Like I used to be so obsessed with the transgender thing. I would think about it 24-7. It got really bad. But now I think about it but it definitely doesn't consume my thoughts.

I've yet to start T but it feels like life would be so much easier just being a "lesbian". I think about how I hate certain things and what not but going through transition is so much. Having to deal with others around me and what not. Especially in the work place.

My fiancee is the only one who calls me by male pronouns but honestly sometimes it just feels like a joke because I hear my voice and see my body and it's just like "Who are you kidding?"

I see my therapist next week. I guess I'm just down at the moment. Hopefully it gets better.

I guess the part where it doesn't feel real is just looking at myself, not being on T, not binding or anything and not getting gendered correctly ever.

More or less my current situation. At first it felt like something mandatory I could not take out from my head, and now, transition  just feels overwhelming, along with a new though of "maybe in the end it would not be that bad to remain as I am now. Life would be easier. No coming out at job, not having to leave home... I should not go to that therapy appointmen"


Unfortunately, I did the same thing with my other inner problems. Sometimes really worried and wanting to to solve them, and a few days later "Maybe I can live with it". Until a few years later, they got worse. And I just wisht I had taken the effort to face them years ago instead of reaching my current situation. With the trans thing? I'm afraid or repeating the same mistake.

QuoteI guess the part where it doesn't feel real is just looking at myself, not being on T, not binding or anything and not getting gendered correctly ever.

This. Seeing my face, my voice... It just does not feel real. But as somebody told me yesterday and I was dumb enough to not listen to her, maybe it's about taking small steps and not obsessing about the current state.



Go for it, bro.

Starting out my transition I felt as if I had just committed to taking a trip to the moon. It seemed like an impossible fantasy and it was very difficult imagine that it would ever actually happen, but in the end it did. Believing that I would make it in the end was a gigantic leap of faith and it took a huge commitment to make it happen. I don't think I've ever committed to anything before or since like I committed to transitioning. If you want it bad enough you will get it, but you have to keep going even when it seems hopeless, and often it does seem hopeless. At least it did to me, especially in the beginning.

Transition takes a long time so what one really needs to do it focus on the short term goals. We all have the ultimate goal of making it across the finish line, but honestly, the good stuff is really all that happens in between. You get your hormones, your new name, your body changes, your face changes, your mood and personality changes, you loose or gain facial hair, you have your first pass. Slowly but surly your true self emerges and you get your new life. Focus should be placed on all the small and partial goals along the way, because it is really the sum of all of these that make up the ultimate goal. There are some amazing moments along the way so focus on achieving those one at a time. Crossing the finish line was for me kind of anticlimactic compared to the rest. It was nowhere near as exciting or rewarding as the rest.

There's another thread on the forum currently about the benefits of being trans. Now that I think of it maybe the real benefit for me was transition itself. I'm not sure I'd want to do it again but it sure was a wild and absolutely amazing ride.

Oh God, I felt that for so long @_@. Many times I considered just forgetting this whole mess and trying to live as a woman again. I would tell myself that being one isn't so bad, I'd just be a little different and who isn't different at least a little bit? Then after like half an hour I'd rage quit and go back to being me XP. Being a woman isn't so bad, but it's not me. Thankfully deciding to live as male full time recently has actually helped a lot with those feelings. Even when I get missgendered or have to deal with someone who's not cool with this, I know I made the right choice.

I'm not saying you need to come out, that's something that's best done when you're ready. It took me about a year to build up the courage to come out to just one person, and another two to finally make it to this point, and I'm glad I waited until I was ready. I hope you feel the same liberation I did when your time comes.

I wish I never had to be anyone but who I know as Jason.

I try my best to forget there was ever a time like that, so I totally understand.

But even then, my past still follows me and I don't want it to be part of my reality.

Thanks guys. It helps knowing you aren't alone and that others have been on the same boat. This funk I'm in probably has to do with other things just getting me down. Oh well. Hopefully I get over things soon. It's just hard being positive when you feel like crap.

To answer your question, all the time!!

--Jay Jay

It's definitely not easy. I found myself wishing today I could just have been a cisgender woman, because living in-between, waiting for T and then waiting for T to help you pass as yourself is truly hell at times.

It's definitely been difficult over the years to have to "play the part" of female when that isn't me at all. And even now as some of you already know, it's been bothering me lately just to even be included in that female world. But at the end of the day, I don't really care about transition at all. I've come to realize that I don't care if there's the F on my birth certificate at this point in my life (like if people just gendered me as male FIRST I wouldn't care how their head would be f**cked if I had to show them my ID and they see the name and an F on it lol In fact, plenty of that sort of thing has already happened in my life). Had I actually had the option to transition when I was a teenager I would have jumped at the chance, but it's also difficult for me to picture how much my life would have changed had I done that. I might not have ended up in the same place I did, with the same people, etc. For all intents and purposes I like the rest of my life. I have an awesome house and any creature comforts I want, I have a spouse who loves me, I have friends who love me, I have a pretty cool career, fun hobbies and natural talents. My only real problem is that I don't have the fully functioning male junk I want (and that wouldn't happen even if I wasn't opposed to surgery) and I just don't want to be included with the rest of the female population. So lately my goal is androgynous male in appearance. If people looked at me and weren't quite sure, but leaned more to male than female, that would make me happy. I may consider "coming out" to more people who do know me just so that they don't do the whole female inclusion thing with me more. As far as feeling like it all isn't real ... well, it IS my reality that my brain and body don't match. All my experiences to date are also reality. It's not like I'm faking it to myself. When I look in the mirror I don't like parts of what I see but that doesn't make how my mind functions any less real. Not sure if that makes sense. I'm just all about finding the right personal balance where I'm happy with myself, I'm happy interacting with people ... just generally happy.