Spouses feeling cheated or betrayed by your not telling them your deep dark shamefull secret is not uncommon. I have one ex due to that. My current wife who knew almost from day 1 some 30 years when we first started dating feels betrayed. While for 30 years I have been absolutely sure I had no desire to transition after having tried and stopped twice in my 20's, that is turning out not to be so absolute as I began the process of addressing many of life's issues which somehow led either directly or indirectly to being TG.

The possible hurt or sense of betrayal she may feel from reading your posts are trivial in comparison to the betrayals her mind will imagine as she weaves amazing scenarios with the power of imagination. I suspect that once her curiosity is satisfied she'll loose interest in the posts. She will have her proof that nothing sinister is going on (ie: hookups, hrmones, guys) and the two of you will likely be doing a lot more talking about you, your feelings, and your thoughts about what direction this exploration may go.

And.... just how sure can you be she isn't already lurking? No signup is needed to read posts. How well have you covered your tracks as to what sites you've to? Cookies that may reveal your screen-name? On Susan's there is always the "Just for us" area for issues, vents/rants you may want to keep from her eyes.

In other words, if you want any hope of riding this absolutely major excrement storm out and saving your marriage, perhaps even seeing the both of you grow stronger through sharing this crises, you should fold and go for full-disclosure. Otherwise you are likely to wind up in a marriage death spiral of false accusations and distrust, from both sides.

No guarantee how fast, or if ever, her feelings of distrust will abate. It's been about 2 years for my wife to finally come around and fully trust me and to believe that I will never leave her, either as part of a transition, or just to stay as I am an running off with one of the women from my group since I do have a prior history of dating TSs.

Hi Karen, and Joanne.    I offered my posts to her and she said no without looking at me.  That was followed by "I'm not ready, and it's going to take a long time".  After that is was a very silent morning. 

And Lora.    I checked your link, and you have wonderful posts that seem quite introspective to your deisire, and very aware of how your male body controlled your life.  I hope you stay on Susans and post for us. 

To explain further about my mistruths, here is a brief expose about the decisons to start HRT without prescription or counseling.  I lied on the forum about self medication, because I continued to medicate even after expounding a decision to stop.  Although I had set up appointments with my doctor, she was actually unaware of what I was really doing.  In the quest for advice from others here on Susans, I manufactured a cover for my use of unprescribed hormones, and indicated the doctor had prescribed the low-dose I was on.  This is what I'm ashamed of, and what my wife needs to know.  But she won't discuss it with me, and she will not read these posts. 

The trouble I had in June with my doctor is very truthful, and our converstions were repeatd on the forum honestly.  And of course, the truth included the difficulty is securing a therapist through my heathcare provider, since that was a month-long hell.   But, recieving the advice and approval of a therapist or Endo was contrived, because my doctor refused to refer Endo Unit until just last week when she was asked to do so by the psychiatrist.  And so in late June I ordered hormones and Spro again to satisfy the compelling desire to take the only substance that makes me feel more complete and alive.  I couldn't wait the two months it would have taken to talk to a therapist again.  And even though the Chief Psychiatrist for Trans Health had called me several times, I even lied to her about how much I was medicating. 
 
And so I am still self medicating, but this time my therapist and wife know about it.  I will continue until Tuesday morning when I meet the Endocrinologist face to face for the first time.

My two months in Michigan were filled with lonely but productive days.  Not only was extensive work done on my home, but that time was spent considering my future.   This has been a strange life, and I warmly thoght of those happier days as a child, and my older days with my family.  But the warm thoughts were always puntuated by the indescribable horror of molestation by a creaton teenager when I was 8 years old, and the discuting advances by older gay men when I reached my early teens.  I only hope these people died deservedly horrible deaths, and were burried without markers to thier existence.  But all the good and bad in my life was thought through, and I hope I came to terms withl the ghosts and dragons that haunted me. 

I know estrogen has helped me place some sort of value on each part of my life.  I am sure you all understand the "true self" that estrogen unlocks, and how it makes decisions for a transwoman more understandable.  I now just want to continue, but this time with medical help.  So if I live but one more year I am happy that it's with Kathy alive inside, and Joe on the outside.  But I want to live 20 more with Kathy in and out. 

