I have my job, I was doing well with school, I was in a great relationship, and I'm on my way to getting my T letter. My fiancee just decided to break up with me. We have been together for almost two years. It would have been our two year anniversary next week. 

I didn't get a warning. It just happened. I worshipped the ground she walked on. I treated her like a Queen. She accepted me for everything. She says she still loves me and that this isn't permanent but she has just left me hanging. She says she needs to figure her life out. That she doesn't know what she wants. How is this fair to me? I have given up so much of my life for her. She made it seem like everything was so great. All of a sudden because she doesn't know what she wants to do in terms of career, she dumps me.

We live about 2 hours away from each other. Last time we saw each other was March. Apparently our relationship was added pressure. How? We talk on the phone. I don't expect crap from her. We were each other's best friends. And it seems like everything is so easy. She says she needs to focus on herself. I supported her through EVERYTHING she went through.

The other day, even though this happened I was helping her look for jobs. I was doing everything I could to help. She said I needed to worry about my own life. Or something along those lines. That hurt me so much. I was trying to make her happy. She keeps saying I need to stop worrying about her and worry about myself. That I need to focus on myself rather than someone else.

Is any of this fair? I am so pathetic. I keep hoping she will take me back and I see that isn't happening any time soon. My motivation to do anything is gone. The relationship we had is gone. We don't even talk the same. We barely talk. I feel so alone.

Sorry, dude. You have your family here if you need us. Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks so much. It just hurts a lot. I didn't abandon her when she was going through all her extremely bad periods of depression. Her feelings always mattered to me. And it seems like how I feel doesn't matter at all.
Oh well, that's life right?

Thank you so much Devlyn. That's why I wrote on here. I really have no one to talk to. I don't want my family thinking bad of her. I just need to vent.

Buddy - I feel your pain. I myself am going through a break-up. In fact, all of her stuff is packed, sitting on my living room floor. She is out of town and I am just patiently waiting for her to get home tonight, collect it, and leave. And on Thursday, everything was fine and dandy, madly in love.

I don't know what to say other than to send you some love. I think a lot of us know what you are feeling right now. I know that doesn't help, cause not much is going to help when you feel the way you do.

My (soon to officially be) ex accepted me too, and I, like you, treated my girl like a queen. I legitimately could not have done anything better. I was perfect, and that takes a lot for me to admit for having self esteem as low as I do.

Sometimes, you gotta realize it just doesn't have anything to do with you.

I don't know what the girl you were dating was like. Maybe she really needs some space to focus on her. I can tell you one thing though, you can try and figure it out all you want....but it is useless. No one knows what is going on in her head, except for her. And she might not even quite understand why she feels the way she feels.

Hang in there as best you can.

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  No matter how hard you try you can't make anyone else happy, you can contribute to it, but it's up to them to make it work.  Is it 'fair', nope.  But it's love and not some sporting event so 'fair' doesn't enter into it.  And LDR are hard to keep up, you haven't seen her for more than half a year?  Perhaps she needed/wanted something/someone more available, more on-site, more intimate then you could give her.  Two hours away and you can't get together in the flesh for more than 6 months, that's a warning sign right there.


I worshipped the ground she walked on. I treated her like a Queen.
Perhaps that is really the root of the problem.  Adults want relationships based on being equals with common goals.  They seek partnership not pedestals.  And feeling like you are on a pedestal is very tiring, and though it might sound nice from the outside it's constant fatigue when you're up there and feel like you never have the ability to relax, let your hair down and just be a regular human.

Quote from: tekla on September 16, 2012, 11:48:26 AM
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  No matter how hard you try you can't make anyone else happy, you can contribute to it, but it's up to them to make it work.  Is it 'fair', nope.  But it's love and not some sporting event so 'fair' doesn't enter into it.  And LDR are hard to keep up, you haven't seen her for more than half a year?  Perhaps she needed/wanted something/someone more available, more on-site, more intimate then you could give her.  Two hours away and you can't get together in the flesh for more than 6 months, that's a warning sign right there.


I worshipped the ground she walked on. I treated her like a Queen.
Perhaps that is really the root of the problem.  Adults want relationships based on being equals with common goals.  They seek partnership not pedestals.  And feeling like you are on a pedestal is very tiring, and though it might sound nice from the outside it's constant fatigue when you're up there and feel like you never have the ability to relax, let your hair down and just be a regular human.

Trust me, just because I treated her amazing doesn't mean she couldn't be a "regular human". The distance isn't the issue. I know that for a fact. And neither of us have a car. That's the problem. I got this job so that I could see her. So much for that huh?

