Those of you who have read my previous threads will know that I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to love and romance, and all of that sappy stuff...but the truth is, that I want it...a lot, and I'm scared of it, and I feel like I gave up the greatest thing that ever happened to me. The biggest problem being that it dangles there right in front of my face practically every day.
In order to understand the situation, let's go back a few years, to 2008. I was eighteen years old, and it was March. I went to Anime Oasis up in Idaho, and I was cosplaying Light Yagami from Death Note. I made a few friends, due to the handcuffing I did to many willing L's while I was there. Through those friends, I met a Renji cosplayer. An absolutely gorgeous Renji cosplayer, mind you...authentic looking tattoos and everything. I won't say that it was love at first sight, but I sure was infatuated, and definitely convinced that he'd never look at me twice. I spend nearly a week up there, the anime convention lasting four days, and of course, I practically clung to him the whole time. Hell, I even ended up having an extremely emotional conversation with a Rude (FFVII) cosplayer that I barely knew...in a glass weight-room right in the middle of the hotel where everyone could see us - and I didn't care, never mind the fact that this complete stranger was offering to go buy me a condom so I would be safe if I needed it (Funny enough, I found that very sweet actually)
But I never really confronted said Renji cosplayer, at least, not at this point, even though I did dish out some pretty obvious hints - namely because, at this point, I believed that I was a lesbian. The con came and went, we exchanged email addresses, and cue the hopeless bouts of text messaging (We live in different states) Funny enough, we managed to get very close over those IMs, and by the time the next con came around a year later, I felt like I'd known him all my life. Again, we were super close, things were great, but I didn't tell him how I felt - it was sort of unspoken between the two of us, like we never even had to say it. Ah, but I'm over romanticising, aren't I? Well yeah, Probably.
About a year or perhaps two later, he said that he was looking for a job as a surgical technician. So of course, I mention that he should look down here and that my stepmother's sister works at a hospital and that there's an opening for a surg. tech. So he comes down, and spends a weekend in a hotel room...with me. Needless to say, things went pretty fast, we didn't sleep together, but we practically went from friends to a Hell of a lot more overnight. We didn't say that we loved each other, and we didn't really go past touching or anything...well, Kissing too...buh-durrr.
But then, he left...and I stopped talking to him...completely.
I got scared. I was terrified that things were going to get serious, and I had to think about whether or not I wanted this...well, him. But I overthought it all, and by the time we starting talking again, I'd obviously hurt him...a lot. Not to mention that right after that, I ended up hooking up with a friend of his...a girl, while I still thought I was a lesbian. It didn't last long, and I felt like scum, but he never seemed angry at me for it, he seemed to understand. Even though I had no idea what I was doing.
We saw each other during the next con, maybe a year or two after all of this, and he still didn't seem hostile with me. We went back to being just friends...very cuddly friends. And even after I told him that I was getting a sex-change, he didn't seem repulsed, but he did seem a little...let down, like I'd just completely slammed the door in his face. He doesn't like men, not like that - even if he didn't have an issue getting a blow-job from one years ago. He supports my transition, and has expressed that he's worried about me and the surgeries, since he knows about all of the complications that can happen when someone's under.
We still talk...a lot, and he constantly teases and flirts with me. We bring up what happened...during the hotel room thing, and I've made hints that I miss him and I've even asked him outright whether he thinks that it could have worked out between us if I didn't start a sex-change. He's the only person that I'd ever consider saying that I might love, even if I haven't seen him in person all that much. If you clocked all of the time that we've actually been face to face, it's probably been less than a solid month. I know it sounds silly, but I really do think the world of him, and I do want another chance with him. But he still lives out of state from me, and I'm damned sure that he'll never look at me romantically again, but sometimes, the things that he says gives me hope that he will. He's always been a flirt, and I know that, so I never quite know what he thinks about me anymore.
I often wonder if he still hurts from what I did those few years ago, or if it's just the sex-change that has pushed him away. But I also feel like I'm just twisting a knife in a stab wound every time that I ask him those kind of things.
To make things...more interesting...we might be sharing a hotel room in October for another con. He seems to miss me, and I really just want to spend time with him. I'm really stuck between...if we do go to the con together, whether or not I should make any moves towards him, I probably shouldn't, but I also have no idea what I'll do if he does...blagh...I feel like such a mess right now.
Any experiences like these, guys? ... Or gals?