The name Kathy actually came from the doll "Chatty Cathy" but with a K to match my real last name.  I wanted that doll so much when I was a child, and it was never to be.

I would say no, most people find it disturbing to sneak around in what other read, from sms messages, to email, or post on the forums.
it would probably also be harder for you to speak openly about something if you know your wife will see it.

Hi Natkat.  What's done is done.  I also think it was a mistake, but maybe a necessary one.  She doesn't want to read them anyway, and I won't push.

My wife suffers from information overload. It took a while for me to learn that fine balance between holding back and TMI. I suspect your wife may never want to actually read your postings. Just the fact that you offered her the opportunity to was enough to ally her immediate fears and lack of trust.

It can take weeks or months for her to absorb all that has happened and is happening. Often missteps are made by us because the floodgates were opened. We actually told the most important person in our life our deepest darkest secret. Nothing gets held back and the sense of now you can charge ahead overwhelms you. Just keep in mind how many decades it took for you to come to some sort of understanding about who you are. Someone who hasn't lived it will not absorb it all in a few days or weeks. Even for those who have lived it, it may take time. Afterall the entire definition and dynamics of the relationship is suddenly in flux. Worse is her having to come to a resolution about the relationship now that she knows this critical piece of literally life changing information.

Up untill a few weeks ago the one and only thing I hid from my wife was HRT. I knew from past experience the great relief I obtained from temporary low dose HRT to reset my thinking and feelings. Much of the personal growth I achieved over the past 2 years would not have been possible without it as temporary became permanent. My wife very much recognizes that growth, something she has been helping me with and hoping to see for much of our time together. She recognized my potential to change and to loose a lot of my negative thinking. I thankfully give her 90% of the credit for me being the person I am today. None of the advances I achieved would not have been possible without her.

honestly kathy b, I really don't think self-medding HRT is such a bigge. Then again, I'm very laissez-faire when it comes to your body, so take it with a grain of salt.

Well Joanne.  Wives do play a big role in our lives, and after a time my wife and I have come to thnk very much alike.  With the same interests it makes planning our projects a lot easier.

Yes Ave, I know how you feel.   I'm using my medication until the new script is written on Tuesday.  But this forum does not condone, encourage or promote discussion about the subject so that's about all I want to say.  Except that I concocted a story that should have never seen the light of day.  And I need transdermal patches or injections at my age to protect against serious health complications, so the Endo is necessary to track my levels and hopefully help me stay healthy.  I paid extra for my health plan while I was working in order for it to pay for medications now.  And since they cover HRT I want the meds from them. 

K

Should I let my wife read my posts
Started by kathy b

NO tell her to let you have some privacy and if she wants to know more than have her just simply ask you her questions..

Tell her you also respect her privacy and will ask her any questions you have for her.

Also answering questions is relevant to the depth of your relationship 

I have been trying to keep my mouth shut on this one...

I think a lot of women and particularly wives seem to think that everything about being "trans" is sexual.  I remember when I told my mother I was going to a gender conference years ago for a surgery consultation she told me to be careful and I asked why and she said something about it all being about sex in a hotel with other trans people.

Well... she was right.

When I went to that famous gender conference it was easy to see how such a thing could be construed as a sexual hookup place for "men" because it was.  It was a sexual hook-up place for men or more specifically for males i.e. the M in M2F.

So...

I would say that if you intend to remain with your wife or female partner then by all means allow her to read your posts.  Because otherwise she is going to be wondering about this thing you are going through and whether or not it is about sexual hookups and stuff.

I know not everyone who transitions or is trans or who crossdresses is wanting sex with strangers but due to the nature of testosterone and biology a whole lotta peeps are.

Let her know you aren't one of them by allowing her to see that this is not a sexual hookup site.

Hi Amazon and Noey.  I had something typed up but I somehow lost it.  So I'll try again. 

I considered the privacy aspect and it worries me that she will know some very personal things about how I deal with my problems.  She already knows I make mistakes, so this could easily fuel any argument she has against me.  But she's has no desire to read the posts, and may not unless she decides we need to seperate.