My last/first relationship had a sort of similar ending. Really, what it seemed to be was that she wasn't sure if she was ready to commit. Things were getting into the together forever territory and she wanted to see who and what else was out there before settling down.

Maybe she wants to be more independent and wants you to be more independent too.

Trust me, being the person who is worshiped and treated like a queen is very oppressive in the end.  And it creates inequality.  Inequality creates imbalance, and once things are out of balance they just fall apart or fall down.

I mean you say that you didn't expect crap from her, so what was it she could give you?  Many people like it when the other person needs them to do for them, help them, and all that.  And you were doing everything you could to help her - yeah, everything you could do at a distance.  You weren't there to print out some extra resumes in the morning so she could spend a little extra time to look extra good for the job stuff.  You weren't there to have dinner ready when she got home from another day of resumes, applications, interviews and rejections.  In the end most quality relationships are not about the big huge philosophical love stuff, but the mundane day-to-day tasks.  Sharing the work, not just taking the talk.

And huge changes, like career stuff frequently bring on other changes too.  Rethinking that part of your life can result in rethinking lots and lots of other things.

Quote from: tekla on September 16, 2012, 12:43:38 PM
In the end most quality relationships are not about the big huge philosophical love stuff, but the mundane day-to-day tasks.  Sharing the work, not just taking the talk.

QFT. Stewie, I can't know what your relationship was like--other than what you say--but I feel that one reason my ex and I lasted so long was our ability to successfully manage the day-to-day stuff of life as well as love.

Most relationships seem to fall apart for more than one reason, but we focus on the big reason because, well, it's the most obvious. It sounds like your partnership had a number of tensions working all at once.

That doesn't make it any easier, of course. I'm sorry about the breakup. I know it hurts, perhaps more for trans people because we often wind up wondering how much our transness had to do with it.

It's great that you have a job, though. You can save up for a car and transition expenses! Hang in there, buddy.

sorry about what you are going through Stewie.

Can safely say that after being through something similar recently - can say this: time heals everything.

for now, just focus on things that make you happy.

Hope things get better.

I totally agree with Tekla. I'm assuming you're very yoind, Stewie, and understand and applaud your wanting to experience and make your own mistakes - better to do this than follow a manual to living a perfect life.  I hope you do listen a bit though.

I'm on tapatalk and can't seem to edit my posts..  I meant young, not yoind!

Oh, to be yoind again...

Yoind? Haha nice.

Really, though, Stewie. I know that the end of a relationship sucks, but things change all the time. She's probably right in that you should focus on taking care of yourself. You may never know exactly what's up with her, but maybe it's for the best that it's over. There are plenty of fish in the sea, right?

When things like this come out of the blue, I always considered it a blessing. It sucks when it's going down if you're on the wft just happened end. As for fair, as tekla pointed out, there is no fair so it's really best not to try to make it a fair/not fair thing.

If you guys only lived 2 hours away and many months would elapse without you seeing her, I'd call that a problem. You say she was your fiancee but even if you both didn't have your own car, if there were serious strong feelings there (fiancee = willing to spend the rest of your life with someone in my book) one or both of you would have gone out of your way to be by the other person's side more frequently (bus, train, bumming rides off friends, etc. etc.). 2 hours is not a hell of a long way. I think it's important that this break up came right at this time when you got a job just so that you could see her more often. She's not ready to up the ante and I think you've actually pushed her away or made her more uncomfortable by "worshiping" her and treating her "like a queen". That often backfires unless the other person is seriously shallow and vain. I think tekla also nailed it with this, "I mean you say that you didn't expect crap from her, so what was it she could give you?  Many people like it when the other person needs them to do for them, help them, and all that.  And you were doing everything you could to help her - yeah, everything you could do at a distance."

It's very easy to accept someone when you're not spending your day-to-day with them. It's also much easier to say things on the phone, or in texts or email than it is to say something to someone's face in-person. Serious relationships that work have a give and take. And like what other people have said, the day-to-day stuff is probably the most important.

It sounds like it was all very safe and non-committal. And I would surmise that she wasn't getting everything she needed. The fact that she told you to concentrate on your own life also points to her feeling like too much attention was put on her.

The best thing you can do now is work towards your own personal goals and as she said, work on your life for awhile. If she still wants to be friends, be there as a friend but realize that things were probably not as perfect as you thought.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. It means a lot. I got lucky though. My heartache is gone. We got back together. She said that in the end, we just can't stay away from each other and that we love each other too much. So I'm actually gonna make a good effort to see her soon.

glad to hear that!

really hope things work out for you - anyways try figuring what went wrong - assuming that something went wrong that way both her and you could work towards making the relationship work.