Joann said quite a few great things. Honesty hurts but is the only way to hope things will eventually work out. Your spouse may be loosing her husband, many of the same phases of grieving after a death apply. Not only to her, but you also. At least in my case I've gone through those stages several times
My wife knew very early on some 30 years ago about my "hobby". She also ws told how I twice tried experimenting with transitioning and twice reconciled that in this lifetime my only realistic option was to continue on as a guy. However, I never stopped the ocassional cross-dressing. Actually the NEED to never stopped, only became escalated at times when the excrement hit the air handler.
Yet it was still hard for my wife to come to grips with me seeking out a TG support group followed my a therapist. I had lost my job, got another one some 350 miles away. She was stuck at the other house. I was alone, isolated, working in a job as a mindless cog of an engineer for a defense contractor after being a super-star for various small companies over the course of 30 years. In other words life became hell, I started some self destructive behavours and eventually applied the brakes. After a lot of self-examination I saw that being a trans something was at the root of many of my life's disasters. I present as very male in male mode so that was by far not the issue. All personality traits. So I took the TG monster head on.
It has been a lot of hard work and tears to keep things together to this point. She has a very hard time seeing a future with us together. What I say about my feelings, intentions, and plans does not matter. You see, she has seen and heard it all time and time again years ago. For she is a post-op MTF. She may eventually prove right.
I believe that for the spouse dealing with the posibility of transition is harder. They are the passive partners along for the ride. Ultimately powerless in any decisions you come to make.