As far as the sexual aspect goes, I explained in June and again on Thursday that my gender has nothing to do with sex, and that I'm not gay, or in any way attacted to men.  And have never had an affair.  But, since there is no trust left inside her, I doubt anything I say is acceptable right now.  But she's an RN with access to medical reviews and journals that I could never access.  She said she's reading those to know where I could be going. 

As for your point on hookups.  It's odd about how many men passionately hate transsexuals, and how many others pursue transwomen for sex.  I don't know how others feel, but it seems pornography has a growing negative impact on the entire transsexual and transgender community.  And this is rapidly spreading as a stereotype.  Although I am concerned in general, I am obviously too old to be singled out for harm, or sexually in any way.  No idea how this stereotype will effect the community in the future, but it definately will in some fashion.

Kathy

Quote from: kathy b on September 09, 2012, 05:18:51 PM
Hi Amazon and Noey.  I had something typed up but I somehow lost it.  So I'll try again. 

I considered the privacy aspect and it worries me that she will know some very personal things about how I deal with my problems.  She already knows I make mistakes, so this could easily fuel any argument she has against me.  But she's has no desire to read the posts, and may not unless she decides we need to seperate.

As far as the sexual aspect goes, I explained in June and again on Thursday that my gender has nothing to do with sex, and that I'm not gay, or in any way attacted to men.  And have never had an affair.  But, since there is no trust left inside her, I doubt anything I say is acceptable right now.  But she's an RN with access to medical reviews and journals that I could never access.  She said she's reading those to know where I could be going. 

As for your point on hookups.  It's odd about how many men passionately hate transsexuals, and how many others pursue transwomen for sex.  I don't know how others feel, but it seems pornography has a growing negative impact on the entire transsexual and transgender community.  And this is rapidly spreading as a stereotype.  Although I am concerned in general, I am obviously too old to be singled out for harm, or sexually in any way.  No idea how this stereotype will effect the community in the future, but it definately will in some fashion.

Kathy

this bothers me. I don't mean you particularly, just this whole subtext of "I'm not gay" has a rather homophobic tone. As if the idea of man on man love is repelling to TRANS people of all people.

And anyway, seeing as how you're attracted to women and take HRT, doesn't that make you...um...kinda gay?

The issues of gender identity and sexuality (or sexual orientation)  need to be kept separate.  They can confuse the issue.

Yeah. I get the point Ave, but it was an expanatory statement for my wife.  And yes, if I transitions today I would consider myself lesbian. 

And thanks Jamie.  That's the last I will mention it.

I just mean that many people assume that being transsexual has a lot to do with sexual activity, in general.  So a spouse might have that concern.

Oh, I misunderstood Noey.  Yes in June she did think that maybe I was somehow tied up a sexual adventure. 

Kathy,
This is not me 'designated area' so to say but I felt a very strong need to respond to your initial question as to letting your wife see your Susans posts...

As an SO, her want/need (or not) could stem from something as simple as curiosity. Or it could come from a deeper place such as she isnt sure you are being completely honest/open with her about your feelings. I know for me personally, it is easier to post my true thoughts on Susans than it is to say them out loud to my wife. As an SO I would highly recommend AGAINST hiding the posts from her. All this will do is instill insecurity in the relationship. She will constantly be wondering what you said and if it has anything to do with her or is in some way negative. The only thing I can recommend is COMPLETE honesty within the relationship. I see so many people here saying that spouses dont need to know everything the other person is thinking... And while this is true in most couples... I do not think it applies here. Your wife needs to know what you are feeling. Honestly feeling. If she feels that you are keeping something from her then it is only natural for her to show an interest in the things you post. If you are in some way distant from her, emotionally or otherwise, she is going to want to get inside your head... Trust me, been there... If you hide it from her she is quite likely to find some other way of seeing it.
  I agree with Joanne, if there is something you absolutely cant let her know for some reason, there is the 'Just for Us' section.... I will also say that Full Disclosure is a necessity if you are hoping to either maintain or create an honest, open, trusting relationship... I wish you the best of luck with your wife and hope you can start rebuilding the trust you had with her and vice-versa.

Quote from: kathy b on September 09, 2012, 05:18:51 PM
Although I am concerned in general, I am obviously too old to be singled out for harm, or sexually in any way.

You are NEVER too old to be singled out for harm!