Good evening. It is odd. The more I try to look back into my past, the more things I find that seem to reassure me that the transgender thought is not something I developed in a bout of OCD thinking, like I wanted to believe at first. It was something more at a subconcious level or that I only regarded as "my personal oddities and quirks" that nobody had to know. But when the doubts started is when I started with the active countering (Think of when Homer though Bart could be gay and put him looking to a Marlboro Ad). These are a few of the things I tried, hoping they would be regarded as "manly" and that I only needed to straighten myself:


- Training myself to be a strong drinker and be able to compete with a few friends. It never worked, as alcohol always puts me into a depressive state. I tried to get used to strong beers and talk about it with other co-workers or friends... Seemed macho. Sadly, it was not very compatible with sports, so I quickly abandoned it.

- Grow muscles. When I first lost fat, that's when the thoughts about a wrong body started to arise. So I tried to hypertrophy the muscles and look like one of those calendar dudes. Did nothing.

- Grow a beard. Hey what could be more macho than that? Unfortunately, it seem I can't grow anything but loose hair patches on my face

- Hetero porn. Maybe watching a lot of women and sex would reassure me... Looks like it worked the opposite way when I realized what was exciting me.

- Acting transphobic when hearing the TG topic. Afraid that if people knew I was supportive they would look at me as "gay".

- Getting into destructive relationships. When I started to realize something was really wrong. The last thing I tried, and easily the worst. I just wanted to reassure myself I still worked properly and was interested in chicks, sex, etc... Unfortunately, it only made the dysphoria worse.

- Try to convince myself that it was only a sick fetish or self induced autogynephillia.

- Try to convince myself I was gay or bi, since it would be an easier path

- Blame another mental disorder for it. After a few months of therapy, looks like I am more sane than  I was thinking...



In the end I ran out of denial mechanisms. Anxiety and depression rose until I had to accept it. Then they came again, registered in Susan's... and ended making an appointment with a Gender therapist.

What did you do in your denial stage? In my case, I still keep making lists of pros and cons, and telling me I probably am not from time to time, but seems to have little to no effect.

OK - here are my answers to your points...

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Training myself to be a strong drinker and be able to compete with a few friends. It never worked, as alcohol always puts me into a depressive state. I tried to get used to strong beers and talk about it with other co-workers or friends... Seemed macho. Sadly, it was not very compatible with sports, so I quickly abandoned it.

Used to drink whiskey. Now I never touch the stuff. I have over 2L of the stuff in the cupboard

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Grow muscles. When I first lost fat, that's when the thoughts about a wrong body started to arise. So I tried to hypertrophy the muscles and look like one of those calendar dudes. Did nothing.

Tried that. Got soooo bored at the gym. Gave up.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Grow a beard. Hey what could be more macho than that? Unfortunately, it seem I can't grow anything but loose hair patches on my face

Mine was not bad around the chin but thin elsewhere.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Hetero porn. Maybe watching a lot of women and sex would reassure me... Looks like it worked the opposite way when I realized what was exciting me.

Never liked porn.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Acting transphobic when hearing the TG topic. Afraid that if people knew I was supportive they would look at me as "gay".

Never felt comfortable doing that because I always wanted to be female even though I was certain it could never, ever happen.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Getting into destructive relationships. When I started to realize something was really wrong. The last thing I tried, and easily the worst. I just wanted to reassure myself I still worked properly and was interested in chicks, sex, etc... Unfortunately, it only made the dysphoria worse.

I never did this.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Try to convince myself that it was only a sick fetish or self induced autogynephillia.

No - I never did this either.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Try to convince myself I was gay or bi, since it would be an easier path

I thought about it and wondered about it, but it was not me.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AM- Blame another mental disorder for it. After a few months of therapy, looks like I am more sane than  I was thinking...

I blamed the universe. However I was wise enough to know that if I had been female I would not be me.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 09:17:37 AMWhat did you do in your denial stage?

I stayed busy. I never allowed myself time to think. I studied hard and often read until 2am so that I could not stay awake any more and sleep claimed me. I challenged myself by studying what many regarded as the "hard" subjects - Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Computing, Cosmology. I learned to fly, I got an advanced driving certificate, I learned to sail, I learned to write, I learned to cook. I did whatever it took to keep my brain so busy that it never had time to question anything other than the stuff in front of me.

