc

Quote from: Luc on September 08, 2012, 08:12:08 PM
Keep your head up, bro; you're looking great, and obviously a pretty strong guy.

Ditto, in spades.

Quote from: Elijah on September 06, 2012, 05:47:25 PM
thats really amazing that your mom took your side, especially if it was her mother, ya know? awesome though

yeah it must have been really tough for her but my mom's got her priorities straight i think.
in my opinion, if you bring kids into the world it's your job to look out for their wellbeing no matter what. even if the rest of your family does not agree