Eventually I ran out of stuff that interests me and then the problems hit because the one unsolved problem I had left was me. After a breakdown in the Doctor's surgery I was referred to a mental health team who diagnosed GID and referred me to a GIC. That is when I stopped living in denial.

There's a scene in the movie American Beauty where Carolyn (Annette Bening) is in her car and starts crying. She then repeatedly yells "Stop it!" while slapping herself in the face. That's basically how I dealt with it.

I thought of my GD as a defect or imperfection. Those of us who lived through the VHS era are familiar with the worn out or damaged tapes with lines of static and flickering. It was annoying but we suffered through it. In the end though the tape got so bad there was no denying it had become unwatchable and would have to be thrown out or replaced all together. I chose the latter.

The annoyance of it and sense of betrayal by life got to me in a big way towards the end. My behavior was totally out of control at times. There was this one incident at my very peak when I droped lots of acid and speed, drank a case of beer and went to an underground party where I was all up in everyone's faces yelling and screaming that I wanted them to kill me. Not good, not good at all.

contracter paramedic, with trips to africa. not smart but hey....it was a macho shot...welll sort of.

I don't think I did anything much to convince myself otherwise. I knew at some point I would have to transition. It was difficult  gathering information pre-Internet about the feasibility. I started HRT a few months after I got hold of a 1K bit modem which got me into contact with the TG community in the Usenet. I met a few M2F and was convinced.

I never did any self-harm. I was far too vain for that...and still am. Oh yes, almost forgot the cutting between my legs with a razor. Thankfully, no scars.

Quote from: MariaMx on September 14, 2012, 10:22:05 AM
There was this one incident at my very peak when I droped lots of acid and speed, drank a case of beer and went to an underground party where I was all up in everyone's faces yelling and screaming that I wanted them to kill me. Not good, not good at all.

Wow - and I thought I was having a bad time with constant low-level torment for decades.

Because I feel we should always looks for the positive in any situation, mine was less damaging to me, but yours would make a far better movie scene than mine.

I tried really, really hard to be a gay man.

Quote from: brc on September 14, 2012, 10:40:55 AM
Wow - and I thought I was having a bad time with constant low-level torment for decades.

Because I feel we should always looks for the positive in any situation, mine was less damaging to me, but yours would make a far better movie scene than mine.

My life up until transition was an extreme one for sure, and even worse things happened at times. Incidents like the one I mentioned were really out of character for me as I'm actually an introvert and quiet gentle person, but I was outraged, self-destructive and I hated myself. Most of the time I lived my life as if it would most likely expire within the next 5 minutes, and a few times it easily could have, but I didn't care. Nowadays I'm pretty happy and I like my life. It still feel a bit like I could die any second, never could quiet shake that feeling, so I've learned to enjoy and appreciate life more.

I used to like this song pre-transition. It seemed fitting to the life I used to live. Somehow it still does but in a very different context.

Quote from: brc on September 14, 2012, 10:04:14 AM

Eventually I ran out of stuff that interests me and then the problems hit because the one unsolved problem I had left was me. After a breakdown in the Doctor's surgery I was referred to a mental health team who diagnosed GID and referred me to a GIC. That is when I stopped living in denial.

Thinking about it, that's when the things really got tricky for me, after running out of activities to fill empty time slots and stopping wasting my life on videogames. In the moment I tried to sort my life, this appeared on top of everything.

Ps: Sorry.

Let's see.

Got married three times.  Had four children.

Shaved head.  Grew a full beard.

I would literally beat myself in the head, trying to drive it out.  When to a therapist, who said it was OCD.  Even tried to convince myself I just talked myself into it.

Alcohol, which would only bring it out more.

Video games, first person shooters.  Macho right?

Work very male jobs.  Truck driver, auto mechanic.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 14, 2012, 11:27:12 AM
Video games, first person shooters. Macho right?

Odd. I hated ultra realistic "brown"  violent fps and GTAs, usually labelling them as "bullcrap for teens that need to feel "macho"".

Oh yeah, I got married too, forgot about that .

Well, getting married to a straight woman was the denial. I'd still like to be married to a woman!

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 11:14:29 AM
Ps: Sorry.

What for?

I didn't do anything like that 

I always just liked what I like and most of it happened to be girly stuff 

I brushed myself off as just weird.
I made a lot of stupid mistakes with guys because I knew the hole I felt was from the lack of a guy. I didn't realize that I was the guy.

Well, at first I just told myself that getting a "sex change" was wrong, and that God made me a woman for a reason. That I just had to wait a little longer, hold out, my prince would come and make me feel like a woman, I'd have babies and the white fence and the whole shebang. Then I'd be all content and happy and realize that this was what was right for me all along.

I told myself all woman felt this way.

I told myself, after suspending my belief in God, that gender didn't matter. That I could just be this awesome hippie lesbian and it would all be fine.

I told myself that I had a political duty to remain a woman to combat sexism and homophobia through my own existence.

I told myself I only wanted to be a man because I watched too much straight porn. So I tried fantasizing about having lesbian sex, to "honour" my true genitals (lol), but it failed and was painful and awful.

As my mother said to me last night: "You tried (to be) that and it turned out that is not who you are. So now, you have to be you and stop trying to please everyone because you can't."

I tried the 'grow a beard' thing:



Lasted about a week or two.

I was crossdressing a lot when I was a kid. My Mum once told me she knew I had been doing it since I was 11. And I obsessed over Star Trek and model kits, anything really, just to keep my mind busy and that feeling of being wrong away.  But at 18, I joined the RAF:



Didnt last. Being in a room full of guys made me really uncomfortable. And in the end, even my C/O thought I was "A square peg trying to fit a round hole."

So, I became a hubby and a parent. I don't think that getting married was an attempt though. It was and still is, genuine love for my wife and children. And even though John may be gone, I'm still Dad, which is better than the deafening silence when you lose your kids and come home to an empty house.

I became increasingly depressed as the years went on. I couldn't take being a guy anymore. When I finally had a knife to my wrist, that's when I knew I had to change and just let go. I had to be the real me.

Quote from: Keaira on September 14, 2012, 12:50:04 PM
I tried the 'grow a beard' thing:

Every time I see one of your "old" photos I simply can't match them yo the current ones. No FFS?

How familiar  I knew when I was 4 something wasn't right, that I should have been a girl. However, it was plainly stated that aint the way things are. So growing up I tried my best to just try to get along with boys. At least to some extent I was spared some bullying over the multitude of targets I presented. As I got older I got a bit better at being a chemeleon. I also got really good at stuffing.

I used what I call the 3D system to get by. Distractions, diversions and a dose of denial. Denial mostly directed at me being a TS. I did all a lot to convince myself that I was just a cross-dresser. After all, I liked girls & didn't mind the dangly bits all that much. Sure, I was praying and wishing as I grew up that I would wake up as a girl. OK, during sex I could really really get aroused by imagining I was the woman. Oh yeah, whenever I saw a woman wearing something I really liked my first thoughts were always I wish I could look that good in it. But! I liked girls & didn't mind the dangly bits all that much.

I also satisfactorily, completely, and undeniably answered that little "How about transition?" question... twice. Tried HRT, tried part-time, tried guys. THe HRT part was nice, cleared a lot of the fog in my head. The part-time thing, well, I always felt like some guy in a dress. The fantisy of being with a guy didn't live up the reality. See, I really do like girls.... OK so the transition question is still up for grabs as it is now time #3 and is being very seriously considered

Diversions and distractions came easy. I had a career which was really an extension of my hobby. So I easily buried myself in my work. Being a big romantic the women I became involved with became the center of my life. Though some knew about my other "hobby" dressing became a once or month or so necessity for survival, always done in the privacy of the home, often done in complete privacy. See, I told you, just the occassional cross dresser. Pay no notice to how for the most part there was nothing sexual associated with dressing once I got into my 20's. Happens when you get old right? Just like no longer getting spontaneous erections. Yeah, that's the ticket  Gettin old. Works for me. Older, wiser. OK so you do feel so alive, joyous and no longer like "some guy in a dress" but the real you. You like what you see in the mirror You finally feel proud and confident about being you. But hey, I am just an occasinal cross-dresser with maaaaaybe some tendacies towards.... Ocassional as in every day after work or you start stuffing your face with food or booze to stop the over the top death match going on your head. But! I liked girls & didn't mind the dangly bits, all that much.

4 years ago I shaved my entire head. If you have seen my picture you know I looked goofy. I think thhe other bit was me trying to hold back any of my girlish ways. It was hard enough when I would get caught by my very guy friends saying something "gay" to them.